How to parent hard child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also how do you let go of whatever incident happened and move on? When my daughter has a meltdown and fit it is very hard for me to let go of it and move on. Every time I look at her I am brought back to whatever incident just happened and I get upset all over again. I spiral in my mind and keep going over it and over it trying to figure out how to fix what is wrong.

Are you the OP? You need therapy and to strengthen your own emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills. Your child will emulate whatever she observes at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do therapy yourself for help handling.

Op - yes probably. Not that I have time for it. I am the default parent to 3 kids and a dog. I work full time as a director at a large organization and my husband is back in the office 3 days a week and works 60 hours a week.

I get frustrated because my husband comes in after the fact and tries to clean things up and criticizes me with the way I am reacting. But I am the one there in the moment with the screaming kid and having to deal with the tantrum in real time. He comes in later and says here are all the things you did wrong and you should have handled it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also how do you let go of whatever incident happened and move on? When my daughter has a meltdown and fit it is very hard for me to let go of it and move on. Every time I look at her I am brought back to whatever incident just happened and I get upset all over again. I spiral in my mind and keep going over it and over it trying to figure out how to fix what is wrong.

Are you the OP? You need therapy and to strengthen your own emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills. Your child will emulate whatever she observes at home.

Yes I am the op - weirdly I don’t have the same reaction to my other children. They do something wrong and we talk about it and then it’s over. But with my oldest daughter it is always a spiral and we feed off of each others emotions.

[Anonymous]

Are you treating her anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you treating her anxiety?

Op - she is in therapy 1-2 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to copy your behavior. If you lose your cool, don't be surprised when she loses her cool over something later.

Op - yes I realize that. The hard thing is that I keep my cool 90% of the time but it’s like a needle in your skin. You can ignore it for a while but it finally wears you down and then you feel it and need to get rid of it and it hurts.

She is disruptive to the rest of our family. I can’t parent my other children when she is having these episodes. Nor can I do my job or take care of anything else in our lives other than her.

What kind of episodes? How is she disruptive to the family? How is she being disrespectful? All i can say is that at 8 she absolutely feels your unspoken resentment or unmet expectations, she could be lashing out or this could be her way of getting your attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to copy your behavior. If you lose your cool, don't be surprised when she loses her cool over something later.

Op - yes I realize that. The hard thing is that I keep my cool 90% of the time but it’s like a needle in your skin. You can ignore it for a while but it finally wears you down and then you feel it and need to get rid of it and it hurts.

She is disruptive to the rest of our family. I can’t parent my other children when she is having these episodes. Nor can I do my job or take care of anything else in our lives other than her.

What kind of episodes? How is she disruptive to the family? How is she being disrespectful? All i can say is that at 8 she absolutely feels your unspoken resentment or unmet expectations, she could be lashing out or this could be her way of getting your attention.

Op - examples of her disruptions would be screaming and crying when I tell her that I won't be home to do her hair in the morning (one morning out of a hundred) because I have to take her younger brother to an early morning doctor appointment. Disrespectful - not listening and having an attitude in front of others when I am trying to coach her in a sport (I am the coach). Disrespectful - always having an attitude with her younger sister and talking down to her and being mean. Then when her younger sister doesn't want to play with her she gets all mad and cries and screams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can do therapy yourself for help handling.

Op - yes probably. Not that I have time for it. I am the default parent to 3 kids and a dog. I work full time as a director at a large organization and my husband is back in the office 3 days a week and works 60 hours a week.

I get frustrated because my husband comes in after the fact and tries to clean things up and criticizes me with the way I am reacting. But I am the one there in the moment with the screaming kid and having to deal with the tantrum in real time. He comes in later and says here are all the things you did wrong and you should have handled it better.

This sounds a lot like my SIL. She's the primary parent, is easily overwhelmed, and has hard, explosive, easily overwhelmed kids. She tries and tries to keep her cool, but then spends all of HER emotional energy handling their big reactions until she is just spent, then everything falls apart and everyone's screaming and crying at each other. It's an endless cycle that is just impossible and exhausting for everyone in the house. I have an anxious, emotionally disregulated DC as well, but instead of exploding in tantrums, she retreats inward into a self-blame doom cycle. Also not good, but it's MUCH easier for me to keep my cool and feel worried and scared for her in those moments, versus SIL's frustrated and reactive with her explosive kids. I need parenting classes and techniques for my kid, SIL needs therapy and meds for herself, PLUS parenting classes and techniques. You really can't fix your kid until you yourself are in a stable, emotionally calm place to deal with their reactions.

I love, love this podcast. I often find myself rewinding to take notes, and have used quotes and talking points in meetings with DC's school and counselors. Not every episode is applicable, but the ones that are, are really good. While you're looking into therapy, check it out. https://www.flusterclux.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can do therapy yourself for help handling.

Op - yes probably. Not that I have time for it. I am the default parent to 3 kids and a dog. I work full time as a director at a large organization and my husband is back in the office 3 days a week and works 60 hours a week.

