Marriage is hard

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Marriage is hard if you don’t marry the right person.

Who is to say who is the "right person?" What does this mean? People change. People change after they marry they change, stop performing etc.

Smug morons on this board who think they have all the answers because their lives with their spouses are “easy” but for some reason they are simultaneously wildly insecure.

Who hurt you?

The people who respond to every marriage related problem and question with “you chose him” “I chose well” “why did you choose him” etc. Those people hurt me.

Same. ((Hugs PP))

Have better judgment in who you choose for a spouse. That’s your fault and no one else’s You hurt yourself.

You are a terrible human.

bad judgment makes you terrible.

Everyone shows bad judgment at least a few times in their life. Like for example, you show bad judgment in being an anonymous jerk on the internet. The question is, do you have any redeeming qualities to overcome that? Doubtful.🤨

NP. I mean if you equate judging someone as a “jerk” on the internet to judging how you pick a spouse, I would say you do have very poor judgement.

Being a jerk worse than picking a lousy spouse. The former is a mistake, the latter is the product of malice.

The “jerk” thing is subjective. Just because someone is truthful and you don’t like it doesn’t make them a jerk.
Picking the wrong spouse is profoundly bad.
Everyone is a jerk at times, including you. Picking a wrong spouse is for life.

Both are subjective, actually. Someone may believe that they picked the wrong spouse but it was the best spouse for them. Or there could be an unintended positive outcome from their marriage, like personal growth and understanding or a child with a really positive impact on the world.

There are no benefits to writing nasty comments on the internet beyond entertainment value. Even if the value is subjective, even if one person thinks you are being a jerk you are lowering the value of the DCUM for them and other people too.

The nasty comments came from the ones accusing another of being a jerk. Calling someone a jerk should tell you who the jerk is. They are in fact devaluing dcum themselves with calling any one with a different viewpoint from them juvenile names.

No, there is value in calling out the people who believe it is their God-given duty to inform others that everything bad that happens to them is their own fault, and there are a lot of those people on this website. Those people are jerks.

If you happen to be one of those people and you don’t like it, oh well.

NP. Because someone said that marriage is hard if they choose the wrong spouse?!
That is absolutely correct and anyone who thinks choosing the wrong spouse doesn’t make marriage hard is a damn fool. Talking to you, pp.

Try to keep up. The original pp said that marriage can be hard if your spouse changes for the worse. This happens all the time. People change for the worse all the time. It’s not your fault for “choosing wrong.”

What are these out of the blue negative changes that happen with no warning? I can acknowledge that people MAY develop addiction issues or health issues, but absent that personalities don't just devolve without some level of foreshadowing. Some people may ignore those warning signs and end up choosing wrong, but they are usually always there.

This is a total, and I mean TOTAL failure of your imagination. Or maybe you just don’t interact with other humans on a regular basis? Friends? Parents? Humans constantly change and are in a state of flux. I know many people who over a course of years have become: more serious, more silly, more impatient, more angry, less angry, more stingy with money, less stingy with money, etc. Unexpected things always happen. No, there aren’t always “warning” signs. Even some actual mental illnesses appear without “warning signs.” Also, how savvy do you think you are that you can interpret human behavior so deftly and see every “warning sign?”

There will always be exceptions to any rule but there are generally always warning signs to any of those examples presented. I included mental illness under health issues and yes, those may pop up without warning. But, if so, that doesn't account for marriage being hard. It's about being married to someone with a mental illness being, understandably, hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can be in a happy and healthy marriage and still find it challenging at times. That does not mean you married the wrong person. We are not robots.

I agree. "Challenging at times" is different from "marriage is hard" though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The not strangling on a daily basis...to begin with...and that is why I am educating my daughters. Marriage to a man means bowing down or digging those spurs in forever.

Why are you telling your daughters that they have to bow down or dig in spurs to be married? You’re doing the opposite of educating them.

Women who grew up without brothers are shocked -- as I was -- to learn what men are really like and what they want in partners. My daughters will know that, despite the current fashionable discourse to the contrary:

1 - Most men feel that love is shown through respect(ful submission and strategic silence);
2 - Most men like to work hard only for the 3 P's - pay, prestige, pleasure - I first described on DCUM years ago;
3 - Most men will not even pretend to do anything like an equal amount of unfun stuff (housekeeping, admin, parent-teacher conferences, etc.) after the kids come even if their wives are literally saving the world by helping to develop the corona vaccine.

