My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off.

[Anonymous]

I mean to state the obvious, wife has clear maturity issues, seems to want to pretend this is a first husband/first family situation instead of facing reality that theirs is a blended family with different strokes for different folks. OP she is pretty lucky to have found you as you sound mighty level-headed.

[Anonymous]

Serious question. Why did you marry that petty immature psycho, with an inordinate amount of baggage, in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. Why did you marry that petty immature psycho, with an inordinate amount of baggage, in the first place?

There’s no such thing as too much baggage, only people who can’t navigate it. You have to match your baggage to the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhmm…of course you are a father figure to your three teenage stepdaughters who live with you half of the time. That’s not a thing that you can just opt out of. You are just a cold and distant father who doesn’t like them very much.

Best case scenario, they realize this relationship between you and their mother is terrible, they don’t like you, and they don’t come around.
More likely, though, they will grow up thinking this is how they deserve to be treated and that it’s reasonable for important men in their lives to be kind of distant and unempathic and not really love them or take care of them. 100 bucks says that at least one of them cuts.

If you really took the time to understand where your wife was coming from, and you otherwise treated her and your stepdaughters with love and kindness, then the fact that your brother didn’t take them on vacation wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s only a big deal because you don’t love them, don’t really even care to try, and this is an obvious proxy for that.

No. Best case scenario they direct their paternal expectations at their actual father. And their step father continues to reinforce appropriate boundaries. He is not there to paper over their own father’s shortcomings. Let their dad pay for a trip to Dubai and take them there if that is what they want. It’s not up *their step father’s brother* for Pete’s sake.

I didn’t say that he should take them to Dubai. I said that he should treat them with love and kindness rather than actively disliking them. There are other ways to do that.
DH just took one of our kids scuba diving and not the others, and it was fine. In normal families where people love and care about each other, it doesn’t matter. The only reason the trip matters is that these girls have to spend half their life living with this guy who kind of hates them and doesn’t really hide it.

And you can say that he isn’t a father figure, but he is. He is the man that lives in the house with their mother. Even if he wasn’t married to her and was the kids’ uncle or their grandpa or whatever, he would still be a father figure. And if he privately disliked them and joked with other people about what brats they were, it would matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy and unbelievable. I don't blame anyone for thinking that. Here is the thing my wife and I have been together for 7 years. This is not some brief relationship where I lost my head and rushed into marriage. In hindsight I guess we should have waited longer to combine households. This was never an issue before we got married. My daughter likes her stepmom and she has so little interaction with my stepkids it never crossed my mind this would be an issue. You guys are kind of scaring me with all the divorce talk. I said the marriage was doomed out of frustration not because I actually want a divorce. I know I need to talk to my brother about what he said about not liking the kids but I can't defend my wife and her actions. As for paying for college my daughter has a 529 college savings account which is fully funded. My wife and her ex husband are responsible for paying for their kids college and unfortunately they will have to take out loans. This was discussed before we got married and it was agreed we are responsible for taking care of our own kids. We keep finances separate. As far as vacations go my daughter will always be invited. I guess seeing a therapist is the answer.

Why don’t you want a divorce? You made your wife and stepdaughters sound completely insane. I keep picturing your daughter like some kind of poor Cinderella having to tolerate the evil stepmother and stepsisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP may be a troll, but the people in this thread are so juvenile, vulgar, and classless. True gutter Jerry Springer audience members of the soul. That response was *way* out of line when speaking to any man’s wife, let alone his own brother’s wife.

She contacted him first and made a rude demand. She got back what she was dishing out. Who did she think she was to contact him and talk to him that way?

She “texted him and asked him why he never took her kids anywhere that it was not fair.” That may be whiny, but it’s not rude and it’s definitely not disrespectful. What the brother said was.

Do we teach our children to speak to others that way? Of course not, but because OP’s wife is allegedly some horrible woman who should be divorced immediately and she deserves to get put in her place? GMAFB. Vile.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds like my exDH new wife, she also has 3 kids. OMG. My ILs love taking THEIR ONLY GRANDSON on vacations with them. She throws such a fit every time she hears about any vacation. ILs are polite to her but they made a point of saying "we are nice to your kids but they are not our grandkids".

Your wife needs to grow up or find other people to mooch off.

[Anonymous]

As a mother I'd never send my teenage daughters on a trip with an unrelated adult man I barely know. Sorry, that just struck me for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (42m) have been married to my wife (39f) for 6 months. I have a daughter (17) and she has 3 daughters aged (14, 16 & 18). My daughter has a car and comes and goes between my house and her moms as she pleases. My wifes kids live with us 50% of the time. I am not a father figure to my wifes kids and she is not a mother figure to my daughter. I am their friend and they call me by my first name. I have a good relationship with them and my daughter and wife get along for the most part. My daughter does not get along with her step siblings but has her own room and is hardly ever home so they don't cross paths very often. She usually stays over when they are with their dad.

I have a brother (40m) and SIL (40f) and are child free. They don’t like kids but my daughter is the exception. They spend quite a bit of time with her and they have taken her on trips all over the world. She has been traveling with them since she was 5. Some of these trips last 4-6 weeks during the summer. My ex wife and I miss her like crazy but there is no way we would deprive her of these life changing experiences.

