Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So not cool kid gets up the courage to ask to hang out with cool kid who was a friend but who has apparently moved on. Cool kid totally disses her. Painful for not cool kid - probably devastating.

It won’t be a surprise for the moms to talk about it and to take sides. It’s a pretty awful and painful thing to happen to a kid. No one wants their kid to have experienced what not cool kid experienced.

Not saying they can’t move on. But when a friend takes the risk and asks to hang out, it’s really cruel to say no. I’m pretty shocked at OP’s daughter’s insensitivity and OP’s inability to recognize how cruel her daughter was.

A teenagers running home to mama (and leaving school early) over the lack of a play date is pathetic.

Kind of makes it a worse look for OP’s daughter. She intentionally devastated a fragile friend.

Not OPs problem that the other girl has absolutely no resilience. This comes as no surprise since she has a momager for a parent. Fragile kids are created.

All of what is described here is normal teenage behavior that kids learn from. If every teen could managed to walk on eggshells around others geo are emotionally and socially immature then I guess high school would be a magical safe space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.

I’m the PP you quoted. I was not super cool in HS. I did know enough to not leave school early or go crying to mommy over a social slight. My mother also knew better enough to blow up the 2000’s version of her friend group group chat over social slights.

This response, plus your earlier one, tells me everything I need to know about where you lie on the mean girl spectrum. Next.

[Anonymous]

I would meet with the mom to discuss, apologize for your daughter being rude, but stress that the girls seem to be growing apart, and while you expect your daughter to be kind and polite and to hang out if the families get together, you cannot force her to hang out with this girl on her own.

Realistically, as kids get older, their free time to hang out is very limited. My son is a sophomore, and has 6 sports practices a week (for a single sport). He has a girlfriend that he says is serious (I like her but feel they are too young), and has pulled away from some friends he has less in common with just because he has so little time (and wants to spend most of the free time he does have with this girlfriend - again, I don't agree, but his choice). I would not direct him to spend free time with someone he didn't want to (outside of family get togethers). However, if I found out he was being a jerk or mean in declining invites from a child whose mom I was friendly with, I would crack down on the tone of it quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're wrong, your daughter was wrong, the other girl was wrong, and the other girl's mother was wrong.

You should be encouraging your DD to be friends with people who have different interests from her and aren't only just like her.

Your daughter needs to learn tact and to be kind in rejection.

The other girl needs a backbone and shouldn't be so upset by a tactless rejection (no, you're boring) that she needs to leave school early.

The other girl's mom needs to encourage her daughter to have a backbone and needs to stop gossiping.

As usual, the correct answer is on the first page. Thank you.

Yes, this was perfectly put.

[Anonymous]

It is normal (and developmentally appropriate!) for friendships to shift and change, especially in early high school. OP, you need to help your daughter navigate this gracefully. She was hurtful to someone she has been friends with for a long time. That is not okay. Acknowledge to her that is is hard to navigate. Help her figure out a way to decline the old friend without making her feel horrible. Just a standard line she can use like, “I have conflict and can’t make it.” No need to apologize or be mean. Reiterate over and over that in life your family has a rule - “You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you need to be kind to others.” Or “You can chose your friends, but you must still be kind to everyone else.”
- Mom of 3 college age girls that has been through this A LOT on both sides

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar boat except the kids are starting to exclude the mean kid in middle school. Their mom is sweet and cares about her kid being excluded (reaching out with calls/texts) but kid has valid reasons for their behavior and it's not like people can say "fix them now, they're being a snot" when kid has been through a lot of other hardships. The other kids are just more independent now and not interested in continuing their tolerance for off behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So not cool kid gets up the courage to ask to hang out with cool kid who was a friend but who has apparently moved on. Cool kid totally disses her. Painful for not cool kid - probably devastating.

It won’t be a surprise for the moms to talk about it and to take sides. It’s a pretty awful and painful thing to happen to a kid. No one wants their kid to have experienced what not cool kid experienced.

Not saying they can’t move on. But when a friend takes the risk and asks to hang out, it’s really cruel to say no. I’m pretty shocked at OP’s daughter’s insensitivity and OP’s inability to recognize how cruel her daughter was.

A teenagers running home to mama (and leaving school early) over the lack of a play date is pathetic.

Kind of makes it a worse look for OP’s daughter. She intentionally devastated a fragile friend.

Not OPs problem that the other girl has absolutely no resilience. This comes as no surprise since she has a momager for a parent. Fragile kids are created.

All of what is described here is normal teenage behavior that kids learn from. If every teen could managed to walk on eggshells around others geo are emotionally and socially immature then I guess high school would be a magical safe space.

Intern, it’s also normal for that girl’s mom not want to be friends with OP.

