School refusal after suspension

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

Look, the other kid tripped him - he didn’t actually threaten him with a gun. It’s not great and should be addressed, but you do not let your kid stay home because he is “scared.”

He got his adult tooth knocked out of his head. If you tripped an adult in a bar and knocked their tooth out, would you be surprised if the cops came and you got a free ride to the police station? This kid is being subjected to physical violence and society pretends it is ok because the setting is free childcare. That kid has a legitimate fear of being violently assaulted and it is unreasonable to expect him to brush it off, especially when he is being forced back into that environment against his will. The term anxiety implies a fear out of proportion to the situation, which is absolutely not the case here.

They aren’t adults in a bar fight. They are 10 year olds. And yes, 10 year olds need to brush stuff off. If you magnify the drama of this then the kid will respond in kind, with drama.

There it is. 10 year olds aren't human. 10 year olds have less right to physical integrity than adults because mom needs free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

Look, the other kid tripped him - he didn’t actually threaten him with a gun. It’s not great and should be addressed, but you do not let your kid stay home because he is “scared.”

Right, threatening with a gun doesn't actually cause physical injuries like he recieved.

well folks here’s the answer - the way to get a great case of school refusal is to freak out and tell your kid that being tripped by a 10 year old is the same as having a gun pulled on them, sue the kid, file a police report, then pull your kid from school to homeschool so they don’t commit suicide.

geez, do you even hear yourselves??

Do you hear yourself? This kid was physically assaulted and is being continuously tormented by bullies. How long would that fly in a work place? Why do kids have less rights than adults? If I came to your workplace and punched your tooth out, you wouldn't call the police and sue me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

Look, the other kid tripped him - he didn’t actually threaten him with a gun. It’s not great and should be addressed, but you do not let your kid stay home because he is “scared.”

Right, threatening with a gun doesn't actually cause physical injuries like he recieved.

well folks here’s the answer - the way to get a great case of school refusal is to freak out and tell your kid that being tripped by a 10 year old is the same as having a gun pulled on them, sue the kid, file a police report, then pull your kid from school to homeschool so they don’t commit suicide.

geez, do you even hear yourselves??

Do you hear yourself? This kid was physically assaulted and is being continuously tormented by bullies. How long would that fly in a work place? Why do kids have less rights than adults? If I came to your workplace and punched your tooth out, you wouldn't call the police and sue me?

it’s not a workplace - it’s a school with kids. if you can’t understand the difference then I don’t know what to tell you. I think OP should take the bullying seriously and demand the school separate the boys and monitor them at recess. But absolutely zero is gained by ridiculous over-dramatizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

Look, the other kid tripped him - he didn’t actually threaten him with a gun. It’s not great and should be addressed, but you do not let your kid stay home because he is “scared.”

He got his adult tooth knocked out of his head. If you tripped an adult in a bar and knocked their tooth out, would you be surprised if the cops came and you got a free ride to the police station? This kid is being subjected to physical violence and society pretends it is ok because the setting is free childcare. That kid has a legitimate fear of being violently assaulted and it is unreasonable to expect him to brush it off, especially when he is being forced back into that environment against his will. The term anxiety implies a fear out of proportion to the situation, which is absolutely not the case here.

They aren’t adults in a bar fight. They are 10 year olds. And yes, 10 year olds need to brush stuff off. If you magnify the drama of this then the kid will respond in kind, with drama.

There it is. 10 year olds aren't human. 10 year olds have less right to physical integrity than adults because mom needs free childcare.

oh brother.

that’s right - he must be homeschooled forever because he’s in mortal danger b

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

Why? That makes zero sense.

Because if he goes further than shoving next time, the parents/school will blame his behavior violent video games. We're trying to protect his future here.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry your son is being treated this way, OP! There are other boys who are smart, creative, compassionate, and not athletic, but boy do they seem to be spread out to balance out classroom dynamics and it’s an awful experience for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

Look, the other kid tripped him - he didn’t actually threaten him with a gun. It’s not great and should be addressed, but you do not let your kid stay home because he is “scared.”

Right, threatening with a gun doesn't actually cause physical injuries like he recieved.

well folks here’s the answer - the way to get a great case of school refusal is to freak out and tell your kid that being tripped by a 10 year old is the same as having a gun pulled on them, sue the kid, file a police report, then pull your kid from school to homeschool so they don’t commit suicide.

geez, do you even hear yourselves??

Do you hear yourself? This kid was physically assaulted and is being continuously tormented by bullies. How long would that fly in a work place? Why do kids have less rights than adults? If I came to your workplace and punched your tooth out, you wouldn't call the police and sue me?

it’s not a workplace - it’s a school with kids. if you can’t understand the difference then I don’t know what to tell you. I think OP should take the bullying seriously and demand the school separate the boys and monitor them at recess. But absolutely zero is gained by ridiculous over-dramatizing.

