Husband is dying - no life insurance or savings, I’m a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

[Anonymous]

Please don’t take advise here. Talk to an estate attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t take advise here. Talk to an estate attorney

This, OP. Borrow the money for a retainer, if needed.

The ins and outs of benefits, SS, what will happen to his debt, etc. are not something to guess at. Your survival and the well being of your kids is at stake.

Is your teaching license current? Have you been applying? You can't afford to miss this hiring cycle.

While the kids are in school, sub and that will also be a recent reference. Maybe you can even sub at their school or nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is happening to your husband is not unique sadly. I am so glad as a society we are finally looking at women's well being. In the process though we have completely ignored the crisis that is affecting so many men. Suicide, alcoholism chronic unemployment etc it's a crisis. Men are often blamed for what's happening to them. They are called lazy entitled sexist etc

This. And Op, you are not an innocent in this, for goodness sake how did you have three children with an alcoholic? You entire post places all the blame at the feet of your husband, JFC I can only imagine the stress he has carried trying to provide all that is necessary for a stay at home wife and three children. And now you leave him all alone because he's used up and can't do anything more for you. I have an idea instead of sitting on your computer and whining to strangers get off your a.. and go get a job today! Not in the fall when you go back to teaching (so do not believe you) now!

Wow what a nasty post. No one forced her husband to marry and have three kids with her, and no one is responsible for him becoming an alcoholic. That’s on him. I think her situation is very hard but not completely hopeless. She has 600k in equity, 350k in retirement and she’s planning to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised you don’t have any life insurance other than the group policy from
work for a sole provider in poor health with 3 young kids and a large mortgage

Some men won't allow it. My ex refused to sign on it even if I paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband is an alcoholic. He has cirrhosis, chronic pancreatitis, PVT, and hepatic encephalopathy. He’s in the hospital. Again. This happens every few months and it’s just a matter of time.

We are currently separated bc the chaos of living under the same roof as him was unbearable.

I’ve done everything in my power to hold the household and the kids together. 3 kids under age 10. At first I was hopeful he’d get better but recovery never sticks. He doesn’t want to stop drinking.

He’s an impulsive spender. Never plans. Never communicates. Loves to put things on credit cards. He switched jobs recently and his group life insurance policy sucks. The payout is less than one year of his salary. So it’s essentially non-existant. We have no savings. No college funds for kids. We have $600k equity in the house. $350k retirement funds. Pulled a credit report on my husband and between house, cars, and consumer credit cards, he owes $915k. ($750k is the house. $40k cars. $70k HELOC. The rest is consumer CC debt.) Every single debt is in his name.

I’m horrified by the debt. I begrudgingly signed off on the heloc. Then the cars were purchased without my approval. I had no idea he had so much credit card debt… but he had to hide how much he was drinking and never makes more than minimum payments..

So now that I know he’s dying and I know we’re screwed financially, what on earth can I do? I plan to return to work in the fall (teacher) but that won’t get us very far.

Are you living in the house or is he? How much is the other party paying in rent?

Can he be discharged to rehab? Have you had conversations with his doctors? Does he have short term disability through work?

I would not be so sure he is actively dying, alcoholics can linger. You need a financial plan if he lives and one if he does not. You need to speak to a lawyer.

How many teaching jobs have you applied for? Is your license current?

Al Anon for you, find an online meeting this weekend. You need to get very informed and practical with lawyer and financial planner and strategize around the emotional stuff with the free Al Anon folks.

Something is up with you, too, that you have such young kids, and so many, with someone in such bad shape. And that you quit your job, trapping yourself. You really have to get it together, OP. I'm guessing your family of origin involved alcoholism too? Do you have any extended family nearby to help?

[Anonymous]

Where are you licensed, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you but why no job and three kids? Seems like you also made terrible choices.

Are you always this heartless???

Soren’s I just can’t imagine what posters here are thinking when they are beyond cruel like this.

It’s heartless but the truth. OP needs a job. It’s really that simple. She won’t get one for the same reasons she hasn’t been working.

