Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

This. I just sat through 5 days where I worked my a$$ of while my mom sat around on her phone playing solitaire and games and maybe tried to engage with my kids once. Took her out to dinner 3 times and cooked two huge meals entertaining her family that I do not care about. I see them once a year. In return my kids and I got $25 gift cards. She forgot to get anything for DH. I am done. Next year, I plan to buy the kids one big gift and some small things that we can bring in a suitcase. I’m going somewhere that I can actually enjoy myself and spend time with my kids.

You’re projecting. Nobody said anything about a five day Christmas. It’s literally one day. Usually Christmas Eve until 10 p.m., when they leave to go to church with her family. This year it was Eve Eve. Even Eve Eve no longer works for them.

Actually, dear, Christmas is LITERALLY TWELVE DAYS.

Yawn. We KNOW. We don’t CARE. Most people want to celebrate on Christmas DAY, which is ONE DAY. Your endless rigidity is tiresome and boring. Dear.

Same could be said for people who are too focused on one day on the calendar.

[Anonymous]

Team SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

This. I just sat through 5 days where I worked my a$$ of while my mom sat around on her phone playing solitaire and games and maybe tried to engage with my kids once. Took her out to dinner 3 times and cooked two huge meals entertaining her family that I do not care about. I see them once a year. In return my kids and I got $25 gift cards. She forgot to get anything for DH. I am done. Next year, I plan to buy the kids one big gift and some small things that we can bring in a suitcase. I’m going somewhere that I can actually enjoy myself and spend time with my kids.

You’re projecting. Nobody said anything about a five day Christmas. It’s literally one day. Usually Christmas Eve until 10 p.m., when they leave to go to church with her family. This year it was Eve Eve. Even Eve Eve no longer works for them.

Actually, dear, Christmas is LITERALLY TWELVE DAYS.

Yawn. We KNOW. We don’t CARE. Most people want to celebrate on Christmas DAY, which is ONE DAY. Your endless rigidity is tiresome and boring. Dear.

NP. You don’t get to talk about rigidity when you insist on taking a 12-day celebration and making it one, fixed day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Your brother and SIL have every right to make other plans and should not be expected on the 24th or 25th (or any specific day) each year. It would be nice to celebrate Christmas together another day- many extended families do! I’d go that route. Invite your mom to your house for Christmas.

We already pushed it to the 23rd for them this year. I guess even that wasn’t enough. And for those saying break is short. Private school Christmas break is at least two weeks. Delaying a beach vacation with private school families a day or two is not the end of the world. I would bet anything they go to a place in Florida where her parents can rent an Airbnb or stay in a luxury hotel, so they still spend all of Christmas with her family.

You are so jealous of her, it is seeping out your pores. I love it. Pairs well with my wine.

I agree with this. OP has fixated quite a bit on things like private school, luxury hotels, accusations of materialism etc. My guess is financial differences and jealousy issues play a role here.

And the real reason SIL isn’t spending Christmas with your family anymore is because she knows you dislike her, and she’s done spending holidays with people who are ugly to her. Good for SIL!

You can't win, OP. DCUM is full of jerks like your SIL who don't understand enjoying being with family and are too busy keeping up with the Joneses to cultivate real relationships. They've dragged out the jealousy trope, too. It couldn't possibly be that your SIL is a jerk, which she sounds like. They identify with her. Typical DCUM strivers.

Oh SIL enjoys family. Her family. Just not judgmental, jealous near-strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many private schools were on break all last week as well as this week. What I would give for a 2 week break with my spouse and kids only!

Similar to your SIL, I live near my parents and see them 1-2x a week. And yet - we fly back from spring break a day early every year to have Easter dinner with them. I would love to give up that tradition and just enjoy my full vacation. I don’t think I’ll declare “this is the last Easter”. I think we’ll just say “these are the flights we could get” and repeat as needed.

Wow a whole day early. I’m so sorry you have to go through such anguish to bring a great deal of joy to your elderly parents who could randomly drop dead any day.

This melodramatic, manipulative twaddle doesn’t work on mentally healthy people. Sorry.

I hate “this may be their last ________!” guilt. My mother fed us that line about our grandmother for years and she lived to 99!

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t DH just let his family know in January or February that they’d be unavailable for Christmas 2024?

Life happens, plans change… I don’t see why it’s necessary to announce no more Christmas celebrations going forward, especially to an elderly MIL.

[Anonymous]

People who work and have kids can't go on vacations during the year whenever they want. They can go when their kids have school breaks.
OP is clearly failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t DH just let his family know in January or February that they’d be unavailable for Christmas 2024?

Life happens, plans change… I don’t see why it’s necessary to announce no more Christmas celebrations going forward, especially to an elderly MIL.

Because you get people like OP who whine that other family members are disrupting the way things have always been done. There is no winning with OP even if the situation was handled with kid gloves. Better to rip the bandaid off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who work and have kids can't go on vacations during the year whenever they want. They can go when their kids have school breaks.
OP is clearly failure to launch.

This could definitely be the case. Sounds much like my SIL- never married or even maintained a long term relationship, no kids, low maintenance career (all of which are totally fine). I like her fine and she is a good aunt to my kids…but she is 100% focused on her parents and family of origin and does not know or understand anything else. Never had to balance career, marriage, childrearing/immediate family , ILs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like SIL was insensitive about the way she communicated this. Perhaps there is a reason she feels defensive about it. Maybe she's been wanting to do X Y Z for Xmas for years but doesn't feel "allowed" to have her way and this is her way of clumsily setting a boundary.

Just be there for your mom and don't get involved in your SIL drama.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, sounds pretty shitty to announce to elderly MIL that this is the “last Christmas you’ll see us or your grandchildren.” Seems like there could be a more reasonable and sensitive way to say you’ll be on vacation. Also talk about rigidity. No more Christmases going forward? Not one? Sounds weird to me.

But PP brought up a good point OP. Your relationship with brother and SIL and your nieces and nephews are the future of your family. No matter how much it hurts, our elderly family members do leave us. Work on strengthening your relationship with brother and SIL if you can.

[Anonymous]

This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

And what, if she isn't, she's a failure and her opinion is worthless?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes DCUM threads just go oddly off the rails. This seems to be one of those times.