Are my expectations for cross-country visits unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

My 26 year old DS graduated college 4 years ago and found a job in the DC area (thus why I am positing here). We live (and he grew up) on the west coast. This wasn’t a surprise, he had wanted to move east once he graduated, and in his field there always was more opportunities for him on the east coast then the West Coast.

I’m frustrated because in the three and a half years he has been in the DC area, he has flown back to the west coast twice, one of those times for a family wedding (so it was less of a relaxed visit). My sister and law (and family) live around two hours away from DC, so he has been joining in on their festivities for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc, which I definitely appreciate, but I can’t feel like he could be making a better effort at visiting more regularly.

I know that it is expensive and can be challenging to fly cross country, and I would be understanding if I felt he could not make it, but it feels like he is specifically choosing to to visit. Last year he flew to a family reunion for my husband’s family, and just recently he flew to the wedding of my husband’s nephew (his cousin). Especially that last one feels hurtful, because it feels like he had to have chosen to go to the wedding rather then visiting us for Christmas, made worse by the fact he admitted he wasn’t super close with his cousin and wasn’t expecting an invitation.

My husband feels like I have unrealistic expectations of him visiting at least once a year when he is across the country, but my husband also attended both the family reunion and the wedding, and took a trip to the DC area around a year ago to visit our son and other family, so he has seen him three more times then me. I have never been a good traveler, and have some medical issues that cause traveling, especially by air, a challenge. We all went to visit him in person the first year he was out there, but it isn’t realistic for us to visit him more regularly.

So, my question is whether I am being unreasonable like my husband thinks? And should I bring it up to my son?

For the record, my son can afford to fly out (and has admitted it), and if he couldn’t, we would absolutely help him financially.

[Anonymous]

Do you or can you come to see him here?

[Anonymous]

Why on earth haven't you had a heart to heart with him about it? Tell him you love him. Tell him you miss him, and can't travel. I would beg, frankly. I'm not proud when it comes to my children.

[Anonymous]

We always pay for travel home. We are grateful they are willing to take vacation days to spend time with us.

[Anonymous]

Is being home something he would look forward to doing, or would it feel like an obligation? Would he get guilt trips for not meeting your expectations? (I’m not saying you’re doing that, genuinely asking.)

Does he get enough vacation time?

Could you offer to treat him to a vacation somewhere you could drive to and where he’d want to go?

[Anonymous]

Communicate. Tell him you miss him and would like to see him more if and when it works for him. May be you two can meet half way in different cities to explore and bond.

[Anonymous]

I would drop the "expectations" and just tell him, "I miss you and want to see you, but I can't travel to DC. Would you consider coming home around Christmas? Or another time soon if Christmas isn't a good time? I'll pay for your flight."

Or maybe your DH could ask him? It's hard not to be able to travel, and perhaps your DS isn't really thinking about your limitations. Young adults can be self-centered/clueless at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always pay for travel home. We are grateful they are willing to take vacation days to spend time with us.

This. He might say he can afford the flights but at that age no one has unlimited funds unless they have a trust fund. He may technically be able to swing it but it's a burden and he also wants to do other things -- fly to these weddings and go out with friends.

Tell him it's very important to you that you can see him at least once a year even with the distance, and since you can't travel as easily you'd like to offer to pay for him to fly home once a year. You can put a plug in for Christmas or Thanksgiving if that's important to you but I'd also be open to when he most wants to visit -- sometimes you actually get better family time when it's not a holiday because there are fewer events and less pressure.

But I think the key here is to meet him halfway by taking the cost part of it off the table and just pay for his flights. Especially if you feel you can't go visit him.

[Anonymous]

He knows that you want him to visit, especially if he has had to “admit” that he can afford it. I don’t know why he doesn’t, have you asked him? Instead of jumping to telling him about your expectations, can you try asking him about how he wants to spend his time and what he thinks is reasonable? Can he tell you the truth, if the reason is related to you?

My husband doesn’t like to visit his mother who lives on the west coast because although he loves her and she means well, she is constantly nagging him. He finds the visits irritating, so he spaces them way out. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

If you pay, he will come more often.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are your expectations? What nice a year? Have you communicated them to him? I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect your son to use his money and vacation days to go to the same place over and over, even if you live there. He probably has limited time off work and wants to spend his weekends doing fun stuff with friends instead of sleeping in his childhood bedroom, listening to you complain about how he isn’t meeting your expectations.

Just have a conversation with him! It’s a little late for this year, but offer to pay for him to come home for Christmas. Do what you can to visit him more!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I'm from Seattle and have been living on the east coast since college, for just over 20 years. I would try to visit once per year and occasionally would visit twice.

I don't think you understand what a burden it is to travel frequently from east to west. I generally had 2 weeks of vacation and one west coast trip was half my vacation time.

I also don't hear you making an effort. Why not visit him?

[Anonymous]

You need to suck it up and do whatever it takes to visit him. If you really wanted to you could.

You write, "I have never been a good traveler, and have some medical issues that cause traveling, especially by air, a challenge. We all went to visit him in person the first year he was out there, but it isn’t realistic for us to visit him more regularly." Why isn't it realistic? Do you see from his point of view if you were able to do it once, then why can't you do it again? Do you expect him to sit around at home with you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain but your kid is an adult. You can't guilt trip him into visiting. And if your own health prevents you from visiting the East Coast, there's not much you can do. You've raised a strong independent functional adult and that has consequences. Be happy for him, and don't be too hard on him or he'll want to visit you even less..

[Anonymous]

1. Invite him to visit
2. Pay for the flights

Here’s a script:
“We’d love to see you for a long weekend or more sometime next year. Is there a good time? I know traveling is expensive and tiring and we can’t really reciprocate - we really wa r you to come and we’ll cover your flights.”