It’s no big deal just MoveOn make new friends

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Or "a" thing. Girls who fare well socially at this age also end up being targets. They're all just kids, figuring things out, and it's time for the moms to step away. I know it's hard to see your kid hurting, but you do not approach the other mom, and get the mutual mom friends involved. You encourage your own kid to be around others who appreciate her. Full stop.

My DD12 is very sweet. She got an award at camp this summer for "making everyone feel like they belong." That's her way and I'm very proud of her.

She's also beautiful, a top student, and gets the lead in the musicals. Haters come for her, regardless of the fact that she is really nice to everyone. There are times when she wants to hang out with some kids and not others-- I have seen the texts. She is never mean. Does that mean kids never gossip about her and say things that aren't true? No.

Unfortunately, some of the kids painting themselves as victims do nasty and underhanded things. Some of their moms would rather blame some ambiguously "cool" girl for the fact that their kid is floundering a bit trying to find their way in MS. (Which is normal!)

Recently, a girl (Larla- very nice) asked DD to see a play some mutual friends were in and they went. Just the two of them. Another friend (NOT a bestie, but someone she's known for a long time) who is not friends with Larla, but knows her, also came to the play with her mom and was upset about that DD was there with Larla. DD did nothing, but her friend is just sad about it, and probably complains to her mother about it. To this girl, it's just a crime that DD had fun plans with Larla. It's something that DD did that was wrong. It sounds insane, but I have empathy. It's a tough age, they're going through a lot, everything is changing.

The point is they are all kids and deserve some grace. But automatically blaming the child who may have more social capital isn't right. I'm trying to teach my DD to ignore this kind of thing. But it's not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

Does she not like the other girl or is it just differences in activities? Because you say both and seem to be justifying your DD's behavior. And sorry you can't describe your kid as "cool" and say you have not interest in her social life. LOL.

Your DD was being a B--ch and you know she was. She was unkind and excluding a friend. She is entitled to not hang with her former friend, who she is obviously too cool for (and you seem to be relishing that). But she shouldn't also act like her former friend isn't also entitled to reasonably be hurt by being excluded.

You're kid is on the path to be a jerk. And you seem to be ok with that. Fine. But regarding the other mom, her mistake is trying to talk to you about it (that is always the mistake b/c the mean girl moms never acknowledge their kid is mean). You want things to be normal despite how your kid is acting. You want normal w/o any consequence and that is not a reasonable expectation. That's not how it works. And you and I would be done. And frankly, you seem to be upset that she's talking to the other friends about the situation and causing strain . . . kind of ironic isn't it? Given you're ok with your kid doing the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter was mean to a girl she's known for years because she's too sporty? Even telling this from your point of view you can't quite cover up that your kid is in the wrong.

Every adult doesn't need to "pick sides" but if you're willing to get involved in your DD's social life enough to read her texts, you can stay involved enough to tell her she was unkind and owes the other girl an apology. They don't have to be friends or ever hang out, but in your own words here you're raising a mean girl and you seem somewhere between fine with it and proud of it.

1. Where does it say anything about being "too" sporty? It doesn't.
2. Every parent should read a child's text to monitor.
3. Where does it say, "I am raising a mean girl." It doesn't.

You didn't say it. But your OP shows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

[Anonymous]

Here's what I said to my son: "You don't have to be friends with Johnny but his mother is one of my best friends, so you do have to be polite to him." The end. The irony is that a year later my son and Johnny ended up as good friends after all.
The fact that you describe your daughter as "cool" is a red flag to me. You should not be concerned with her coolness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Can you elaborate? Like, one person not being invited = bullying? So every person needs to be included in everything? How exactly does this work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

No. This isn’t true across the board. Context is everything people.

Kids DO make new friends as the years go on, and it IS ok to make solo plans with new friends. That isn’t bullying. We want kids to have agency and be resilient. They need to be taught you’re not going to be invited everywhere and that’s ok! I taught that to my kids early in elementary school. It can hurt, but they need a positive perspective & to look at it through a different lens.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to see why the younger generations feel so easily triggered and entitled to have their feelings dominate every situation.

If peers do not want you to be part of what they're doing, find new people.

As a parent, your job is to strengthen your child's bonds with siblings, cousins, and family friends. To put them in different activities, with non-school friends. Fill their time and interest with things that they care about and enjoy.

Not making others responsible for every sad feeling the kid may have and bending the world to fit what they want in that moment.

Now it's not enough that another kid is not mean, if they are not the perfect picture of adolescent kindness, they're a villain. Meanwhile... a kid focusing on others not wanting to be around them is not exactly a poster child for selflessness. They're wrapped up in themselves. Which is fine, they're kids, no one's perfect. But stop with the blaming of everyone else.