How to parent hard child

[Anonymous]

DD1 is 8.5 and has been in therapy for the past 2 years. We seem to think it’s been helping with her anxiety and emotional regulation but she still is prone to having large reactions to innocuous things and then it spirals out of control.

We have talked with her therapist and have seemed to rule out ADD or ADHD. She just seems to be a very overly sensitive first child who fits the psychologist mold perfectly for a first girl child. She is a perfectionist, has some anxiety, overly mothers her younger siblings, cannot stand losing, does well in school and is very afraid of getting in trouble.

While her “tantrums” have become less frequent they are more intense than when she was younger. I try my best to be calm in the moment but I too am human and sometimes loose my cool.

For those of you have be through this - how bad is it for me to get frustrated and upset in the moment but come back later and acknowledge her feelings and tell her that I am here for her and will always try and help her with her big emotions? I feel horrible that I can’t do it always in the moment but we seem to trigger each other with our emotions and I need to cool off before I am a ms to come back to her calmly.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. Solidarity (and unfortunately, no advice). Hoping others have insight too.

[Anonymous]

Ohhh, you’re describing my 7.5 year old. We’re just starting the process to get her into therapy, so no advice, but following for replies.

[Anonymous]

You know, it's okay to send her to her room to calm down. Also, sometimes I say "Thanks, but I'll be the parent - you get to be the kid."

You are saying you're "here for her" but clearly you're not, in that moment. So I wouldn't say that. Can you catch her when you see her starting to spiral and have her do some calm down things (get away from people, deep breaths, downward dog, etc.) before it gets big?

[Anonymous]

Op - sometimes I feel like I am constantly trying to make sure everything is ok with her to the detriment of my other kids. If she doesn’t get enough sleep, eat enough, have a good day at school, etc I know it can set her off.

Her and I also tend to feed off of each other. I had extreme ppd after my last child during Covid and she was 5 years old. I think we spiraled each other which I am ashamed to admit. Me with my ppd and her because her whole world got turned upside down. She find transitions hard and Covid shutdowns threw her whole world out of order.

I have worked hard to learn how to parent her better but some days it’s so hard.

[Anonymous]

Op - also it gets demoralizing to keep doing the same thing over and over and over with only minimal results. It’s a constant struggle with her and makes parenting less joyful.

My other two kids are so much fun to parent. And then I feel bad for thinking like this about my oldest.

[Anonymous]

You really need to consider anti anxiety meds. That could be the key to things calming down and her being able to really access what she is learning in therapy. She doesn’t have to be on meds forever.

[Anonymous]

What meds are those? Our therapist hasn’t said we should look at these. Do we need to take her to a psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What meds are those? Our therapist hasn’t said we should look at these. Do we need to take her to a psychiatrist?

There are all sorts of options. I would call your pediatrician to see if they prescribe or if they will refer you to a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

Thanks - I will look into that. Any suggestions on how to parent this child? It’s been 8 years of constant struggle. I feel like a failure as a parent, even though my other two are easy to parent.

Also when she does this in public I am beyond embarrassed and mortified that my 8 year still has tantrums and is disrespecting me. I can’t say anything to her in the moment because it just makes her worse. So I just look like a parent who can’t control their kid.

[Anonymous]

I have a child like this. She is now 7 and much better. I had to get pretty strict with her. I think before I was tip toeing around her because of the outbursts and maybe she was running the show too much with demands/behavior.. I would say things to her like, if it is too hard to take you to X then we won't be going to y (fun place). If you react to the TV being turned off then you won't be getting it.


quote=Anonymous]Thanks - I will look into that. Any suggestions on how to parent this child? It’s been 8 years of constant struggle. I feel like a failure as a parent, even though my other two are easy to parent.

Also when she does this in public I am beyond embarrassed and mortified that my 8 year still has tantrums and is disrespecting me. I can’t say anything to her in the moment because it just makes her worse. So I just look like a parent who can’t control their kid.

[Anonymous]

Also how do you let go of whatever incident happened and move on? When my daughter has a meltdown and fit it is very hard for me to let go of it and move on. Every time I look at her I am brought back to whatever incident just happened and I get upset all over again. I spiral in my mind and keep going over it and over it trying to figure out how to fix what is wrong.

[Anonymous]

She is going to copy your behavior. If you lose your cool, don't be surprised when she loses her cool over something later.

[Anonymous]

You can do therapy yourself for help handling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is going to copy your behavior. If you lose your cool, don't be surprised when she loses her cool over something later.

Op - yes I realize that. The hard thing is that I keep my cool 90% of the time but it’s like a needle in your skin. You can ignore it for a while but it finally wears you down and then you feel it and need to get rid of it and it hurts.

She is disruptive to the rest of our family. I can’t parent my other children when she is having these episodes. Nor can I do my job or take care of anything else in our lives other than her.