My niece just screwed herself

[Anonymous]

I find DCUM amusing. There’s a huge generational divide in it. Anyone over the age of 50 or so can’t catch a break. They’re derided as “boomers” when they lodge any complaint.

I totally get the posters who say that OP is making too big a deal out of this. I don’t understand the posters who say that the OP is terrible for expecting a thank you note in the first place, though. Those are the rules of the game and everybody knows it. You throw a formal wedding, you invite people, they send gifts - you thank them. Otherwise you don’t have a formal wedding. It’s not “old fashioned” or selfish to expect a thank you note man. C’mon.

We threw three very nice weddings for three of our daughters. Paid for everything. You’re damned right our girls sent thank you notes.

We recently attended a wedding of the daughter of old friends in another state. It wasn’t a fancy wedding or anything, but it was nice. We made the decision to spend only one night in the hotel instead of two so we could give the newlyweds a little more money. We gave them $500, which I’m guessing was on the higher end of what they received given the wedding. A few months later we got a postcard from them with their picture and a generic “thank you for your gift.” It wasn’t personalized at all. Even the address was a printed label, and they didn’t even sign it. Not a single printed word. I remember thinking “why bother,” ha ha, but I’m not cutting the couple off! I was just very surprised is all.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s less “screwed” and more “profoundly lucky to have dodged an irrational bullet”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find DCUM amusing. There’s a huge generational divide in it. Anyone over the age of 50 or so can’t catch a break. They’re derided as “boomers” when they lodge any complaint.

I totally get the posters who say that OP is making too big a deal out of this. I don’t understand the posters who say that the OP is terrible for expecting a thank you note in the first place, though. Those are the rules of the game and everybody knows it. You throw a formal wedding, you invite people, they send gifts - you thank them. Otherwise you don’t have a formal wedding. It’s not “old fashioned” or selfish to expect a thank you note man. C’mon.

We threw three very nice weddings for three of our daughters. Paid for everything. You’re damned right our girls sent thank you notes.

We recently attended a wedding of the daughter of old friends in another state. It wasn’t a fancy wedding or anything, but it was nice. We made the decision to spend only one night in the hotel instead of two so we could give the newlyweds a little more money. We gave them $500, which I’m guessing was on the higher end of what they received given the wedding. A few months later we got a postcard from them with their picture and a generic “thank you for your gift.” It wasn’t personalized at all. Even the address was a printed label, and they didn’t even sign it. Not a single printed word. I remember thinking “why bother,” ha ha, but I’m not cutting the couple off! I was just very surprised is all.

Can you please show the time stamps for anyone who has literally said “OP is terrible for expecting a thank you note in the first place”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find DCUM amusing. There’s a huge generational divide in it. Anyone over the age of 50 or so can’t catch a break. They’re derided as “boomers” when they lodge any complaint.

I totally get the posters who say that OP is making too big a deal out of this. I don’t understand the posters who say that the OP is terrible for expecting a thank you note in the first place, though. Those are the rules of the game and everybody knows it. You throw a formal wedding, you invite people, they send gifts - you thank them. Otherwise you don’t have a formal wedding. It’s not “old fashioned” or selfish to expect a thank you note man. C’mon.

We threw three very nice weddings for three of our daughters. Paid for everything. You’re damned right our girls sent thank you notes.

We recently attended a wedding of the daughter of old friends in another state. It wasn’t a fancy wedding or anything, but it was nice. We made the decision to spend only one night in the hotel instead of two so we could give the newlyweds a little more money. We gave them $500, which I’m guessing was on the higher end of what they received given the wedding. A few months later we got a postcard from them with their picture and a generic “thank you for your gift.” It wasn’t personalized at all. Even the address was a printed label, and they didn’t even sign it. Not a single printed word. I remember thinking “why bother,” ha ha, but I’m not cutting the couple off! I was just very surprised is all.

That's not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to assume that not sending a thank you indicates that the recipient didn't want whatever you sent but didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so. The kind and tactful thing to do is not to send any more gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to assume that not sending a thank you indicates that the recipient didn't want whatever you sent but didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so. The kind and tactful thing to do is not to send any more gifts.

The unspoken part here about tact is that it is also tacky to celebrate that publicly, or even privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find DCUM amusing. There’s a huge generational divide in it. Anyone over the age of 50 or so can’t catch a break. They’re derided as “boomers” when they lodge any complaint.

I totally get the posters who say that OP is making too big a deal out of this. I don’t understand the posters who say that the OP is terrible for expecting a thank you note in the first place, though. Those are the rules of the game and everybody knows it. You throw a formal wedding, you invite people, they send gifts - you thank them. Otherwise you don’t have a formal wedding. It’s not “old fashioned” or selfish to expect a thank you note man. C’mon.

