Why do people think you have to spend so much on your kids?

[Anonymous]

Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. What if your kid is a soccer or dance or basketball phenom and you were too cheap to explore their interest, when you could afford it? So sad, there is a balance you can strike. My child has a fantastic life, is well rounded and gets the joy out of exploring various sports and hobbies. I have a high net worth and don't have to budget what I spend. I would rather give my child excellent experiences and think about it as enriching their life.

The likelihood that OP’s kid is phenomenal at anything is zero and OP already knows it. I think it’s good that OP had already realized that his kids aren’t worth extensive investment— the money can then be put elsewhere.

Lol as if the typical UMC white kid is ever going to be in the NBA or go to the World Cup, most of your kids are destined to be pencil pushing cogs like the rest of us. Delusional to think spending hundreds of thousands on enriching activities will lead to a significantly different outcome.

You aren’t clued. People spend thousands of dollars on youth sports so that their kid can get a recruited athlete spot at an elite college, or to get an athletic scholarship, but usually the former. You do NOT need to be an Olympic-level athlete to get a recruiting likely letter, not even close.

Tell yourself whatever you want to feel good, but it isn’t true. Getting recruited into an elite college is extremely difficult because there aren’t too many spots. Your kid will have to be truly excellent at their sport to get in that way.

Of course there aren’t too many spots, but there are always spots for truly smart kids.
Kids that aren’t smart enough will try to get an athlete spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s hoping OP’s kids stick them in the crappiest home they can find when the time comes

Kids will do that anyway. If your retirement plan is to use your kids as an ATM machine because you paid for their expensive activities and their tuition at elite colleges, I feel sorry for them. Save for your own retirement and don’t be dependent on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids don’t want to do rec soccer. They want to dance, do gymnastics, ride horses, take piano lessons, and play volleyball. They don’t want to go to cheap summer camp - they want to go to performing arts camps and travel camps, and tennis camps, etc.

I’m glad that your children are happy. My children have different interests. More expensive interests.

Lol, have you ever tried telling your kids no? I'm sure they're peaches in public.

If feel sorry for you and your kids if you cannot say no to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Not OP, but this is very enlightening. My kids are young so we haven’t been through this yet, but are planning to save for college.

I wanted to add on that the fact parental income is factored into FAFSA is proof that it is a societal expectation that if you have decent income you will help your children fund their college education. It is the default expectation. This isn’t even in the same boat as extravagant extracurriculars (although I do see merit to exposing your kids to a variety of ECs but I digress).

Should it be this way? Probably not. College expenses are so out of control and in many ways college is now the minimum for entry level white collar work. I feel bad for the families making less than 400k who won’t qualify for aid and are trying to help their kids.

But it’s the system we have and I think bucking “the system” at the expense of your children’s future is a really crappy thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. What if your kid is a soccer or dance or basketball phenom and you were too cheap to explore their interest, when you could afford it? So sad, there is a balance you can strike. My child has a fantastic life, is well rounded and gets the joy out of exploring various sports and hobbies. I have a high net worth and don't have to budget what I spend. I would rather give my child excellent experiences and think about it as enriching their life.

The likelihood that OP’s kid is phenomenal at anything is zero and OP already knows it. I think it’s good that OP had already realized that his kids aren’t worth extensive investment— the money can then be put elsewhere.

Lol as if the typical UMC white kid is ever going to be in the NBA or go to the World Cup, most of your kids are destined to be pencil pushing cogs like the rest of us. Delusional to think spending hundreds of thousands on enriching activities will lead to a significantly different outcome.

You aren’t clued. People spend thousands of dollars on youth sports so that their kid can get a recruited athlete spot at an elite college, or to get an athletic scholarship, but usually the former. You do NOT need to be an Olympic-level athlete to get a recruiting likely letter, not even close.

Tell yourself whatever you want to feel good, but it isn’t true. Getting recruited into an elite college is extremely difficult because there aren’t too many spots. Your kid will have to be truly excellent at their sport to get in that way.

Of course there aren’t too many spots, but there are always spots for truly smart kids.
Kids that aren’t smart enough will try to get an athlete spot.

Begging the Question with a No True Scotsman enhancer. Well done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Not OP, but this is very enlightening. My kids are young so we haven’t been through this yet, but are planning to save for college.

