How to parent hard child

[Anonymous]

Have you considered ASD? I have a close colleague with an older daughter who sounds similar and was diagnosed recently at 14. He said that having the diagnosis and understanding why some things are harder for her has been very helpful to the family dynamic and for strategies for dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You need to try harder to not lose your cool. I KNOW how difficult this is. I promise, I do. I have a child who I think was harder than yours. I'm naturally an anxious, hot-tempered, impulsive, loud person, and learning to stay calm in the midst of DD's storms was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it. If you want to know how I can get into that.

2. I would parent her as though she does have ADHD even though she doesn't have it. My oldest has ADHD (and she is on the spectrum and has anxiety) and getting really into parenting her as a neurodivergent kid was so helpful. Other parenting techniques don't work on her.

Op - how did you learn to keep your cool? I sincerely try and for most of the time I do! It’s the big outbursts that cause the most problems.

I listen to podcasts about parenting (thanks to the pp who suggested the podcast. Just started it). I also talk with her therapist regularly to come up with ideas and strategies to help her.

DP (who suggested the podcast, you're welcome!). What do you do when she's having an explosive episode? Like specifically? The PP who wrote out the numbered list was excellent. A huge thing is not getting sucked into her emotions and letting her escalation escalate you. If she's not hurting herself or others (including verbally), it's okay to just say, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. I'm going to give you space until you cool down, but I'm here if you want a hug or snuggle." Then don't engage. She's not in a place to listen in that moment, and you'll just frustrate yourself trying to manage her feelings and reactions.

And to speak to your examples, when she screams about you not being there in the morning, just acknowledge her frustration and let her scream. Give her lots of advanced warning so it's not a surprise, but don't start talking it through and apologizing the morning of. And don't coach her sport! Some kids just act up when their parent is in charge and listen better for others. If she's rude and disrespectful to other adults, then she isn't ready to do that sport. Disrespect to her siblings is one I would be firm with. Not blaming or singling her out, but language like, "in our house we treat each other with respect and I cannot let you speak to others that way." Then remove her or the sibling. Happy to hear other thoughts on that as well. We have a big age gap and haven't run into those issues much, so other's may have better ideas.

[Anonymous]

OP, some really helpful posts here. Agree that you are her safe space, and she will act up with you, because of who you are. BTDT. I wish you patience and peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You need to try harder to not lose your cool. I KNOW how difficult this is. I promise, I do. I have a child who I think was harder than yours. I'm naturally an anxious, hot-tempered, impulsive, loud person, and learning to stay calm in the midst of DD's storms was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it. If you want to know how I can get into that.

2. I would parent her as though she does have ADHD even though she doesn't have it. My oldest has ADHD (and she is on the spectrum and has anxiety) and getting really into parenting her as a neurodivergent kid was so helpful. Other parenting techniques don't work on her.

Op - how did you learn to keep your cool? I sincerely try and for most of the time I do! It’s the big outbursts that cause the most problems.

I listen to podcasts about parenting (thanks to the pp who suggested the podcast. Just started it). I also talk with her therapist regularly to come up with ideas and strategies to help her.

It really sounds like you're on the right track! What I did was take a very proactive approach. I put myself first whenever I could. I made time to exercise, cut back on my work hours, I prioritized sleep, I made sure I was never too hungry, and spent 10-30 minutes a day doing journaling and therapy-type stuff. And I read a lot of Brene Brown. It's just all that basic self-care that we know we are supposed to do but is often really difficult. I did a lot of work to learn to recognize when I was losing control and excused myself before that happened. I spent a good amount of time in the bathroom.

I cut myself a lot of slack when it came to important but not vital aspects of parenting, like "Kids eat in color" advice and minimal screen time (I tried to find the sweet spot between enough screen time that would keep me from losing my s**t and so much that they the kids would lose the ability to emotionally regulate). There are a lot of things we can do as parents that are good but not worth it if it comes at the cost of our ability to regulate our emotions.

I remember really hating this because it was so unfair that I had to be this super-parent in order for our household to be able to function at a basic level. I cried a lot. But I did get used to it, and having the ability to emotionally regulate has been really great for lots of aspects of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered ASD? I have a close colleague with an older daughter who sounds similar and was diagnosed recently at 14. He said that having the diagnosis and understanding why some things are harder for her has been very helpful to the family dynamic and for strategies for dealing with it.

Op - other than emotional dysregulation what other symptoms would be for ASD? I am looking through this website and she does not demonstrate any of these things: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html

I could clearly be missing something however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parent training would be great - especially parent child interaction therapy (PCIT). Great part is both parents go so your DH will have to see how hard you’re working and what he needs to do. And another vote for treating her like you would someone with ADHD bc emotional outbursts are so common with those kids.

Have you told DH how his Monday morning quarterbacking makes you feel? My DH did that too bc he thought it was helpful but he has mostly stopped when I explained how it hurt me - now we brainstorm ideas for next time together but like two days later when we are both calm.

I have done PCIT with my child. 8.5 is kind of old for it. The Shapiro class sounds like a great suggestion though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You need to try harder to not lose your cool. I KNOW how difficult this is. I promise, I do. I have a child who I think was harder than yours. I'm naturally an anxious, hot-tempered, impulsive, loud person, and learning to stay calm in the midst of DD's storms was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it. If you want to know how I can get into that.

