Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years.

I don’t think so. I grew up in Northern Virginia and my parents never had any friends, other than coworkers who lived far, far away and they never got together with outside work. They both grew up in tight knit communities where everyone knew everyone. They each had close friends in high school and college. But they lived in the DC area for almost 25 years and never really made friends there. They’re retired now, left the area and they have friends now in their 70s. There’s something about the DC rat race.

Your parents sound very insular. It does not matter that their coworkers lived far away, did they not have neighbors that they could be friends with? Imagine being somewhere for 25 years and not making friends. It is chilling to me.

I am a non-White, non-Christian immigrant who loves DMV. I have made friends from all races. My own parents were very social and I grew up learning how to be a good host and good guest. They taught us how to make friends and nurture friendships. I wanted to replicate that same environment of a bustling household for my kids.

Do you have friends or are you following in the footsteps of your parents too?

Maybe they were a little insular, I don’t know. I think, looking back, it was mostly that their jobs, both with long commutes, took so much of their energy that they didn’t have anything left for social interaction when they were back in our neighborhood. Our street wasn’t particularly social. Pretty much all the adults worked, pulled in their garages at the end of a long day and you hardly saw them. I imagine they maybe could have made friends if they had made more of an effort, but I mentioned the DC rat race because I think there are lots of double income couples who have little energy left for a social life in such a work oriented area.

I settled a few hours from DC in a much more laid back area. I’m happy to say I have close friends. No one commutes very far in my area, if at all anymore, and our neighborhood is known as a social one, so neighbors are out chatting all the time. Very few houses have garages so you can’t really just pull in and hide. There’s a sense of community here that just didn’t exist in my particular corner of the NoVa burbs growing up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a few things

-some amount of cognitive distortion, so you've gotten to a point that many of us would think of as making good progress toward solid friendships but you feel like it's not enough, people aren't giving you what you want so you pull back and you lose the nascent friendship

-if you husband is happy without friends and finds it difficult to connect in ways that feeling interesting to him, he may be holding you both back socially

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a few things

-some amount of cognitive distortion, so you've gotten to a point that many of us would think of as making good progress toward solid friendships but you feel like it's not enough, people aren't giving you what you want so you pull back and you lose the nascent friendship

-if you husband is happy without friends and finds it difficult to connect in ways that feeling interesting to him, he may be holding you both back socially

I don’t think this is too much of an issue with OP. She seems to be looking for girlfriends not couple friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on DCUM always say it’s so hard to make friends in DC but I strongly disagree. I work, have small kids and am also extremely socially awkward but I have had no problem making friends in each phase of life so far, and keeping friends, too. There must be something you aren’t picking up on OP.

I have found that it is definitely possible to have friends but it definitely takes effort and it's hard when people are just busy. You have to make the effort to invite and schedule things. I feel like I do a lot more of the inviting and planning but I just try not to take it too personally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you white?

I'd like to know this too - I am not white (although my husband is), and I definitely have a harder time making and keeping friends with the white families at my kids' schools.

NP - agree. We are POCs and also have trouble making beyond acquaintance-level friendships in my mostly white UMC neighborhood. Maybe OP is in the same boat?

Same here. If not for some lucky circumstances, I would be as friendless as OP.

I also hate that people are going the typical route of blaming the OP. In modern society it is hard to make friends. Between work and commute and kids’ activities, people are so time-poor that they have trouble even attending social gatherings, let alone organizing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are both 40 and have been married for 15 years. We have two young kids. We both work-full time and are very successful at our jobs. We have a lot of qualities that make us good friends and are drama-free. Despite this, both of us have struggled to make friends during our entire marriage.

The issue is that my husband has no friends at all and I have one friend and a few acquaintances. Now granted my husband puts very little time and effort into making new friends, but he has been at the same job for 15 years and is well-liked, but has zero co-worker friends. He is very respected professionally at his job but has failed miserably trying to make friends. In fact he often experiences co-workers purposely excluding him, inviting everyone in the office to events/parties except him, and inviting each other out in front of him and excluding him.

