Why doesn't my wife like me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

Not everyone has to be an extrovert. We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike. He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties. Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication. I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him. I would never tell him to put the book away. I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends. This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish. No kid needs or wants that. Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior? Gross. Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother. She is insecure and lashing out at him. Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know. I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

Not everyone has to be an extrovert. We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike. He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties. Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication. I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him. I would never tell him to put the book away. I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends. This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish. No kid needs or wants that. Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior? Gross. Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother. She is insecure and lashing out at him. Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know. I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.

I'm not saying he needs to be an extrovert or to be medicated. I'm saying "stand up for yourself you're happy as-is and also make millions of dollars" is completely antithetical to everything he's said in this thread. He's not happy, he's anxious and nervous and gets angry in group settings. I think it would be 100% fine for him to stay home, but it's not fine for him to coach his kids to use the coping mechanisms that are not working for him. But "rah rah you're a millionaire iconoclast" is just a complete fabrication. He's not happy, in his own words. There's no indication that she's insecure *or* lashing out at him. I see you've now added "she doesn't work" to your fantasy about this guy's life based on nothing. Bizarre.

The social capital thing is a thing he said once back when he was just calling her mean and himself nerdy. It's never been substantiated in any of his examples, which all showed her giving 100% reasonable feedback like "don't whip out a Rubik's cube when someone is talking to you," and him being both incredibly uncomfortable and off-putting in social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

Not everyone has to be an extrovert. We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike. He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties. Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication. I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him. I would never tell him to put the book away. I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends. This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish. No kid needs or wants that. Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior? Gross. Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother. She is insecure and lashing out at him. Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know. I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.

I'm not saying he needs to be an extrovert or to be medicated. I'm saying "stand up for yourself you're happy as-is and also make millions of dollars" is completely antithetical to everything he's said in this thread. He's not happy, he's anxious and nervous and gets angry in group settings. I think it would be 100% fine for him to stay home, but it's not fine for him to coach his kids to use the coping mechanisms that are not working for him. But "rah rah you're a millionaire iconoclast" is just a complete fabrication. He's not happy, in his own words. There's no indication that she's insecure *or* lashing out at him. I see you've now added "she doesn't work" to your fantasy about this guy's life based on nothing. Bizarre.

The social capital thing is a thing he said once back when he was just calling her mean and himself nerdy. It's never been substantiated in any of his examples, which all showed her giving 100% reasonable feedback like "don't whip out a Rubik's cube when someone is talking to you," and him being both incredibly uncomfortable and off-putting in social situations.

I don’t care if he’s a millionaire, that’s your narrative. My spouse and I make about the same, equiv gs 14, he doesn’t have to earn more to make up for being an introvert or nerdy. My being an extrovert doesn’t make me more valuable. He explained he uses the Rubik’s cube in the corner to get a break from the party. Totally normal. I walk up to people like that and ask them about it. To be offended by that is unreasonable. Probably why I like my spouse. I don’t know why she’s insecure but her being embarrassed and controlling of his behavior is absolutely her own insecurity. If a dh was doing that to his shy wife we would be screaming abuse. He’s happy in his job and his games and laying with his kids, he’s unhappy that his wife is not nice to him. He doesn’t need medication to fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

Not everyone has to be an extrovert. We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike. He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties. Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication. I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him. I would never tell him to put the book away. I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends. This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish. No kid needs or wants that. Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior? Gross. Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother. She is insecure and lashing out at him. Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know. I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.

I don’t see any indication that she is lashing out at him. He has said multiple times that she is a nice, well meaning person.
I also don’t see any indication that the social anxiety thing is the reason she doesn’t want to talk with him. She has pointed out that he acts odd at parties, and she is upset with him about something. I very much doubt those two things are related.
It’s like if a man didn’t want to have sex with his wife AND he doesn’t like her best friend. Those two things can both be true, but they are probably not related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

Not everyone has to be an extrovert. We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike. He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties. Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication. I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him. I would never tell him to put the book away. I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends. This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish. No kid needs or wants that. Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior? Gross. Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother. She is insecure and lashing out at him. Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know. I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.

I'm not saying he needs to be an extrovert or to be medicated. I'm saying "stand up for yourself you're happy as-is and also make millions of dollars" is completely antithetical to everything he's said in this thread. He's not happy, he's anxious and nervous and gets angry in group settings. I think it would be 100% fine for him to stay home, but it's not fine for him to coach his kids to use the coping mechanisms that are not working for him. But "rah rah you're a millionaire iconoclast" is just a complete fabrication. He's not happy, in his own words. There's no indication that she's insecure *or* lashing out at him. I see you've now added "she doesn't work" to your fantasy about this guy's life based on nothing. Bizarre.

The social capital thing is a thing he said once back when he was just calling her mean and himself nerdy. It's never been substantiated in any of his examples, which all showed her giving 100% reasonable feedback like "don't whip out a Rubik's cube when someone is talking to you," and him being both incredibly uncomfortable and off-putting in social situations.

I don’t care if he’s a millionaire, that’s your narrative. My spouse and I make about the same, equiv gs 14, he doesn’t have to earn more to make up for being an introvert or nerdy. My being an extrovert doesn’t make me more valuable. He explained he uses the Rubik’s cube in the corner to get a break from the party. Totally normal. I walk up to people like that and ask them about it. To be offended by that is unreasonable. Probably why I like my spouse. I don’t know why she’s insecure but her being embarrassed and controlling of his behavior is absolutely her own insecurity. If a dh was doing that to his shy wife we would be screaming abuse. He’s happy in his job and his games and laying with his kids, he’s unhappy that his wife is not nice to him. He doesn’t need medication to fix that.

