Why is it so acceptable to alienate Dad?

[Anonymous]

So many mentally ill women on this thread. Shame on you justifying parental alienation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I see it with my boyfriend, he tries to call the kids, they don't answer, he texts his XW, she doesn't respond or have kids call, rinse and repeat.

Does the custody arrangement specify phone calls? Because it's not really mom's job to make the kids call their dad. It's the dad's job to use his parenting time to build a strong enough relationship that the kids want to talk to him. Plenty of dads manage to do it.

Most custody agreements are meaningless except if you have two rational reasonable people who are willing to work together. Dad cannot have a relationship without mom's support if she refuses contact. How does he get around her? He can't.

You clearly don’t understand custody.

If he has a court order agreement he shows up and gets the kids, if she refuses you request a police stand by.

That sounds very likely to improve your relationship with your child! It's not at all embarrassing or stressful for the kid, right? You must be a super awesome dad.

They must honor commitments whether they like it or not.

They didn't make those commitments. Those commitments were made for them. Hard for them to see why they need to honor them.

Also, you've got your parenting backwards. It's not about what you prefer. It's about what's best for the kid.

It’s best for kids to not be alienated from their father.

Fathers alienate themselves.

If mom refuse’s visits or sets up obstacles so they cannot see dad, how is dad to blame? Mom is pretty terrible.

Someone here really loves the apostrophe's!

It’s their tell. Also always general “mom this” “dad that” as though they’re not posting their own bitterness to the ex-wives they believe are the reason their kids want nothing to do with them. As their behavior makes clear, they don’t give a sh*t about what their kids need or want beyond the ways it can be used to stroke their egos or victimize their ex-wives.

They complain mightily about “moms” being greedy and materialistic while refusing to financially support their own children. It’s pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many mentally ill women on this thread. Shame on you justifying parental alienation.

Nope.

This poster alienated his own children and is a disgusting misogynist. Shame on you for enabling him. Good little handmaiden of the patriarchy you are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Custody agreements are unenforceable. What are you going to do, sedate the child to transport them if they refuse to go see the other parent? Physically grab them?

As a parent you enforce the schedule just like you do school and homework.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Also there should be retroactive fines to Mom for stalling custody/visitation if the kid is 17 and she refuses to take him to see Dad.

No there shouldn't because often times it's the child choosing not to go.

Kids do what their parents want. If mom does not want them to have a relationship they will agree to that as they don’t want her taking it out on them. Stop making kids choose. They should not have to choose. They need relationships with both parents.

Not always true, people assumed the same thing when i refused to go to my dad's but in reality my mom tried as hard as she could to get me to go, she even tried
grounding me for the duration of the scheduled visit if i didn't go.

Ok, you were a spoiled brat and mom should have done more to not have that happen.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Custody agreements are unenforceable. What are you going to do, sedate the child to transport them if they refuse to go see the other parent? Physically grab them?

As a parent you enforce the schedule just like you do school and homework.

Not if my kid hates their other parent.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dad wants to see his kid. Mom refuses.

How come dad doesn't have 50/50 custody, like the majority of dads who want it do nowadays?

Because as kids age and have neighborhood friends and local activities, forcing them to visit dad in a different neighborhood gets cruel. 50/50 becomes, it's really inconvenient to got there on Thursdays because that's the day dance is late, or she wants to have friends over for a sleep over Friday, can you get her Saturday morning instead... and then dad realizes he gets a couple of days a month

Why can't dad take her to/pick her up from dance? Why can't she have a sleepover at dad's house?

Friends and activities don't take importance over family. If you are teaching your kids that, the values are completely off. Dad doesn't get a couple of days a month if Mom schedules everything on Dad's weekends and refuses to let the kids go as their friends and activities are more important?

Majority of Dads do want their kids and custody. Mom's don't want it because it impacts child support.

In the majority of cases, mom isn't "scheduling" anything. Many many sports and other activities have set days/times for practice. Mom has NO control over it. If the kid wants to do the activity, they have to to the set days and times. The entire league, team, every other family involved is not going to adjust their schedule to accommodate Dad demanding "his time" exclusively for him.

