Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are these girls? How can a girl just leave school?

They text or call their mom to pick them up.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is considered coll bc she’s sport and the girl is artsy so not considered cool? Who says? I think artsy is much cooler than sporty. Seems that your DD has a big head and was mean to her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my problem with OP and her first post.

In describing what happened, she threw in this sentence:

“However, my DD is seen as a ‘cool’ girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative.”

It was completely unnecessary to do that. Has she not included that sentence, this is how that same paragraph would have read:

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to ‘drop’ and bully her child.”

Why did OP have to share that her daughter is a “cool” girl? What does that add to the equation? Absolutely nothing.

OP has a mean girl and is proud of it. That’s what’s going on here.

I agree. And omg so many moms think their kid is considered "cool" when in reality they only have social capital within a small group. Outside that group they are nobodies. The real "cool" kids are the ones with very permissive and rich parents. That's it. If you didn't have permissive and rich parents, you were not cool, no matter how many friends you had or how sporty you were. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So not cool kid gets up the courage to ask to hang out with cool kid who was a friend but who has apparently moved on. Cool kid totally disses her. Painful for not cool kid - probably devastating.

It won’t be a surprise for the moms to talk about it and to take sides. It’s a pretty awful and painful thing to happen to a kid. No one wants their kid to have experienced what not cool kid experienced.

Not saying they can’t move on. But when a friend takes the risk and asks to hang out, it’s really cruel to say no. I’m pretty shocked at OP’s daughter’s insensitivity and OP’s inability to recognize how cruel her daughter was.

A teenagers running home to mama (and leaving school early) over the lack of a play date is pathetic.

Kind of makes it a worse look for OP’s daughter. She intentionally devastated a fragile friend.

Not really. The fact she can’t take a “no” to hanging out is a HUGE parenting fail on behalf of her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my problem with OP and her first post.

In describing what happened, she threw in this sentence:

“However, my DD is seen as a ‘cool’ girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative.”

It was completely unnecessary to do that. Has she not included that sentence, this is how that same paragraph would have read:

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to ‘drop’ and bully her child.”

Why did OP have to share that her daughter is a “cool” girl? What does that add to the equation? Absolutely nothing.

OP has a mean girl and is proud of it. That’s what’s going on here.

I agree. And omg so many moms think their kid is considered "cool" when in reality they only have social capital within a small group. Outside that group they are nobodies. The real "cool" kids are the ones with very permissive and rich parents. That's it. If you didn't have permissive and rich parents, you were not cool, no matter how many friends you had or how sporty you were. Get over it.

The op should get over it but loser girl shouldn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is considered coll bc she’s sport and the girl is artsy so not considered cool? Who says? I think artsy is much cooler than sporty. Seems that your DD has a big head and was mean to her friend.

It's all a farce. A mirage. The only true cool kids are the ones with permissive and rich parents. Everyone else is just jockeying for position within their small group of nobodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my problem with OP and her first post.

In describing what happened, she threw in this sentence:

“However, my DD is seen as a ‘cool’ girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative.”

It was completely unnecessary to do that. Has she not included that sentence, this is how that same paragraph would have read:

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to ‘drop’ and bully her child.”

Why did OP have to share that her daughter is a “cool” girl? What does that add to the equation? Absolutely nothing.

OP has a mean girl and is proud of it. That’s what’s going on here.

I agree. And omg so many moms think their kid is considered "cool" when in reality they only have social capital within a small group. Outside that group they are nobodies. The real "cool" kids are the ones with very permissive and rich parents. That's it. If you didn't have permissive and rich parents, you were not cool, no matter how many friends you had or how sporty you were. Get over it.

The op should get over it but loser girl shouldn’t?

they should all get over it because neither of them are cool kids. at least the dorky friend knows it.

[Anonymous]

“ Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.”

So they were at school when this exclusion occurred.

First of all, tell your daughter to stop texting with friends at school.

Second, what was the context of the hangout request ? Was it, “hey, can I eat with you guys today at lunch?” In that case, DD should have said. If it’s “hey I hear you are going over to larla’s house can I go to?” It would be more appropriate to say no. Maybe, “no, but hopefully we can hang out soon when our families get together!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is considered coll bc she’s sport and the girl is artsy so not considered cool? Who says? I think artsy is much cooler than sporty. Seems that your DD has a big head and was mean to her friend.

I don’t think just because a girl plays a sport she’s considered cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is considered coll bc she’s sport and the girl is artsy so not considered cool? Who says? I think artsy is much cooler than sporty. Seems that your DD has a big head and was mean to her friend.

I don’t think just because a girl plays a sport she’s considered cool.

Everyone and their pet turtle plays soccer. It's cliche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

You already did.

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

Your child doesn't have to remain friends for life, but should know to always be kind.

My DD has a friend group since PK. While she is no longer super close to all of them, she remains a kind and supportive acquaintance.

There are ways to say no without being nasty and mean. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Who knows what may happen in the future. Your child is the cool one now, but the other girl may end up having have a far better life than your DD. How would you feel if it was your daughter being rejected? Answer that and proceed with kindness.

[Anonymous]

I have an “artsy” dd who spent a bit of time in middle school being in and out with some “cooler” sporty kids. Of course she ended up finding her own people in high school and it was fine. Much better for her. Not easy when she was in the middle of the period of social upheaval, but certainly not bullying when she just wasn’t in their preferred friend group anymore, just kids growing up and moving on. This is clearly about the moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

You already did.

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

OP said her daughter was being exclusionary, and unkind in the process. OP also attributes the separation between the girls and the resulting exclusion to her daughter being more "cool" than the artsy girl (what kind of a 90's movie are we in, btw?). So her daughter is unkindly excluding people for not being cool according to the standard at their particular school - that's pretty much the definition of a mean girl.

Of course OP also says "it's nothing personal" and then a few lines later says her daughter doesn't like the girl. She's all over the place.

+1

No, it is to illustrate why the other mom might be defensive - one kid is "cool" etc. It's a dynamic most people can relate to, a shorthand to explain the situation - cool friend moves on from fringe friend, mom gets hurt, how does other mom handle it.

I don't think "other mom" got hurt by the cool friend moving on. I think it's because her kid came home early from school in tears because the "cool kid" was mean to her and socially excluding her. "Cool mom" seems really hung up on pointing out how her kid's meanness doesn't meet the technical definition of bullying when it comes to this alternative, fringe kid who shouldn't really expect to be included or even treated kindly by someone she's known for years, but somehow that doesn't feel like A-1 parenting to me. But hey, I'm not campaigning for homecoming queen on behalf of my daughter, what do I know.

+1

Unfortunately this is common these days.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you that kids need to be allowed to outgrow their friends and move on. How to do that is really tricky - for adults as well as kids - but not wanting to hang out with someone she doesn't feel connected to certainly doesn't make her mean or a bully in an of itself. I think there is almost no way around this being a really dicey situation for the moms though, and certainly saw a number of mom friendships blow up when kids were going through similar things. So I think you just be the bigger person, be kind, give your kid some grace while also expecting her to be kind to people she is moving away from.

This entire thread should have ended at this comment. This is the most comprehensive sane and emotionally healthy response here.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is a mean girl. So are you. You encourage this by playing up how cool she is and how she has nothing in common with the uncool artsy girl.