No, the "he's making big bucks" narrative is 100% yours, as bolded upthread. You literally told him to throw his 'big salary' in her face, based on nothing. You seem to be very angry at the imaginary wife you made up that's lashing out at OP (didn't happen) and doesn't see he's not happy (he's not, in his own words), and doesn't work (you made that up). I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. This is not OP's problem, he has social anxiety. Introversion and social anxiety are not synonyms, try as you might. Stay mad if it gets you through the day but I'm not going to continue arguing with your imaginary set of facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

I don't understand where you got this from. He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode. He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios. Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.

Not everyone has to be an extrovert. We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike. He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties. Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication. I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him. I would never tell him to put the book away. I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends. This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish. No kid needs or wants that. Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior? Gross. Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother. She is insecure and lashing out at him. Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know. I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.

I'm not saying he needs to be an extrovert or to be medicated. I'm saying "stand up for yourself you're happy as-is and also make millions of dollars" is completely antithetical to everything he's said in this thread. He's not happy, he's anxious and nervous and gets angry in group settings. I think it would be 100% fine for him to stay home, but it's not fine for him to coach his kids to use the coping mechanisms that are not working for him. But "rah rah you're a millionaire iconoclast" is just a complete fabrication. He's not happy, in his own words. There's no indication that she's insecure *or* lashing out at him. I see you've now added "she doesn't work" to your fantasy about this guy's life based on nothing. Bizarre.

The social capital thing is a thing he said once back when he was just calling her mean and himself nerdy. It's never been substantiated in any of his examples, which all showed her giving 100% reasonable feedback like "don't whip out a Rubik's cube when someone is talking to you," and him being both incredibly uncomfortable and off-putting in social situations.

I don’t care if he’s a millionaire, that’s your narrative. My spouse and I make about the same, equiv gs 14, he doesn’t have to earn more to make up for being an introvert or nerdy. My being an extrovert doesn’t make me more valuable. He explained he uses the Rubik’s cube in the corner to get a break from the party. Totally normal. I walk up to people like that and ask them about it. To be offended by that is unreasonable. Probably why I like my spouse. I don’t know why she’s insecure but her being embarrassed and controlling of his behavior is absolutely her own insecurity. If a dh was doing that to his shy wife we would be screaming abuse. He’s happy in his job and his games and laying with his kids, he’s unhappy that his wife is not nice to him. He doesn’t need medication to fix that.

No, the "he's making big bucks" narrative is 100% yours, as bolded upthread. You literally told him to throw his 'big salary' in her face, based on nothing. You seem to be very angry at the imaginary wife you made up that's lashing out at OP (didn't happen) and doesn't see he's not happy (he's not, in his own words), and doesn't work (you made that up). I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. This is not OP's problem, he has social anxiety. Introversion and social anxiety are not synonyms, try as you might. Stay mad if it gets you through the day but I'm not going to continue arguing with your imaginary set of facts.

I’m not mad, friend. I’m sad that society has made you feel you need to regulate yourself and others so severely to fit in. I hope you are not punishing your kids too for being different. Peace and healing to your childhood traumas.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get any of this. Where are you that a married couple with kids whose hobbies include sudoku and reading the Bible are going to all of these parties? I think my husband and I are a pretty normal couple, and we go to like five parties a year.
Also, what is it that your wife is mad about? Why doesn’t she want to talk to you? Or is this all projection, and really you are mad at her for taking away your toys at a party six months ago? That would kind of jive with you making up and playing this word game in front of her when you know she doesn’t like it.
Or did something else happen that she is mad at you about, and you aren’t sharing what it is?

Also, why aren’t you doing normal things to woo her? Like taking her on dates or buying her flowers or telling her that she’s beautiful? Why are you doing odd things like reading the Old Testament? I mean, maybe that might work for 1 in 10,000 women. Instead of hoping your wife is the outlier, why not try the stuff that works for 90% of women?

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, you went to work! And made it home without even crashing the car! So amazing! You look great in those khakis and that button up shirt! That you put on all by yourself! You're soooo good at sudoku!

There ya go OP. Now, give your wife a break.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to hear more about this word game OP came up with that he finds more pleasant to play than Scrabble. I think it would give us some insight into their situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication. I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme. A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else. I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.

My dh is like this. Sometimes I am embarrassed by him. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend. But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way. Well, op, all I can say is you should stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy. Then just let it go. Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like. My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.

+1

Same here - agree with this statement. My DH is attached to a stupid cell phone game, but I don't call it that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Develop a new hobby that's somewhat masculine, like woodworking. Also, begin volunteering at a soup kitchen. You want respect, not neediness

I have a lot of masculine hobbies that I don't have time for because of kids - I play sports and do ligh home repair. But those are not what I do for fun, more things that I do for necessity, if the boys are doing it or if sheet rock needs repair. What I do for fun is sudokus. But wifey doesn't like that.

Sudoku is solitary; Scrabble is social. She is probably craving social interaction that you cannot give her that she was able to get herself before kids. What was your lives like before children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear more about this word game OP came up with that he finds more pleasant to play than Scrabble. I think it would give us some insight into their situation.

OP has never actually played Scrabble with his wife or seen her play it with anyone else. He thinks she likes it because she mentioned liking it when they were dating.