As the custodial parent, you sign up your kids for the activities. When you sign them up, you see the schedule and if you know if conflicts you choose another. I have a choice in times I sign up my kids for activities outside of school. And when activities conflict, we sit down as a family and choose what works best for everyone. See how that works.

It isn't Dad making the scheduling decisions. It is Mom. So, Mom needs to take this into account.

sounds like dad needs to be a better and more involved parent.

He cannot with every other week visits. See how that works. If he had 50-50 yes but then mom would not get her income from him.

So, what's stopping him from having 50/50? It's the norm and presumed in many if not most places.

Usually mom demands full custody for the money. Not all dads have the money to fight and if mom moves away before a court order judges generally allow it.

Most moms AND dads can’t afford a lawyer. This is all typically done pro se. And the system is set up for it.

I realize you love to post about your poor husband and his evil ex who moved away with his kids but actually no “generally” judges do not allow it. As I recall your husband was in the service, wasn’t willing to seek discharge, and as a result couldn’t actually do half the parenting.

I'm not the pp you quoted, but the bolded stood out to me. Depending on the military member's rank, they can't always "seek discharge." If they signed a contract owing 4 years, they have to complete those 4 years.

So then I’m sure at the end of that contract he got himself discharged and rushed to be as close as possible to his kids, right?

I have no idea, I'm not the pp you quoted and I don't know them. I'm just saying a military member can't just put in their two weeks notice and get out of their contract. It's pretty much expected that at some point in a military member's career, they will spend months or even years away from their families.

PP posts prolifically about husband’s evil ex who moved with his kids but no, he didn’t ever seek a discharge. His kids grew to adulthood with no relationship with him because he wasn’t willing to make any sacrifices to have a relationship with him (like leaving the military when possible would have been).

He could not just leave the military and even if he did mom would not allow visits despite the many court hearings telling her to. And, she got life long portion of his retirement so you think she wanted him out and lose that money? And, if he got out with no job skills that could transfer, how does he pay child support and alimony? Your logic makes no sense. She moved cross country with her AP. She needed to bring them back for visits like she agreed to.

What she wanted didn’t matter and alimony/child support is adjusted when circumstances change. Fact is he didn’t love his kids enough to do whatever he could to be in their lives. Otherwise he would have left military the second he could have and gone to them.

Sorry but your husband is a trash person and dad. You stay defending him but facts are facts.

Alimony cannot be adjusted nor would child support. Be real. He’d fly out and shed refuse visits so he should give up his career and move cross country to follow her for what? Her boyfriend should have left the military and moved to be with her. Except the reality was neither man could get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I've seen this complaint from dads, it's usually because Dad sees his visitation/custody time as something he "owns" and his right to control his child during that time. He doesn't see the time as an opportunity to be part of his kid's life.

A couple years ago there was a several page thread where a Dad was mad that his daughter was on a dance team, and the team practiced on friday nights (he had every other weekend, including friday nights.)
He didn't think his daughter should go to dance rehersal on "his" time. Instead of seeing thisn (bringing her to rehersal) as an opportunity to be part of something she loved he saw it as his ex trying to keep him from having exclusive access to his daughter during "his" time.
Some Dad's feel if their kid happens to have any hobbies, sports, time with friends, etc. on "his" time, it's some devious plot on the part of the mom to "alienate" dad.

This exactly. They think the kids life should revolve around the parents schedule not vice versa. Whole world should pause just because Elvis deigns to show up.

Ditto for phone calls. Agreement says he can call every night at 7pm. He never does and yet mom takes flack for not having junior call. It’s always someone else’s job to make it convenient for him.

And, what if he calls every night and mom refuses to let him talk to the kids? If mom chooses the visitation schedule she needs to follow it. Not change it on whim and expect dad to cater to her whims.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Custody agreements are unenforceable. What are you going to do, sedate the child to transport them if they refuse to go see the other parent? Physically grab them?

As a parent you enforce the schedule just like you do school and homework.