They look like us, but they are nothing like us.

This is stated so well!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The not strangling on a daily basis...to begin with...and that is why I am educating my daughters. Marriage to a man means bowing down or digging those spurs in forever.

Why are you telling your daughters that they have to bow down or dig in spurs to be married? You’re doing the opposite of educating them.

Women who grew up without brothers are shocked -- as I was -- to learn what men are really like and what they want in partners. My daughters will know that, despite the current fashionable discourse to the contrary:

1 - Most men feel that love is shown through respect(ful submission and strategic silence);
2 - Most men like to work hard only for the 3 P's - pay, prestige, pleasure - I first described on DCUM years ago;
3 - Most men will not even pretend to do anything like an equal amount of unfun stuff (housekeeping, admin, parent-teacher conferences, etc.) after the kids come even if their wives are literally saving the world by helping to develop the corona vaccine.

They look like us, but they are nothing like us.

This is stated so well!

No it's not. It's also not universally true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can be in a happy and healthy marriage and still find it challenging at times. That does not mean you married the wrong person. We are not robots.

This is true. When I say I don't find marriage hard I don't mean we never disagree, we do but our instincts as people is not to win at all costs my our instincts are more compromise what works best for everyone. And I think this is what people mean by ignoring red flags that cause problem later on. But not always some people do change drastically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is total nonsense. Marriage is way too complex to boil down to “bad choices equals bad outcomes.”


Unfortunately, it is. People change and grow but their nature and core values remains the same.

If your spouse is mean, gas lighting, drinking, lying, cheating, irresponsible, abusive etc ... you just didn't see it because you were in love, wanted to get settled, blinded by their looks or money or thinking you are the same because you've same religion, race, education, social class etc.

Also you thought you'll be a good partner even though you knew at your core you are self cantered, materialistic, mean and moody.



This is really a matter of perspective. I think if someone changes for the worse, they actually changed and that’s on them. It’s totally up to subjective interpretation what a “warning sign” is as nobody is on their best behavior all the time.

I think this gets into a really philosophical discussion actually about a person’s “true” nature.

It’s easy to imagine that a person can show “signs” and change for the worse but how about the better? I am much more mellow and accepting than when I got married. My husband is a lot more responsible in the home than he was when we got married… when I got married he was living with his parents and did very, very little other than his job and socializing. He’s been a super responsible parent and partner but he gave me no “signs” that I consciously picked up.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Marriage takes work, especially in the beginning. Marrying the right partner makes all the difference. It can be great or hell on earth if you choose the wrong partner.

x100000

Except you cannot say that, because there are at least 1 poster on here who is calling people names for saying this and it’s not their responsibility in who they choose.

Just ignore that poster and keep scrolling. We all know we are responsible for our choices. We have no one to blame but ourselves.

Marrying the right partner makes all the difference. It can be great or hell on earth if you choose the wrong partner. TRUTH!

[Anonymous]

What happens is that people's choices are dependent on available options and timing. We assume nothing better is happening and time is of essence, everyone is getting married and having kids so let's accept reality, we can adjust, they'll improve and it would work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a common phrase. What makes marriage hard to you?

A pain in the a$$ spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can be in a happy and healthy marriage and still find it challenging at times. That does not mean you married the wrong person. We are not robots.

Some times isn't the same as most of the time and leading to divorce. In decent marriages even if divorces occurs, its not because of abuse, fraud, infidelity, drinking, gaslighting etc. People understand that they failed at long term partnership so rather divorce amicably and wish each other well, instead of making lives hell for each other.

[Anonymous]

Not knowing they were special needs. Very controlling and inflexible in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can be in a happy and healthy marriage and still find it challenging at times. That does not mean you married the wrong person. We are not robots.

I agree. "Challenging at times" is different from "marriage is hard" though.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Marriage is hard if you don’t marry the right person.

Who is to say who is the "right person?" What does this mean? People change. People change after they marry they change, stop performing etc.

Smug morons on this board who think they have all the answers because their lives with their spouses are “easy” but for some reason they are simultaneously wildly insecure.

