Reply to Why doesn't my wife like me?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and [b]create another dependency [/b]and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated. [/quote]

What does this mean?  [/quote]

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad. 
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me. [/quote]

Wow, if this is real, you probably need therapy and medication.  I also have terrible social anxiety but this is extreme.  A good therapist can teach you techniques to cope that won't be so off putting for everyone else.  I also really dislike when people claim to be "nerdy" but really they are just socially awkward and want an excuse do obnoxious things like bring fidget spinners to parties.[/quote]

My dh is like this.  Sometimes I am embarrassed by him.  Sometimes I feel the need to let him know that his behavior is off putting or giving off a vibe he doesn’t intend.  But for the most part I admire that he is not affected by peer pressure and goes his own way.  Well, op, all I can say is you should[b] stand up for yourself and remind her that you are non-conformist and that’s what makes you great in your field and allows you to bring home s big salary she gets to enjoy.[/b]  Then just let it go.  Also find a hobby group or friends who are interested in hearing about the things you like.  My spouse and I don’t depend on eachother for that you need to broaden your support base. Good luck.  [/quote]

I don't understand where you got this from.  He's not a non-conformist, failing to conform makes him angry, nervous, and apparently miserable.

[quote]I try and be social, but[b] I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave,[/b] I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude. . . . I am not observant of my own behavior, [b]I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings.[/b][/quote]

I don't see the benefit of pretending he's happy and she's trying to break him down to fit into a societal mode.  He's anxious, nervous, and upset in these scenarios.  Standing up for the right to "be yourself" when your social anxiety is bringing you misery feels very catchphrase with no meaning.

He also said she wants him to get a better job so this "big salary" line seems to be pulled out of your ear.[/quote]

Not everyone has to be an extrovert.  We don’t need to medicate everyone so they behave exactly alike.  He uses a rubiks cube and fidget spinners to help him cope with parties.  Any therapist would be thrilled with that coping strategy over resorting to medication.  I am an extrovert, my dh is an introvert.   I know he gets drained at parties and keep an eye out for him.  I would never tell him to put the book away.  I say, hey, is this too much? Do you want to leave? If he’s fine we stay and maybe he has one on one chats with a couple close friends.  This “social capital” nonsense for the sake of her kids is rubbish.  No kid needs or wants that.  Imagine if one of her kids is an introvert and she punished him for that behavior?  Gross.  Marriage is built on mutual respect and helping eachother.  She is insecure and lashing out at him.  Maybe she needs a job that will help her feel more fulfilled I don’t know.  I would ask her to get therapy and build up support of family and friend groups, and keep being a great game inventing dad.  [/quote]

I'm not saying he needs to be an extrovert or to be medicated.  I'm saying "stand up for yourself you're happy as-is and also make millions of dollars" is completely antithetical to everything he's said in this thread.  He's not happy, he's anxious and nervous and gets angry in group settings.  I think it would be 100% fine for him to stay home, but it's not fine for him to coach his kids to use the coping mechanisms that are not working for him.  But "rah rah you're a millionaire iconoclast" is just a complete fabrication.  He's not happy, in his own words.  There's no indication that she's insecure *or* lashing out at him.  I see you've now added "she doesn't work" to your fantasy about this guy's life based on nothing.  Bizarre.

The social capital thing is a thing he said once back when he was just calling her mean and himself nerdy.  It's never been substantiated in any of his examples, which all showed her giving 100% reasonable feedback like "don't whip out a Rubik's cube when someone is talking to you," and him being both incredibly uncomfortable and off-putting in social situations.[/quote]

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