If the kid doesn't want to do that in HS you're not really enforcing crap. You set the foundation a lot earlier and then hope and pray their mental health sustains them through HS and adulthood, but you're not really enforcing much in HS, especially last two years.

I am most certainly never keeping my ex from seeing my son. If it ever came to him not wanting to see his dad, I'm not risking my relationship with my son to make sure he has visitation with his dad. Come get your son and make him if you think you can. If he doesn't want to see his dad, there is a good reason, and I'm most certainly not it.

Besides, I've done ALL of the raising (meals, washing, clearing, comforting, staying up at night when DS is sick, therapy, drs appts) and if you can't even get along with your child during your every other weekend "fun time" I got nothing for you.

[Anonymous]

Lol at an every-other-weekend dad who thinks mom should oversee their child’s schooling, childcare, homework, activities, doctors appointments, any extras like therapies or medication management, plus teaching manners and life skills and instilling values and being the disciplinarian for 26 days out of every month, caring for the child the vast majority of times the child is over-tired or hangry or sick, but God forbid dad doesn’t get 4 days of unencumbered free time with the kid each month to do as he pleases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at an every-other-weekend dad who thinks mom should oversee their child’s schooling, childcare, homework, activities, doctors appointments, any extras like therapies or medication management, plus teaching manners and life skills and instilling values and being the disciplinarian for 26 days out of every month, caring for the child the vast majority of times the child is over-tired or hangry or sick, but God forbid dad doesn’t get 4 days of unencumbered free time with the kid each month to do as he pleases.

Yeah, these are “Disney Dads.” They just want to do fun stuff and none of the actual work of parenting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Also there should be retroactive fines to Mom for stalling custody/visitation if the kid is 17 and she refuses to take him to see Dad.

No there shouldn't because often times it's the child choosing not to go.

Kids do what their parents want. If mom does not want them to have a relationship they will agree to that as they don’t want her taking it out on them. Stop making kids choose. They should not have to choose. They need relationships with both parents.

Not always true, people assumed the same thing when i refused to go to my dad's but in reality my mom tried as hard as she could to get me to go, she even tried
grounding me for the duration of the scheduled visit if i didn't go.

Ok, you were a spoiled brat and mom should have done more to not have that happen.

She did everything she possibly could to get me to go and even the judge thought so, and I'm not a spoiled brat just because I chose to stand up for myself on that one issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Also there should be retroactive fines to Mom for stalling custody/visitation if the kid is 17 and she refuses to take him to see Dad.

No there shouldn't because often times it's the child choosing not to go.

Kids do what their parents want. If mom does not want them to have a relationship they will agree to that as they don’t want her taking it out on them. Stop making kids choose. They should not have to choose. They need relationships with both parents.

Not always true, people assumed the same thing when i refused to go to my dad's but in reality my mom tried as hard as she could to get me to go, she even tried
grounding me for the duration of the scheduled visit if i didn't go.

Ok, you were a spoiled brat and mom should have done more to not have that happen.

She did everything she possibly could to get me to go and even the judge thought so, and I'm not a spoiled brat just because I chose to stand up for myself on that one issue.

Of course. Dont worry about convincing this deadbeat. He will always find a way to blame someone else for his shortcomings. It's a way to appease a guilty conscience on his part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I see it with my boyfriend, he tries to call the kids, they don't answer, he texts his XW, she doesn't respond or have kids call, rinse and repeat.

Does the custody arrangement specify phone calls? Because it's not really mom's job to make the kids call their dad. It's the dad's job to use his parenting time to build a strong enough relationship that the kids want to talk to him. Plenty of dads manage to do it.

Yes, they have it in their agreement to allow one call a day at a reasonable time.

Allow does not equal force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Custody agreements are unenforceable. What are you going to do, sedate the child to transport them if they refuse to go see the other parent? Physically grab them?

As a parent you enforce the schedule just like you do school and homework.

If you get to high school, and your relationship with your kids is such that you think someone needs to force them to see you, you've done the whole parenting thing wrong.

Not forcing a child is not alienation.