Continuing to have kids with an alcoholic and not working but then asking for help when time is up?

I mean OP said in her first post that she was getting a job, but you probably know better.

Teaching jobs for fall hire NOW. OP could also be subbing for income and a reference. She said she planned to get a job, she hasn't shared any concrete steps.

OP needs to be more active and less reactive. The dysfunction of living with an addict carries over. She knew he was sick enough not to live with but still did not seek immediate income and legal advice. Teaching > subbing, tutoring, etc.

OP needs to try to get him fully diagnosed and optimally, discharged to rehab from the hospital. The hospital may have AA meetings. She needs to shore up the situation to maximize her options.

[Anonymous]

OP, what have the doctors said is the prognosis?

Have they mentioned hospice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you but why no job and three kids? Seems like you also made terrible choices.

Are you always this heartless???

Soren’s I just can’t imagine what posters here are thinking when they are beyond cruel like this.

Alcoholics don’t die overnight this has been long time coming.

This. OP is co-dependent and dysfunctional to be so on the back foot at this stage of the game. She needs to snap out of the trance she has been living in and be less passive. Her finances may not be dire, she needs legal advice re: SS, debt, etc. and to actively be seeking a teaching job for fall, daily, and an interim source of income, whether tutoring, subbing, camp counselor, summer school, whatever makes the most sense re: child care expenses.

He may linger for years yet. That he has a job currently, a fairly new one, suggests he can function at times.

OP, no more kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seek legal advice but I say stay married as you will qualify for more spousal benefits however small like social security and also for tax purposes you can file as married for 3 years after spouse death and also take larger exclusion for capital gains on sale of house. I’m a widow.

Whoa! Is this true? My DH is in poor health and i have been thinking of financial planning in terms of having to file as single the year following his death.

If this is true, it definitely would affect my plans.

Would it help to file as married? Head of Household might be better??

You guys need to just google this. As a widow, I did and the answers are on the tax sites. Stop guessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seek legal advice but I say stay married as you will qualify for more spousal benefits however small like social security and also for tax purposes you can file as married for 3 years after spouse death and also take larger exclusion for capital gains on sale of house. I’m a widow.

Whoa! Is this true? My DH is in poor health and i have been thinking of financial planning in terms of having to file as single the year following his death.

If this is true, it definitely would affect my plans.

Would it help to file as married? Head of Household might be better??

When he dies op can figure out what filing status is best. The year he died will be married filing jointly. After that it will probably be qualifying surviving spouse for a few years, then head of household until remarried or kids are grown

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you but why no job and three kids? Seems like you also made terrible choices.

Are you always this heartless???

Soren’s I just can’t imagine what posters here are thinking when they are beyond cruel like this.

It’s heartless but the truth. OP needs a job. It’s really that simple. She won’t get one for the same reasons she hasn’t been working.

Continuing to have kids with an alcoholic and not working but then asking for help when time is up?

I mean OP said in her first post that she was getting a job, but you probably know better.

Teaching jobs for fall hire NOW. OP could also be subbing for income and a reference. She said she planned to get a job, she hasn't shared any concrete steps.

OP needs to be more active and less reactive. The dysfunction of living with an addict carries over. She knew he was sick enough not to live with but still did not seek immediate income and legal advice. Teaching > subbing, tutoring, etc.

OP needs to try to get him fully diagnosed and optimally, discharged to rehab from the hospital. The hospital may have AA meetings. She needs to shore up the situation to maximize her options.

Which is why she is asking for advice, which you clearly have. Just lay off the shaming. it isn't helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consult an estate lawyer, and a CPA

Yes with what money? SAH wife who is here whining about her husband's mismanagement of their affairs. I love it when people throw these suggestions out .... retainer anyone?

You don’t pay a retainer for a consultation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through this but I don’t understand how you have 600k in equity in the house but owe $720k on the house?

Easy - say they bought a house for 950k with 150k down, and have paid long enough to have $720k remaining on the mortgage balance. but the house is worth 1.32M now. That math all makes sense in the DMV for a house bought 5-10 yrs ago.