My wife and I were together for a few years before we got married so she was familiar with these trips and how my brother feels about kids. He gets her kids nice gifts for Christmas but has made no effort to get to know them beyond pleasantries and has no plans to take it beyond that.

After we got married my wife started to tell me it was not right that my daughter would go on these exotic trips and her kids were not included. I tried to shut this down right away and reminded her that she has known about these trips for years and my brother is under no obligation to take her kids. I also warned her not to bring this up to him directly because he would hurt her feelings. I tried to be as kind as possible but I told her this was not even a topic for discussion. I was not going to alienate my kid so her daughters would not be jealous. We had that conversation last November. I thought this topic had been dropped but it reared it’s ugly head again.

My SIL messaged me and my ex wife some dates for two trips they in the process of planning. One of the places they are going is to Dubai.

When my step daughters found out about Dubai there was a total meltdown. I’m not talking about just crying but whaling. The 18 year old threw an old fashion temper tantrum. She is on instagram and is trying to grow her page and I guess Dubai is popular place for influencers on Instagram.. My wife was so upset and kept going see see see. What did she want me to do??. She said either my brother take all of them or none of them. I said that was not happening. It was a very intense argument and I flat out told her my brother does not care about her kids like that. Even if I told him my daughter could not go he would never travel with them. My daughter is going end of story and they are going to have to accept it.

I thought that was it but my wife went behind my back and confronted my brother and texted him and asked him why he never took her kids anywhere that it was not fair. He replied “I don’t like your kids and I don’t like you either. Don’t message me again with your bullshit.” She asked me what I was going to do about it. I said nothing. She was acting more entitled than her daughters and embarrassed me.

Now my wife is furious I did not defend her honor and “allowed” my brother to disrespect her and her kids. I warned her last November that my brother would hurt her feelings and that is exactly what happened. I can’t control him. This is causing some real issues though. I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom for the last week. I feel like this marriage is doomed. Any advice?

For context, how does your family identify culturally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother I'd never send my teenage daughters on a trip with an unrelated adult man I barely know. Sorry, that just struck me for some reason.

But she can post on Instagram.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy and unbelievable. I don't blame anyone for thinking that. Here is the thing my wife and I have been together for 7 years. This is not some brief relationship where I lost my head and rushed into marriage. In hindsight I guess we should have waited longer to combine households. This was never an issue before we got married. My daughter likes her stepmom and she has so little interaction with my stepkids it never crossed my mind this would be an issue. You guys are kind of scaring me with all the divorce talk. I said the marriage was doomed out of frustration not because I actually want a divorce. I know I need to talk to my brother about what he said about not liking the kids but I can't defend my wife and her actions. As for paying for college my daughter has a 529 college savings account which is fully funded. My wife and her ex husband are responsible for paying for their kids college and unfortunately they will have to take out loans. This was discussed before we got married and it was agreed we are responsible for taking care of our own kids. We keep finances separate. As far as vacations go my daughter will always be invited. I guess seeing a therapist is the answer.

Why don’t you want a divorce? You made your wife and stepdaughters sound completely insane. I keep picturing your daughter like some kind of poor Cinderella having to tolerate the evil stepmother and stepsisters.

She is and aunt & uncle are the fairy godmother.

[Anonymous]

I mean your brother could’ve used nicer words, but she would’ve been equally upset. Your brother set a clear boundary with her. That was appropriate. Also, your brother has no relation to her children so from another perspective what if something happened and there was an emergency? Does your brother really want responsibility for children that he doesn’t know that well??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother I'd never send my teenage daughters on a trip with an unrelated adult man I barely know. Sorry, that just struck me for some reason.

But she can post on Instagram.

#YOLO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP may be a troll, but the people in this thread are so juvenile, vulgar, and classless. True gutter Jerry Springer audience members of the soul. That response was *way* out of line when speaking to any man’s wife, let alone his own brother’s wife.

She contacted him first and made a rude demand. She got back what she was dishing out. Who did she think she was to contact him and talk to him that way?

She “texted him and asked him why he never took her kids anywhere that it was not fair.” That may be whiny, but it’s not rude and it’s definitely not disrespectful. What the brother said was.

Do we teach our children to speak to others that way? Of course not, but because OP’s wife is allegedly some horrible woman who should be divorced immediately and she deserves to get put in her place? GMAFB. Vile.

I’m not the person you’re responding to, but come on. Of course it’s super rude to contact a random person (absolutely nobody to you, by blood or marriage) and demand that they spend tens of thousands of dollars on your kids taking them on vacations just because they feel entitled to it because they need to watch another kid get it. Nobody normal does that. The brother got annoyed and understandably so. Honestly she’s lucky he didn’t just tell her to F off. I’m sure he had to hold that back and feels like he did a pretty good job restraining himself!

[Anonymous]

Did op's new wife have her first kid at 21yo? That might explain the immaturity.

In any case OP, I'm sure she will get over it- just give it a couple of more days.
A mom with 3 teens is not a hot commodity in the dating market so I don't think you need to worry about her looking elsewhere