I have also failed miserably in trying to make friends. I have been trying to make friends for over a decade, and when my kids were little I joined lots of moms groups. As they aged out of mom groups/playgroups I tried to make friends at preschool and through their activities. I made some acquaintances at preschool but no real friends. I never really had a "mom group." When they started elementary school I volunteered at school, was the room parent, and tried to meet other moms. I always felt like I never fit in. Now my kids are in 3rd and 4th grades and I still don't really have any mom friends.

Then we tried to make friends outside of kids' school/activities/work. My husband has played on a mens' rec sports league for 10 years and has made zero friends that way. I took lots of yoga and knitting classes and even started a neighborhood book club. I never met anyone who wanted to be my friend that way.

We have no couple friends and no family friends. No one ever invites us to do anything. The last time we were invited to do anything as a family with another family was probably 4 years ago. We receive very few holiday cards (though we send many) and no one has ever invited us to any kind of party.

We are not from here but we've lived here for over a decade already.

Why do both my husband and I have such difficulty connecting with others? What are we doing wrong and how can we start making friends? We are not socially awkward, are good listeners. We both had lots of friends in college and grad school but it's been a challenge since then.

Where are you from?

[Anonymous]

I have not read the many pages of posts here but did want to agree with the idea that being dry is an issue. I have been sober for years and definitely noticed people almost actively avoid me. I don’t make a big deal of it AT ALL and am not judgey about it. But people feel judged anyway! I think it’s their own guilt and shame around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the many pages of posts here but did want to agree with the idea that being dry is an issue. I have been sober for years and definitely noticed people almost actively avoid me. I don’t make a big deal of it AT ALL and am not judgey about it. But people feel judged anyway! I think it’s their own guilt and shame around it.

+1 they want to plan parties around drinking which is not interesting to a dry person. What fun is it to watch other people get pie-eyed or slapstick silly when they are drunk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a few things

-some amount of cognitive distortion, so you've gotten to a point that many of us would think of as making good progress toward solid friendships but you feel like it's not enough, people aren't giving you what you want so you pull back and you lose the nascent friendship

-if you husband is happy without friends and finds it difficult to connect in ways that feeling interesting to him, he may be holding you both back socially

Ding ding, this is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren’t socially awkward? I have a coworker who is fat, ugly, and incredibly loud and abrasive. No one wants them around and I see them floundering around at social events, completely oblivious. Are you truly sure there isn’t something about you two that is putting people off?

Your privilege is astounding. You think your coworker WANTS to be like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your responses, they are very helpful.

My husband is a very chatty, highly emotionally intelligent, thoughtful guy. However he doesn't drink and in general he does not connect with men easily because he doesn't have traditionally male interests. He is in a very high-powered job where he is very respected professionally. And he loves his job (but it's rare to find another guy who is in a similar field). But outside of work he doesn't drink, doesn't like beer, cars, exercise, or sports. So he doesn't have a lot to talk to men about. He has never watched a sports game and has no interest in cars. He does like home improvement however. He often complains that when he talks to other dad at the kids' sports that he has nothing much to contribute to the conversation or complains that the other dads don't ask him questions about himself, because he feels like he shows a lot of interest and asks them questions.


As for me, I am also a great conversationalist and highly emotionally intelligent. I also do have traditionally female interests and I feel that I connect easily with other ladies. I have started social groups (like the neighborhood book club), joined church committees, and taken fun classes (yoga) in the years since we moved here. I invite people all the time to meet up--at least 3-4 times per month. I'd say they accept about half the time. When we do meet up for coffee usually, I usually have one "first date" with these new potential friends and then I don't hear from them again. However if I reach out to them they will meet up a second time. That's the pattern I usually find--people are fine with hanging out with me if I put in all the effort and arrange something, but no one invites me or him to do anything, and never invites us as a family to do anything.

I don't think there's anything specific about us that turns people off. We're both trim and fit, normal weight, don't smell, and have good personal hygiene.