I get frustrated because my husband comes in after the fact and tries to clean things up and criticizes me with the way I am reacting. But I am the one there in the moment with the screaming kid and having to deal with the tantrum in real time. He comes in later and says here are all the things you did wrong and you should have handled it better.

OP I wouldn't start with therapy, but with parent coaching to get you and your DH onto the same page. I would start with your DD's therapist. Next, sign up for Dan Shapiro's Parent Child Journey class. Get child care for your kids so that you and your DH can focus 100% on the class without distractions. Pre-pandemic the class was in person but it's now on Zoom, so you or your DH could Zoom from the office if needed. The class comes with reading and homework.

https://www.parentchildjourney.com/journey/

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a child like this as well, and I know what you mean about how hard it can be to stay calm when they are losing it.

For me a major motivator is reminding myself constantly that the more often she sees me respond to her big feelings calmly, the more likely it will be that she will be able to respond to her own emotions that way. Here is my approach. It's one step at a time -- it's hard so I really need to take it one thing at a time:

1. I practice radical acceptance of her emotions. She feels how she feels. I never try to talk her out of feelings, even really unpleasant ones like hating me or her dad, feeling so angry "I could hit someone", etc. I just accept them. When I can, I tell her it's okay to feel that way and that I'm glad she feels comfortable telling me how she feels.

2. Then I set certain boundaries. Mine are: absolutely no hitting or physical violence, no name calling or bad language, no slamming doors or breaking things. If she does any of these things, I will say firmly "I cannot let you do that, I'm going to step away until you are ready to talk to me without [hitting me/calling me names/using those hurtful words"]. And then I do. Even if it means she rages in her room. If she tries to slam doors or throw or break things, I physically intervene and just say "I cannot let you do that." Sometimes I will suggest she take it out on a pillow or blanket instead. Calm, always calm. If I can't be calm, I leave the room until I can be.

3. Then I offer love and comfort. Depending on the size and severity of the meltdown, I will ask "Would you like a hug?" or "Would a hug help?" Or I might simply say "When you are ready for comfort or a hug, I am here," and then leave her alone. It's important to set boundaries before this because it needs to be clear first that you aren't going to accept abuse -- you aren't a punching bag. But if physical contact or just being near you would help, I always offer these things. They are a healthy way to regulate emotions. Sometimes she accepts this offer immediately, sometimes it can be an hour before she's ready. But I make sure she knows I'm available for comfort. Even if I'm really frustrated with her. I've given her calming hugs where in my head I've just been thinking what a jerk she's being and how much I don't feel like giving her a hug. But ultimately I want her to move past the rage to love faster, so I always offer.

4. Then we repair. If I have something to apologize for, I do. So if I lost my cool and yelled, or was dismissive of her feelings, or ignored her efforts to get my help or attention before she blew up, I will apologize and let her know that I will try to do better in the future. I give her an opportunity to apologize, but I don't make her apologize (forced apologies are meaningless). If she did or said something very hurtful to me, I will tell her "I really didn't like being called that name. It hurt my feelings and being talked to that way really challenges my ability to stay calm." I know they say you have to be careful not to blame your kid for your feelings, but I believe this is the exception -- if your kid is doing things that would be hurtful to anyone they did them to, you can let them know it hurt you. They need to learn they can't just take things out on people and expect them to accept it. I will also discuss matter-of-factly if I feel there were choices made that escalated the situation, and how I'd like us to make a different choice next time. So for instance, if being hungry or over-tired was a factor, I will suggest that we make sure to eat meals and not stay up late to avoid those triggers.

I am not a perfect parent by any means, and I don't always stay perfectly calm. But having this roadmap for DD's meltdowns helps me stay a lot calmer than I would otherwise. I also sometimes have to go somewhere by myself and just scream into a pillow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is going to copy your behavior. If you lose your cool, don't be surprised when she loses her cool over something later.

Op - yes I realize that. The hard thing is that I keep my cool 90% of the time but it’s like a needle in your skin. You can ignore it for a while but it finally wears you down and then you feel it and need to get rid of it and it hurts.

She is disruptive to the rest of our family. I can’t parent my other children when she is having these episodes. Nor can I do my job or take care of anything else in our lives other than her.

What kind of episodes? How is she disruptive to the family? How is she being disrespectful? All i can say is that at 8 she absolutely feels your unspoken resentment or unmet expectations, she could be lashing out or this could be her way of getting your attention.

Op - examples of her disruptions would be screaming and crying when I tell her that I won't be home to do her hair in the morning (one morning out of a hundred) because I have to take her younger brother to an early morning doctor appointment. Disrespectful - not listening and having an attitude in front of others when I am trying to coach her in a sport (I am the coach). Disrespectful - always having an attitude with her younger sister and talking down to her and being mean. Then when her younger sister doesn't want to play with her she gets all mad and cries and screams.