Who hurt you?

The people who respond to every marriage related problem and question with “you chose him” “I chose well” “why did you choose him” etc. Those people hurt me.

Same. ((Hugs PP))

Have better judgment in who you choose for a spouse. That’s your fault and no one else’s You hurt yourself.

You are a terrible human.

bad judgment makes you terrible.

Everyone shows bad judgment at least a few times in their life. Like for example, you show bad judgment in being an anonymous jerk on the internet. The question is, do you have any redeeming qualities to overcome that? Doubtful.🤨

NP. I mean if you equate judging someone as a “jerk” on the internet to judging how you pick a spouse, I would say you do have very poor judgement.

Being a jerk worse than picking a lousy spouse. The former is a mistake, the latter is the product of malice.

The “jerk” thing is subjective. Just because someone is truthful and you don’t like it doesn’t make them a jerk.
Picking the wrong spouse is profoundly bad.
Everyone is a jerk at times, including you. Picking a wrong spouse is for life.

Both are subjective, actually. Someone may believe that they picked the wrong spouse but it was the best spouse for them. Or there could be an unintended positive outcome from their marriage, like personal growth and understanding or a child with a really positive impact on the world.

There are no benefits to writing nasty comments on the internet beyond entertainment value. Even if the value is subjective, even if one person thinks you are being a jerk you are lowering the value of the DCUM for them and other people too.

The nasty comments came from the ones accusing another of being a jerk. Calling someone a jerk should tell you who the jerk is. They are in fact devaluing dcum themselves with calling any one with a different viewpoint from them juvenile names.

No, there is value in calling out the people who believe it is their God-given duty to inform others that everything bad that happens to them is their own fault, and there are a lot of those people on this website. Those people are jerks.

If you happen to be one of those people and you don’t like it, oh well.

NP. Because someone said that marriage is hard if they choose the wrong spouse?!
That is absolutely correct and anyone who thinks choosing the wrong spouse doesn’t make marriage hard is a damn fool. Talking to you, pp.

Try to keep up. The original pp said that marriage can be hard if your spouse changes for the worse. This happens all the time. People change for the worse all the time. It’s not your fault for “choosing wrong.”

What are these out of the blue negative changes that happen with no warning? I can acknowledge that people MAY develop addiction issues or health issues, but absent that personalities don't just devolve without some level of foreshadowing. Some people may ignore those warning signs and end up choosing wrong, but they are usually always there.

This is a total, and I mean TOTAL failure of your imagination. Or maybe you just don’t interact with other humans on a regular basis? Friends? Parents? Humans constantly change and are in a state of flux. I know many people who over a course of years have become: more serious, more silly, more impatient, more angry, less angry, more stingy with money, less stingy with money, etc. Unexpected things always happen. No, there aren’t always “warning” signs. Even some actual mental illnesses appear without “warning signs.” Also, how savvy do you think you are that you can interpret human behavior so deftly and see every “warning sign?”

You’re wrong. Humans generally stay mostly the same and there are signs. You and others may choose to ignore it and that happens which is why a lot of marriages fail.

Not with emotional abusers

[Anonymous]

Yes, people are “consistent” throughout the course of their lives, but it’s parallel to the way a child is consistent as they grow up and become adults. You can look back and see the consistency, and you say, “yeah, they’re the same person they have always been.” But you can do that only in retrospect.

It’s just really hard to project forward who a person will be over long periods of time. In the process of becoming, and as life unfolds unpredictably, certain traits will swell and grow. Others will fade into the background. Which will bloom, and in what ways?

You make your best guess when choosing a partner. You look out for red flags, run screaming from the most glaring of those red flags. But we all have flaws. Will the flaws become distorted in ways that become impossible to live with? You just can’t know for sure. Even the best marriages begin as a leap of faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you were a minor in a rushed, mail-order or forced marriage, if you didn't evaluate your partner and took a trial year to live together, you didn't make an educated and rational decision. You took a gamble and it worked or failed as gambles do.

Many people don’t live together. Also, some people have a big part of their relationship. And some people flat out lie about their values, life goals and priorities.

All of this happened to me. Both professionals married in our 30s.

Your views are too simplistic.