2. I would parent her as though she does have ADHD even though she doesn't have it. My oldest has ADHD (and she is on the spectrum and has anxiety) and getting really into parenting her as a neurodivergent kid was so helpful. Other parenting techniques don't work on her.

Op - how did you learn to keep your cool? I sincerely try and for most of the time I do! It’s the big outbursts that cause the most problems.

I listen to podcasts about parenting (thanks to the pp who suggested the podcast. Just started it). I also talk with her therapist regularly to come up with ideas and strategies to help her.

It really sounds like you're on the right track! What I did was take a very proactive approach. I put myself first whenever I could. I made time to exercise, cut back on my work hours, I prioritized sleep, I made sure I was never too hungry, and spent 10-30 minutes a day doing journaling and therapy-type stuff. And I read a lot of Brene Brown. It's just all that basic self-care that we know we are supposed to do but is often really difficult. I did a lot of work to learn to recognize when I was losing control and excused myself before that happened. I spent a good amount of time in the bathroom.

I cut myself a lot of slack when it came to important but not vital aspects of parenting, like "Kids eat in color" advice and minimal screen time (I tried to find the sweet spot between enough screen time that would keep me from losing my s**t and so much that they the kids would lose the ability to emotionally regulate). There are a lot of things we can do as parents that are good but not worth it if it comes at the cost of our ability to regulate our emotions.

I remember really hating this because it was so unfair that I had to be this super-parent in order for our household to be able to function at a basic level. I cried a lot. But I did get used to it, and having the ability to emotionally regulate has been really great for lots of aspects of my life.

OP - what makes me the most upset is that I feel like I need to put her emotional needs before my other children, to their detriment. I do work out and have a flexible job. I don't make time to sleep or eat (too busy with the kids that most nights I eat their leftover for my dinner) but I do walk the dog 3-4 miles a day and work out separately.

She was doing better with her outburst but since the beginning of the school year it seems like there has been more triggers and meltdowns than before. And I can't pinpoint what is causing it.

[Anonymous]

OP - Also the thought of parenting her for the next 10 years like this is soooo depressing and demoralizing. I don't even want to do it even though I know I have to. I feel like its a jail sentence I have to get through instead of something that should be enjoyable for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered ASD? I have a close colleague with an older daughter who sounds similar and was diagnosed recently at 14. He said that having the diagnosis and understanding why some things are harder for her has been very helpful to the family dynamic and for strategies for dealing with it.

Op - other than emotional dysregulation what other symptoms would be for ASD? I am looking through this website and she does not demonstrate any of these things: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html

I could clearly be missing something however.

Rigidity, subtle sensory issues that could be contributing to emotional dysregulation, and social anxiety. ASD manifests differently in women and girls -- https://www.drakeinstitute.com/signs-of-autism-in-girls-and-women Not trying to internet diagnose your child but something to consider. My colleague's wife is a psychologist so pretty educated and ASD was not on her radar until their DD was older and the social demands increased.

I have a ton of empathy for you, OP. I only have two kids but my youngest has developmental issues that we are working through and it constantly feels like it is making our family life much harder than it would otherwise be and taking away from my ability to be a happy present parent for my kids. I particularly feel bad for my oldest who is constantly getting less attention because we are hyperfocused on her brother.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old has been on Zoloft for about a year and it dramatically changed his behavior. Anxiety is a medical issue and you should consider medication if therapy isn't getting you where you need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered ASD? I have a close colleague with an older daughter who sounds similar and was diagnosed recently at 14. He said that having the diagnosis and understanding why some things are harder for her has been very helpful to the family dynamic and for strategies for dealing with it.

Op - other than emotional dysregulation what other symptoms would be for ASD? I am looking through this website and she does not demonstrate any of these things: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html

I could clearly be missing something however.

Rigidity, subtle sensory issues that could be contributing to emotional dysregulation, and social anxiety. ASD manifests differently in women and girls -- https://www.drakeinstitute.com/signs-of-autism-in-girls-and-women Not trying to internet diagnose your child but something to consider. My colleague's wife is a psychologist so pretty educated and ASD was not on her radar until their DD was older and the social demands increased.

I have a ton of empathy for you, OP. I only have two kids but my youngest has developmental issues that we are working through and it constantly feels like it is making our family life much harder than it would otherwise be and taking away from my ability to be a happy present parent for my kids. I particularly feel bad for my oldest who is constantly getting less attention because we are hyperfocused on her brother.

Thanks - I will look into ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old has been on Zoloft for about a year and it dramatically changed his behavior. Anxiety is a medical issue and you should consider medication if therapy isn't getting you where you need to be.

+1 if your kid needed glasses you wouldn't want them walking around without them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP upthread that you need either some therapy or a place to talk things through all of this outside the home with a third party. I know you are busy and overwhelmed but it's like the saying goes: put on your own oxygen mask first. A therapist can help with coping skills, words to say, and also can be a safe place for you where you don't get criticized.

And about your husband: why does he just get to Monday Quarterback? Is he around during any of these tantrums? If he is present, when the tantrum starts, you should ask him to "Please help larla" and walk away. Obviously he knows better how to handle things (since he says so), so give him that chance. Plus I can see how you and your DD may feed off of each other, so it may be healthier to have Dad intervene.

[Anonymous]

Has no one suggested Oppositional Defiant Disorder, OP?

[Anonymous]

Our therapist told us around age 11 that our child needed more than she could provide. We put her on anxiety medication and the difference was incredible. Her quality of life improved within just a few weeks. I only wish I had started her on it sooner.