Yeah, the difference is that a workplace is voluntary, and a school is not, and that adults have more agency than children and are more antifragile. In other words, *MORE* should be done to protect children in school than adults in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

I don't know. He hadn't shown any signs of violence when we had the neuropsych eval done, so we weren't able to raise that concern then. He doesn't play video games, period (something he's teased about), so it's not something he picked up there. I don't know where he got the idea that shoving someone was ok - I would have rather he'd let himself be tripped again and lost another tooth, as horrible as that sounds.

Well, no mystery where the weanie behavior comes from. This comment along with the "he took the dentist like a champ" and the "I don't want to talk about bullying, just give me a magical fix so I won't feel bad about driving my crying son to school" is probably the saddest thing I've read on DCUM. This boy is doing everything he can to please his mother, but he just can't stomach being assaulted and bullied anymore. OP, why do you hate your son? Let me guess, gender disappointment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

I don't know. He hadn't shown any signs of violence when we had the neuropsych eval done, so we weren't able to raise that concern then. He doesn't play video games, period (something he's teased about), so it's not something he picked up there. I don't know where he got the idea that shoving someone was ok - I would have rather he'd let himself be tripped again and lost another tooth, as horrible as that sounds.

Well, no mystery where the weanie behavior comes from. This comment along with the "he took the dentist like a champ" and the "I don't want to talk about bullying, just give me a magical fix so I won't feel bad about driving my crying son to school" is probably the saddest thing I've read on DCUM. This boy is doing everything he can to please his mother, but he just can't stomach being assaulted and bullied anymore. OP, why do you hate your son? Let me guess, gender disappointment?

+1

I can't fathom feeling the bolded. Your son did the right thing. The bully deserved a shove.

[Anonymous]

Kick his ass seabass!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

Does he want to play video games? Why are video games out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I was an unpopular kid who was bullied at both private and public. I was book smart, wildly unathletic, and (most importantly) a total pain in the ass. I was a know-it-all who blurted out answers, showed off for the teacher, and was unkind to others and then ran to the teacher when they retaliated.

Here's what turned things around, to the point that I'm now a well-liked adult with a great job and strong relationships:

1) My parents sent me to a therapist, and we talked about all the things I was insecure about (very short for a boy, bad at sports) and how my behavior toward my classmates was a manifestation of insecurity.

2) My parents drove 45 minutes each way to find me a peer group of kids who liked the same things I did (DnD in this case).

3) We moved from a smaller district to a bigger one, and I found out that I'm smart, but there are a lot of smarter people out there. The combination of being taken down a few pegs and a bigger social circle, plus some maturity, allowed me to turn the corner.

Take it from someone who has been where your son it - this is not just because he's smart and telling him that's the reason is not going to do him any favors. There's more going on here, I promise.

Yeah, this isn't what's going on. He even stopped raising his hand in 3rd grade once we pointed out it made him look bad. To be entirely honest, he believes everyone is as smart as he is, so he really has no motivation to brag about it.

Didn't you mention earlier that one reason he's bullied is because he is smart?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Get him a Switch and Fortnite account.

A kid who shoves doesn't need to be playing Fortnite.

Please explain. He shoved one kid one time in retaliation. What's your thinking here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

Why? That makes zero sense.

Because if he goes further than shoving next time, the parents/school will blame his behavior violent video games. We're trying to protect his future here.

Are you for real??

[Anonymous]

There is a lot to unpack here.

Mom—I think your narrative is greatly contributing to the issues here. You seem to go on and on to him about how smart he is—this is creating massive anxiety and pressure on him to constantly prove he’s smarter than his peers. Which he may not even be. Then you turn around and blame being smart on why he’s bullied—so now he’s pressured to live up to your expectations, but if he does, in his mind, he will be bullied. Then you tell him to stop speaking in class bc that will make him a target.

Pretty clear why he doesn’t want to go to school.

Then at home—you paint a picture of being ridiculously strict. No video games ever and discussing that he can’t do extra curriculars over the summer bc he pushed a kid who knocked his tooth out? The saying you wish he’d just take the violence instead of defending himself? It’s like you want him to feel like crap. You’re his mom and you don’t have his back, how the hell would he have any confidence?

Plus there is something else up with him that you’re missing—kids don’t get aggressively bullied at multiple schools just because they are “smart.”

You need to figure out how to build him up. You need to figure out how to help him figure out his interests and help him cultivate those. If school is terrible, he needs things outside of school that he likes, that build him up.