I wanted to add on that the fact parental income is factored into FAFSA is proof that it is a societal expectation that if you have decent income you will help your children fund their college education. It is the default expectation. This isn’t even in the same boat as extravagant extracurriculars (although I do see merit to exposing your kids to a variety of ECs but I digress).

Should it be this way? Probably not. College expenses are so out of control and in many ways college is now the minimum for entry level white collar work. I feel bad for the families making less than 400k who won’t qualify for aid and are trying to help their kids.

But it’s the system we have and I think bucking “the system” at the expense of your children’s future is a really crappy thing to do.

And I’ll add that I was the first in my family to graduate college. My parents made major sacrifices to send me and my dad explicitly sat me down and told me he expected that I do the same for my kids someday. We as parents are *supposed* to invest in our children. Not spoil them. But invest in giving them a good future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question meant without snark - what is 2k/year saved going to do for them? Are you planning on funding the rest of their college education? They won’t get aid with parents who have a 400k HHI, right?

I expect them to pay their way through school/get loans/community college the first 2 years. Once they can work I’ll encourage them to get jobs to help save for their college education. I’ll also discourage them from majoring in a field with poor earning prospects.

"Pay their way" using yr $2K/month you allocated, or without?

And how much was tuition when you when to school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you’ve lined up long-term care.

Haven’t you? Don’t tell me your long-term care plan is to be dependent on your kids?
Poor kids. They deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. What if your kid is a soccer or dance or basketball phenom and you were too cheap to explore their interest, when you could afford it? So sad, there is a balance you can strike. My child has a fantastic life, is well rounded and gets the joy out of exploring various sports and hobbies. I have a high net worth and don't have to budget what I spend. I would rather give my child excellent experiences and think about it as enriching their life.

The likelihood that OP’s kid is phenomenal at anything is zero and OP already knows it. I think it’s good that OP had already realized that his kids aren’t worth extensive investment— the money can then be put elsewhere.

Lol as if the typical UMC white kid is ever going to be in the NBA or go to the World Cup, most of your kids are destined to be pencil pushing cogs like the rest of us. Delusional to think spending hundreds of thousands on enriching activities will lead to a significantly different outcome.

You aren’t clued. People spend thousands of dollars on youth sports so that their kid can get a recruited athlete spot at an elite college, or to get an athletic scholarship, but usually the former. You do NOT need to be an Olympic-level athlete to get a recruiting likely letter, not even close.

My kids do club sports and expensive music programs and I have zero expectations for a scholarship nor want them to do either in college as I want them to go to get educated for a career that can financially support them. They do it for enjoyment/exercise.

Exactly, I was a rec soccer kid and I got plenty of exercise and had a blast. I went to school with kids on travel teams which I was a bit jealous of at the time (I probably wasn’t even good enough to be on them anyway) but it didn’t matter in the end, most of those kids never played soccer at the D1 level. There’s so much elitism on this forum and it’s full of parents trying to justify the inordinate amount of money they spend on activities.

I think if you’re truly wealthy right out of the gate and endowed with lots of family money it’s no problem to go all out for your kids. If money was no object I would do the same for my children. But at the end of the day most of the stuff UMC’s think are needs are in reality wants, and done for appearances and to fit in with various social crowds. Kids don’t need to be pampered this much to turn out decent.

+1000
I’m reading so much nonsense here. There are many paths to success. If you interview the happiest and successful people out there, you would find out that most of them didn’t necessarily have a childhood full of expensive stuffs, activities, private school and expensive elite colleges.
Raise your kids to have good moral values, to be good human beings. Make sure they understand the value of money and hard work. Give them the things that are necessary to be successful in life. Anything extra won’t make a difference. No need to spend lavishly, it could even backfire and turn them into spoiled entitled kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. What if your kid is a soccer or dance or basketball phenom and you were too cheap to explore their interest, when you could afford it? So sad, there is a balance you can strike. My child has a fantastic life, is well rounded and gets the joy out of exploring various sports and hobbies. I have a high net worth and don't have to budget what I spend. I would rather give my child excellent experiences and think about it as enriching their life.

The likelihood that OP’s kid is phenomenal at anything is zero and OP already knows it. I think it’s good that OP had already realized that his kids aren’t worth extensive investment— the money can then be put elsewhere.

Lol as if the typical UMC white kid is ever going to be in the NBA or go to the World Cup, most of your kids are destined to be pencil pushing cogs like the rest of us. Delusional to think spending hundreds of thousands on enriching activities will lead to a significantly different outcome.