We threw three very nice weddings for three of our daughters. Paid for everything. You’re damned right our girls sent thank you notes.

We recently attended a wedding of the daughter of old friends in another state. It wasn’t a fancy wedding or anything, but it was nice. We made the decision to spend only one night in the hotel instead of two so we could give the newlyweds a little more money. We gave them $500, which I’m guessing was on the higher end of what they received given the wedding. A few months later we got a postcard from them with their picture and a generic “thank you for your gift.” It wasn’t personalized at all. Even the address was a printed label, and they didn’t even sign it. Not a single printed word. I remember thinking “why bother,” ha ha, but I’m not cutting the couple off! I was just very surprised is all.

You actually were thanked for your gift. People complain when they don’t receive thanks and also apparently complain if the thank you was not personalized to meet their needs?! JFC.

[Anonymous]

An acknowledgment of a gift is always appropriate, if you someone on in person, or you send a text, or call, or a handwritten note.

[Anonymous]

The aunt, nursing this grudge for 30 years and imaging her niece’s constant suffering and regret as each birthday passes without a gift card or scented candle.

The niece, the whole time:

[Anonymous]

I thought a gift was something you gave without expecting anything in return?

[Anonymous]

I never send gifts to anyone. If I do not attend a major event like a baby shower or a wedding, I give a gift when I meet the person. The gift is usually a check in a card. (Never cash).

As for the weddings of nieces and nephews, I belong to a culture where I will give a generous check for them to their parents much before the wedding. And $5,001 is the minimum amount to give to a niece or nephew.

[Anonymous]

Iam going to assume she deposited the check? If not, perhaps she never got it?

If she deposited it, she or her husband should have written a thank you note. Has it been a year?

I have a sibling who is wealthy, but prides herself on going to TJ Maxx and buying 10 crystal vases for $20 a piece to give as wedding gifts even when there are no vases on thew darn registry and then she gets herself in a tizzy if she doesn't get her thank you note within a month. That I find tacky on my sister's part. We wrote thank you notes to everyone, even the couple notorious for doing this sort of thing and in our case the vase we got was glass and shattered and I cut my hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never send gifts to anyone. If I do not attend a major event like a baby shower or a wedding, I give a gift when I meet the person. The gift is usually a check in a card. (Never cash).

As for the weddings of nieces and nephews, I belong to a culture where I will give a generous check for them to their parents much before the wedding. And $5,001 is the minimum amount to give to a niece or nephew.

What culture is this where $5001 is the minimum and what happens if you give $4,999?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one is saying it’s totally fine not to say thank you.

Literally most of the posts on here are saying exactly that -- that OP is trying "buy affection" because she expected a thank you from her niece.

Saying thank you into thin air while you endorse the check doesn't count.

Another WHOOSH for you! Literally no one is saying it is totally fine for niece to not say thank you. Everyone agrees that the niece is wrong. But the aunt’s bitter freakout is petty, graceless and tacky. And that’s worse than the niece forgetting to thank her.

The aunt isn't bitter or freaking out. She's just disappointed or maybe disgusted with her niece even though she still loves her. The so-called freak out consists of her deciding not to give her any more gifts. You are overreacting because you are relating more to the niece's mistake than the aunt's justified complaint. Posting her reaction on DCUM isn't any more than a minor vent. It might be petty, graceless and tacky if she was broadcasting to her whole extended family so they would side with her but I bet she's not doing that because she decided to vent on DCUM instead. Like lots of people do when they don't want to complain in real life to people they care about.

I imagine that many people on DCUM are more experienced with forgetting to say thank you than they are with giving a nice gift and not getting a thank you. That's why they are defending the niece and insulting the aunt.

No. The niece should say "thank you," unquestionably. It's ungrateful and unkind not to. But there are a thousand reasons why this might have happened, and not all of them have anything to do with poor intent or deliberate slight on her part.

However, there is a palpable satisfaction to the first post of this thread, and even moreso the title. She "just screwed herself" -- there's a glee there. It's ugly. There is no interpretation that doesn't make the sentiment ugly. That is what you are hearing.

Oh get over yourself. You sound like a drama llama. OP was just venting anonymously. I can’t believe most of the folks on this thread would have no feelings about a close relative not thanking them for a generous cash gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just talk to her, OP? Are you not very close that you can't say, Sally, I never heard from you about our gift and am wondering if you sent a note I didn't get? I feel hurt if you didn't acknowledge it.

I would die of embarrassment before I EVER said anything like that to anyone.

Why? Are you 12? Adults talk to one another.