How to parent hard child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter who sounds very similar to yours. We've made it to 13, and I recommend you figure things out now, before you get to teenage hormones.

1. You need to figure out how to alleviate the you/her oppositional dynamic. She's not your enemy, she is your child. In our case, dad had to really step up. He got involved in her sport, which also got her out of her siblings' hair.

2. Work on stability and predictability. This does take time, but putting in the time will save time on tantrums.

3. Some one-on-one quality time, something both of you enjoy (in our case, shopping).

4. Think about if she's an introvert and needs some alone/down time. Consider doing yoga with her, or some other way for her to relax/recharge.

5. Is there anything you can change in your own life, that would allow you not to skip meals and get enough sleep? That, honestly, might work much better than medicating your child (not against medication, but it seems like a more reasonable first approach).

Op - thank you for your message. I definitely want to fix this before teenage hormones are involved!

I agree dad is much better at connecting with her than me. When he is home he deals with her meltdowns. Unfortunately he back in the office a lot more now.

I try and get to sleep early when I can but sometimes I need to decompress after everyone gets to bed so I take an hour or two to myself after the kids sleep. I wake up at 6:30 every morning to get everything ready before the kids get up.

Eating is harder - I eat lunch but dinners are hard because we leave at 5pm and don’t get home until 7 and then it’s a mad rush to get the kids bathed and to bed. By the time they are asleep it 8:30-9pm and I don’t feel like eating that late. I do try to have a snack before we leave at 5pm.

Where are you from 5 to 7pm every night?

OP - some sort of athletic event for one of the kids.

I know there are other issues at play, but it does seem like having a calmer, less rushed, less busy home life might be helpful all around, and it's a pretty easy change to make. Your kids are so young and don't need to be doing so many sporting events especially during dinnertime. Maybe scale back and see if that helps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter who sounds very similar to yours. We've made it to 13, and I recommend you figure things out now, before you get to teenage hormones.

1. You need to figure out how to alleviate the you/her oppositional dynamic. She's not your enemy, she is your child. In our case, dad had to really step up. He got involved in her sport, which also got her out of her siblings' hair.

2. Work on stability and predictability. This does take time, but putting in the time will save time on tantrums.

3. Some one-on-one quality time, something both of you enjoy (in our case, shopping).

4. Think about if she's an introvert and needs some alone/down time. Consider doing yoga with her, or some other way for her to relax/recharge.

5. Is there anything you can change in your own life, that would allow you not to skip meals and get enough sleep? That, honestly, might work much better than medicating your child (not against medication, but it seems like a more reasonable first approach).

Op - thank you for your message. I definitely want to fix this before teenage hormones are involved!

I agree dad is much better at connecting with her than me. When he is home he deals with her meltdowns. Unfortunately he back in the office a lot more now.

I try and get to sleep early when I can but sometimes I need to decompress after everyone gets to bed so I take an hour or two to myself after the kids sleep. I wake up at 6:30 every morning to get everything ready before the kids get up.

Eating is harder - I eat lunch but dinners are hard because we leave at 5pm and don’t get home until 7 and then it’s a mad rush to get the kids bathed and to bed. By the time they are asleep it 8:30-9pm and I don’t feel like eating that late. I do try to have a snack before we leave at 5pm.

Where are you from 5 to 7pm every night?

OP - some sort of athletic event for one of the kids.

I know there are other issues at play, but it does seem like having a calmer, less rushed, less busy home life might be helpful all around, and it's a pretty easy change to make. Your kids are so young and don't need to be doing so many sporting events especially during dinnertime. Maybe scale back and see if that helps?

+1 A busy activities schedule is not helping your situation. Seems like your family is at a boiling point and it is time to simply where you can.

[Anonymous]

Do you think your fear of confrontation is in part making your daughter feel she needs to blow up for her to be heard?

Also, you should shield your DD from your mom until your DD is more confident. I’m sure she can feel that your mom feels she’s defective, which is awful.

I have a DS like you describe and it can be dicey. Make sure to connect emotionally with each other in something you both enjoy, humorwise, going to the mall, or whatever you both enjoy.

A therapist noted how rigid of a thinker my DS is, and he’s afraid of failure. And so I to emphasize effort rather than end result, and I try to expand his thinking so he’s not so literal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.

Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.

[Anonymous]

Not judging, but why are there "so many" ADHD American children as compared to the world and why are our children more heavily medicated than anywhere else in the world from prozac to zoloft to adderal and everything in between. Seriously, what's going on here and this of course applies to adults too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not judging, but why are there "so many" ADHD American children as compared to the world and why are our children more heavily medicated than anywhere else in the world from prozac to zoloft to adderal and everything in between. Seriously, what's going on here and this of course applies to adults too.

Our society is broken, we hate women but deify motherhood. We hate weakness and therefore can't conceptualize childhood or really any situation in which a person is not already competent and productive without any instruction or guidance. We don't really believe in education, only achievement. We expect everything to move very quickly and have little patience for anything, including but especially emotions or vulnerability, that slows things do. We are highly consumer focused and define progress as large corporations inventing easy solutions to our most critical problems. But we are obsessed with personal responsibility and individualism, which limits how we can solve large scale cultural problems.

And so on and so forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.

Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.

Nothing you have said is remotely helpful, and you clearly didn’t intend it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not judging, but why are there "so many" ADHD American children as compared to the world and why are our children more heavily medicated than anywhere else in the world from prozac to zoloft to adderal and everything in between. Seriously, what's going on here and this of course applies to adults too.

Our society is broken, we hate women but deify motherhood. We hate weakness and therefore can't conceptualize childhood or really any situation in which a person is not already competent and productive without any instruction or guidance. We don't really believe in education, only achievement. We expect everything to move very quickly and have little patience for anything, including but especially emotions or vulnerability, that slows things do. We are highly consumer focused and define progress as large corporations inventing easy solutions to our most critical problems. But we are obsessed with personal responsibility and individualism, which limits how we can solve large scale cultural problems.

And so on and so forth.

I’ll keep it shorter. End stage capitalism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.

Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.

Nothing you have said is remotely helpful, and you clearly didn’t intend it to be.

OP clearly needs to hear this. Obviously you do too. Why is this so triggering for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.

Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.

Nothing you have said is remotely helpful, and you clearly didn’t intend it to be.

OP clearly needs to hear this. Obviously you do too. Why is this so triggering for you?

LOL, I don’t need to hear anything from you, random dummy on the internet! I actually have a difficult child and tried to give the OP some advice as to what is working for us - I didn’t tell her it’s somehow her fault that her child has a difficult disposition and that she is a failure as a mother. Because that is almost certainly not the case, and again, it is not remotely helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.

As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.

I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.

OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.

Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.

OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.

Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.

Nothing you have said is remotely helpful, and you clearly didn’t intend it to be.

OP clearly needs to hear this. Obviously you do too. Why is this so triggering for you?

LOL, I don’t need to hear anything from you, random dummy on the internet! I actually have a difficult child and tried to give the OP some advice as to what is working for us - I didn’t tell her it’s somehow her fault that her child has a difficult disposition and that she is a failure as a mother. Because that is almost certainly not the case, and again, it is not remotely helpful.

I didn't say anything like that, at all. I said OP is using the same parenting techniques for all three of her children and they're only working for two of them. If something's not working to the point you are online ASKING FOR HELP what do you think the solution is? Probably changing something?

[Anonymous]

I don't know if OP is still here, but our DS was similar when he was younger. He had meltdowns over things like transitions from one thing to the next. We started giving him a magnesium supplement in 2nd grade and it completely ended the meltdowns. He is still very sensitive, but it took the edge off a lot of the big emotions.

It may not solve all your problems, but it might help a little bit here and there. It's the Calm brand of magnesium, and we ran it by his ped first.

[Anonymous]

The irony with children like this is that you actually need to be very stern. Routines and predictable consequences will reduce the meltdowns.

And you need to understand your own limits better. You get out of the situation before you reach you limit. Always. Since you can't leave the room because of the other children, you tell her the truth and ask her to leave: " I can neither help you nor your siblings when you are screaming. Please go upstairs and calm down, and we will try to resolve this issue later." If she doesn't leave, you carry her upstairs to her room and ask her to stay there. She comes down screaming, you cary her back up. She will eventually stay there. It might take longer with a stubborn child, but it will work.

You have to do this BEFORE you are on edge. You are the adult, and the responsibility is on you to know your limits and your buttons.