You aren’t clued. People spend thousands of dollars on youth sports so that their kid can get a recruited athlete spot at an elite college, or to get an athletic scholarship, but usually the former. You do NOT need to be an Olympic-level athlete to get a recruiting likely letter, not even close.

My kids do club sports and expensive music programs and I have zero expectations for a scholarship nor want them to do either in college as I want them to go to get educated for a career that can financially support them. They do it for enjoyment/exercise.

Exactly, I was a rec soccer kid and I got plenty of exercise and had a blast. I went to school with kids on travel teams which I was a bit jealous of at the time (I probably wasn’t even good enough to be on them anyway) but it didn’t matter in the end, most of those kids never played soccer at the D1 level. There’s so much elitism on this forum and it’s full of parents trying to justify the inordinate amount of money they spend on activities.

I think if you’re truly wealthy right out of the gate and endowed with lots of family money it’s no problem to go all out for your kids. If money was no object I would do the same for my children. But at the end of the day most of the stuff UMC’s think are needs are in reality wants, and done for appearances and to fit in with various social crowds. Kids don’t need to be pampered this much to turn out decent.

+1000
I’m reading so much nonsense here. There are many paths to success. If you interview the happiest and successful people out there, you would find out that most of them didn’t necessarily have a childhood full of expensive stuffs, activities, private school and expensive elite colleges.
Raise your kids to have good moral values, to be good human beings. Make sure they understand the value of money and hard work. Give them the things that are necessary to be successful in life. Anything extra won’t make a difference. No need to spend lavishly, it could even backfire and turn them into spoiled entitled kids.

Uh, yes they did. Keep telling yourself otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. What if your kid is a soccer or dance or basketball phenom and you were too cheap to explore their interest, when you could afford it? So sad, there is a balance you can strike. My child has a fantastic life, is well rounded and gets the joy out of exploring various sports and hobbies. I have a high net worth and don't have to budget what I spend. I would rather give my child excellent experiences and think about it as enriching their life.

The likelihood that OP’s kid is phenomenal at anything is zero and OP already knows it. I think it’s good that OP had already realized that his kids aren’t worth extensive investment— the money can then be put elsewhere.

Lol as if the typical UMC white kid is ever going to be in the NBA or go to the World Cup, most of your kids are destined to be pencil pushing cogs like the rest of us. Delusional to think spending hundreds of thousands on enriching activities will lead to a significantly different outcome.

You aren’t clued. People spend thousands of dollars on youth sports so that their kid can get a recruited athlete spot at an elite college, or to get an athletic scholarship, but usually the former. You do NOT need to be an Olympic-level athlete to get a recruiting likely letter, not even close.

My kids do club sports and expensive music programs and I have zero expectations for a scholarship nor want them to do either in college as I want them to go to get educated for a career that can financially support them. They do it for enjoyment/exercise.

Exactly, I was a rec soccer kid and I got plenty of exercise and had a blast. I went to school with kids on travel teams which I was a bit jealous of at the time (I probably wasn’t even good enough to be on them anyway) but it didn’t matter in the end, most of those kids never played soccer at the D1 level. There’s so much elitism on this forum and it’s full of parents trying to justify the inordinate amount of money they spend on activities.

I think if you’re truly wealthy right out of the gate and endowed with lots of family money it’s no problem to go all out for your kids. If money was no object I would do the same for my children. But at the end of the day most of the stuff UMC’s think are needs are in reality wants, and done for appearances and to fit in with various social crowds. Kids don’t need to be pampered this much to turn out decent.

+1000
I’m reading so much nonsense here. There are many paths to success. If you interview the happiest and successful people out there, you would find out that most of them didn’t necessarily have a childhood full of expensive stuffs, activities, private school and expensive elite colleges.
Raise your kids to have good moral values, to be good human beings. Make sure they understand the value of money and hard work. Give them the things that are necessary to be successful in life. Anything extra won’t make a difference. No need to spend lavishly, it could even backfire and turn them into spoiled entitled kids.

Uh, yes they did. Keep telling yourself otherwise.

DP.

Happiness and success mean different things to different people.

To many on this board, it means making as much money as you can.

Many people are happy making 150k a year. You definitely do not need private schools and expensive extracurricular to make that.

