Are my expectations for cross-country visits unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We always pay for travel home. We are grateful they are willing to take vacation days to spend time with us. [/quote]

This. [b]He might say he can afford the flights but at that age no one has unlimited funds unless they have a trust fund. He may technically be able to swing it but it's a burden and he also wants to do other things -- fly to these weddings and go out with friends.[/b]

Tell him it's very important to you that you can see him at least once a year even with the distance, and since you can't travel as easily you'd like to offer to pay for him to fly home once a year. You can put a plug in for Christmas or Thanksgiving if that's important to you but I'd also be open to when he most wants to visit -- sometimes you actually get better family time when it's not a holiday because there are fewer events and less pressure.

But I think the key here is to meet him halfway by taking the cost part of it off the table and just pay for his flights. Especially if you feel you can't go visit him.[/quote]

This. 100x this.

My family could have written this. We would have flown home if they insisted on picking up the tab.

[Anonymous]

OP this feels like a completely unfair way to look at your son's choices. When I read this, it sounds like he is really trying to prioritize family by going to weddings, reunions, and other special events. He wants to see and stay connected to everyone - that's healthy but not all young people value it. This feels like an extreme level of bean counting.

He has limited vacation days and funds as a young person. Could he WFH from where you live? If so maybe pay for his flight and suggest that? Otherwise you're putting him in a tough position even though its unfortunate you can't travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

To clear up a couple of points. We have offered to pay for his airfare, but he hasn’t accepted. He is very independent and has never been willing to take money from us/others. He has a notebook of the 2-3 times we paid his rent during college (because he was broke). He keeps saying he wants to pay us back, but we haven’t let him because we don’t feel like he owes us anything.

I am able to fly to see him, we did do a big family trip to DC two years ago, and are currently planning another trip. However, thanks to a drunk driver, I have a significant amount of metal in my body that makes it hard to get through security.

Ok, here is a clue. He keeps a notebook going back that many years? That's unusual unless he's an accountant. And why would he want so badly to pay you back? I suspect he feels like you're holding these payments over him in an emotional way, rather than financial, and he wants to clear the "debt" by paying you back. You say you don't feel like he owes you anything, but it seems you feel owed a visit. And I think this is why he's declining your offers to pay for the flights home as well.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, I'd be super sad to see so little of my adult child. But you need to understand that this is why it's called the "empty nest". And if he marries you may get even less as he divides time with his new in-laws. So you need to improve your travel skills and find a way to emotionally cope.

[Anonymous]

You are unreasonable.

We Airbnb a place for holidays so we can all meet somewhere “in between”.

You should visit 2x a year. Do you do that?

He shouldn’t be expected to come home necessarily but you guys should see each other 4x a year 2 bring u travel, 1 somewhere else vacation or wedding, and home once a year.

[Anonymous]

Young adults typically have super limited vacation time at work. Go visit him. I do think your expectations are unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP needs to work through the travel challenges are move to be closer to DS. Seems self-centered to put the burden on him, especially if not offering to pay for the expensive cross-country travel.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to DC Urban moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to DC Urban moms.

Move to DC

[Anonymous]

Traditionally it's the youngest daughter who stays home to take care of the aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Don’t communicate to your son what would feel like an obligation (e.g., coming home once a year). I promise it WILL lead to guilt and resentment. You can tell him you would like to see him more and ask if there are good times to travel to him and/or if he would like to take a trip together. Visits to home at that age are boring and tedious. Don’t make a 20 some year old waste vacation days for a visit that meets your needs but not his.

[Anonymous]

Why not make next Christmas someplace new and fun like Aspen that you both can travel to that's "halfway"?

[Anonymous]

First off, a wedding or family reunion is far more important than just a random visit. So it makes total sense that he puts more effort into attending these rarer, special events.

Second, your complaining about him not visiting enough while you have only been to him once is not even close to fair. You should make more of an effort to see your child if it's that important to you.

Even if you pay for him to visit, you cannot dictate how he uses his vacation time.

[Anonymous]

It's tough. I live about this far from my parents (east coast to Europe) If we visit, there is not enough time off for other trips and as a family cost is insane. When I was your son's age I still went every year, but it was at the detriment of other travel and a bit of a sacrifice out of duty. If my kids move away I plan on going to them more or perhaps getting a vacation home close to them somewhere scenic where we can meet up with no big pressure or cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you or can you come to see him here?

Did you read her post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a sleeper car on Amtrak and go see him. Make a trial move closer to him. But start with a no judgment convo and just tell him you love him, miss him, and would like to see him more. Ask him what would work for him.

I like this suggestion.

And OP, I definitely feel your pain (and my kid lives one state over!!)