She lives in a chaotic house, where mom is overwhelmed and as the eldest she likely gets the least amount of affection. Also you coaching her team does not help because coaching is at the end of the day about critical feedback. She is responding to her environment. As the adult, it's your responsibility to change the dynamics in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a child like this as well, and I know what you mean about how hard it can be to stay calm when they are losing it.

For me a major motivator is reminding myself constantly that the more often she sees me respond to her big feelings calmly, the more likely it will be that she will be able to respond to her own emotions that way. Here is my approach. It's one step at a time -- it's hard so I really need to take it one thing at a time:

1. I practice radical acceptance of her emotions. She feels how she feels. I never try to talk her out of feelings, even really unpleasant ones like hating me or her dad, feeling so angry "I could hit someone", etc. I just accept them. When I can, I tell her it's okay to feel that way and that I'm glad she feels comfortable telling me how she feels.

2. Then I set certain boundaries. Mine are: absolutely no hitting or physical violence, no name calling or bad language, no slamming doors or breaking things. If she does any of these things, I will say firmly "I cannot let you do that, I'm going to step away until you are ready to talk to me without [hitting me/calling me names/using those hurtful words"]. And then I do. Even if it means she rages in her room. If she tries to slam doors or throw or break things, I physically intervene and just say "I cannot let you do that." Sometimes I will suggest she take it out on a pillow or blanket instead. Calm, always calm. If I can't be calm, I leave the room until I can be.

3. Then I offer love and comfort. Depending on the size and severity of the meltdown, I will ask "Would you like a hug?" or "Would a hug help?" Or I might simply say "When you are ready for comfort or a hug, I am here," and then leave her alone. It's important to set boundaries before this because it needs to be clear first that you aren't going to accept abuse -- you aren't a punching bag. But if physical contact or just being near you would help, I always offer these things. They are a healthy way to regulate emotions. Sometimes she accepts this offer immediately, sometimes it can be an hour before she's ready. But I make sure she knows I'm available for comfort. Even if I'm really frustrated with her. I've given her calming hugs where in my head I've just been thinking what a jerk she's being and how much I don't feel like giving her a hug. But ultimately I want her to move past the rage to love faster, so I always offer.

4. Then we repair. If I have something to apologize for, I do. So if I lost my cool and yelled, or was dismissive of her feelings, or ignored her efforts to get my help or attention before she blew up, I will apologize and let her know that I will try to do better in the future. I give her an opportunity to apologize, but I don't make her apologize (forced apologies are meaningless). If she did or said something very hurtful to me, I will tell her "I really didn't like being called that name. It hurt my feelings and being talked to that way really challenges my ability to stay calm." I know they say you have to be careful not to blame your kid for your feelings, but I believe this is the exception -- if your kid is doing things that would be hurtful to anyone they did them to, you can let them know it hurt you. They need to learn they can't just take things out on people and expect them to accept it. I will also discuss matter-of-factly if I feel there were choices made that escalated the situation, and how I'd like us to make a different choice next time. So for instance, if being hungry or over-tired was a factor, I will suggest that we make sure to eat meals and not stay up late to avoid those triggers.

I am not a perfect parent by any means, and I don't always stay perfectly calm. But having this roadmap for DD's meltdowns helps me stay a lot calmer than I would otherwise. I also sometimes have to go somewhere by myself and just scream into a pillow.

+1 Excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

1. You need to try harder to not lose your cool. I KNOW how difficult this is. I promise, I do. I have a child who I think was harder than yours. I'm naturally an anxious, hot-tempered, impulsive, loud person, and learning to stay calm in the midst of DD's storms was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it. If you want to know how I can get into that.

2. I would parent her as though she does have ADHD even though she doesn't have it. My oldest has ADHD (and she is on the spectrum and has anxiety) and getting really into parenting her as a neurodivergent kid was so helpful. Other parenting techniques don't work on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You need to try harder to not lose your cool. I KNOW how difficult this is. I promise, I do. I have a child who I think was harder than yours. I'm naturally an anxious, hot-tempered, impulsive, loud person, and learning to stay calm in the midst of DD's storms was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I did it. If you want to know how I can get into that.

2. I would parent her as though she does have ADHD even though she doesn't have it. My oldest has ADHD (and she is on the spectrum and has anxiety) and getting really into parenting her as a neurodivergent kid was so helpful. Other parenting techniques don't work on her.

Op - how did you learn to keep your cool? I sincerely try and for most of the time I do! It’s the big outbursts that cause the most problems.

I listen to podcasts about parenting (thanks to the pp who suggested the podcast. Just started it). I also talk with her therapist regularly to come up with ideas and strategies to help her.

[Anonymous]

I think parent training would be great - especially parent child interaction therapy (PCIT). Great part is both parents go so your DH will have to see how hard you’re working and what he needs to do. And another vote for treating her like you would someone with ADHD bc emotional outbursts are so common with those kids.

Have you told DH how his Monday morning quarterbacking makes you feel? My DH did that too bc he thought it was helpful but he has mostly stopped when I explained how it hurt me - now we brainstorm ideas for next time together but like two days later when we are both calm.