Money contributes to happiness, yes. But there is a threshold after which additional money does not add extra happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. What if your kid is a soccer or dance or basketball phenom and you were too cheap to explore their interest, when you could afford it? So sad, there is a balance you can strike. My child has a fantastic life, is well rounded and gets the joy out of exploring various sports and hobbies. I have a high net worth and don't have to budget what I spend. I would rather give my child excellent experiences and think about it as enriching their life.

The likelihood that OP’s kid is phenomenal at anything is zero and OP already knows it. I think it’s good that OP had already realized that his kids aren’t worth extensive investment— the money can then be put elsewhere.

Lol as if the typical UMC white kid is ever going to be in the NBA or go to the World Cup, most of your kids are destined to be pencil pushing cogs like the rest of us. Delusional to think spending hundreds of thousands on enriching activities will lead to a significantly different outcome.

You aren’t clued. People spend thousands of dollars on youth sports so that their kid can get a recruited athlete spot at an elite college, or to get an athletic scholarship, but usually the former. You do NOT need to be an Olympic-level athlete to get a recruiting likely letter, not even close.

My kids do club sports and expensive music programs and I have zero expectations for a scholarship nor want them to do either in college as I want them to go to get educated for a career that can financially support them. They do it for enjoyment/exercise.

Exactly, I was a rec soccer kid and I got plenty of exercise and had a blast. I went to school with kids on travel teams which I was a bit jealous of at the time (I probably wasn’t even good enough to be on them anyway) but it didn’t matter in the end, most of those kids never played soccer at the D1 level. There’s so much elitism on this forum and it’s full of parents trying to justify the inordinate amount of money they spend on activities.

I think if you’re truly wealthy right out of the gate and endowed with lots of family money it’s no problem to go all out for your kids. If money was no object I would do the same for my children. But at the end of the day most of the stuff UMC’s think are needs are in reality wants, and done for appearances and to fit in with various social crowds. Kids don’t need to be pampered this much to turn out decent.

+1000
I’m reading so much nonsense here. There are many paths to success. If you interview the happiest and successful people out there, you would find out that most of them didn’t necessarily have a childhood full of expensive stuffs, activities, private school and expensive elite colleges.
Raise your kids to have good moral values, to be good human beings. Make sure they understand the value of money and hard work. Give them the things that are necessary to be successful in life. Anything extra won’t make a difference. No need to spend lavishly, it could even backfire and turn them into spoiled entitled kids.

Uh, yes they did. Keep telling yourself otherwise.

DP.

Happiness and success mean different things to different people.

To many on this board, it means making as much money as you can.

Many people are happy making 150k a year. You definitely do not need private schools and expensive extracurricular to make that.

Money contributes to happiness, yes. But there is a threshold after which additional money does not add extra happiness.

Not having student loan debt does contribute to happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Stop blaming your parents for your own failure. Take responsibility for your failure. Nobody owns you anything even your parents. Be an adult and own your life. In your mid 40s and you are blaming your parents for shortcomings? This is pathetic.

I was an international student and didn’t qualify for any help. I had to take student loans.
I wasn’t even allowed to work. I did what I could to survive, working illegally at times.
Today I have a job in tech making $400k, all student loans are paid off. Spouse is making $300k. We have a high net worth. Life is good. I’m not sitting here blaming my parents.
In fact, I think that the struggle I went through helped me become stronger. It didn’t ruin my life like it did yours because I wasn’t an entitled child.
Grow up. Take control of your life and stop blaming your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids, we live in a 3 br townhouse in an exurb that has a 1400/mo mortgage, we send them to public school and we only save $2000 per year per kid for their college while having a 400k HHI. Rec soccer, cheap city summer camps. I don’t believe that you are morally obligated to financially strain yourself just to give your kids what society thinks is the ideal life. Our kids are very happy and don’t feel like they’re deprived from what I can tell.

OP, I wouldn’t do the same but I fully understand what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. Good parenting doesn’t mean throwing money into expensive activities for your kids. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Your kids can be happy and have a wonderful life without all of this, and it seems like they are happy.
Kids don’t need to go to elite colleges to succeed in life. Your plans don’t include paying for expensive colleges and this is totally fine.

-1

Huge difference between "paying $80K/year for elite colleges vs fully funding $40-50K/year for good state school/private school with some merit vs go to CC and figure it out from there you are on your own"

Providing an education is very different than funding expensive sports/activities.
Why have kids is you don't want to help with the basics? In 2023, helping fund college is part of the basics when you make$400K