Pre-Covid we entertained a ton. We always had an annual Halloween party, 4th of July BBQ, etc. But we stopped doing all that when Covid started and it made us realize that it was a ton of work and no one ever reciprocated, so we haven't gotten back into it.

We do have family but none of them are local and the closest family is a 10 hour drive. We are not very close with our families but that's not our choice, it's theirs.

For our wedding, we ended up eloping because DH didn't want to invite his family (very dysfunctional) and my family didn't care about coming to a wedding and encouraged us to elope. DH had no friends he wanted to invite and my college/grad school friends were all over and I didn't feel that they needed to be at our wedding. I still keep in touch with them occasionally by email/text, but I only see them at reunions and they don't live far away in other states.

When we first moved to the area, we were in our 20s, didn't know a single person here, and were the only married couple when we joined 20's meetup type groups, so people weren't that interested in getting to know us. We never made any friends. Then when we bought a SFH house, we were the only DINKs in our neighborhood full of families, and people weren't that interested in getting to know us, so we didn't make any friends in the neighborhood (and are still in the same neighborhood and stil have no friends). Then we had kids and I did have more success joining mom groups and making some mom acquaintanes, but these friendships didn't last when everyone went to preschool. Then we made acquaintances in preschool, but once preschool was over, those relationships didn't last as people went to different Kindergartens. Now I'm finding it very difficult to find mom friends in elementary school.

OP you used this phrase for yourself and your husband. What does it mean, in your view? IMO it's an odd way for someone to describe themselves. I sometimes use it to describe others, like "high EQ"

[Anonymous]

Some of this came up in the other thread about why people want victims to just "get over it" and not cause awkwardness. OP what do you do for other people and their families? As someone asked whether you are "intense", think hard about that. In the best colleges you get really two sorts of people. You get most who have done great in high school and are cool people and come from excellent families and have built excellent records and know how to socialize and they go to their highly selective institution, find their people and fit in brilliantly. They do so because they know what it means to be successful, they know how to talk to people and how to be low-key and relaxed and not make things weird or awkward.

Then you get the strivers. The dishwasher's kid on Pell grants, the scholarship kid from the inner city, the farm kid from the sticks who has never distinguished between a dinner and salad fork in his life. If you're hot or a good athlete you'll be OK, people from the first group will take you under their wing and let your looks or sports skills carry you while you figure out how to behave.

But if not, if you're just intense and determined and a striver and all that, you're just going to turn people off. You won't know that you're being judged in every class session, cafeteria meal and trip to the library. You won't know that your JC Penney jeans and your parents flannel shirts pegged you as a loser the moment you walked onto campus. You won't realize that no, your whole family doesn't need to bring you to your first day in college. You won't realize that no, you don't go standing up for someone just because they've been "mistreated" or "bullied" because that can boomerang onto YOU. You're too intense, you don't act like you've been there, you think every stupid conversation or moral choice matters.

So who are you? Are you the person who would make a scene, push some cause just because it's "right"? Why do you want to make people think you're somehow better than them? Why do you think it matters? Just chill already and smoke a joint or have a drink. Be fun. Don't tell us about children in Africa. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a few things

-some amount of cognitive distortion, so you've gotten to a point that many of us would think of as making good progress toward solid friendships but you feel like it's not enough, people aren't giving you what you want so you pull back and you lose the nascent friendship

-if you husband is happy without friends and finds it difficult to connect in ways that feeling interesting to him, he may be holding you both back socially

I don’t think this is too much of an issue with OP. She seems to be looking for girlfriends not couple friends.

I'm less involved with female friends I like a lot if I don't like their spouse. I have one friend who is lovely. We hang out with our kids, but if I'm having a few people over I usually won't invite her over because she will bring her husband and he so obviously doesn't want to be there. She doesn't get invited to camping with a few families for the same reason. He's not awful, but dour and disinterested and way to strict with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the entire thread, but what about people you work with, do you invite them for lunch or walk to get coffee? Do a “ hey Larla, how was the weekend?”

“Love your shoes”
“Happy Birthday”

Be friendly to your coworkers. My best friends have come from people I worked with. Even met my husband at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this came up in the other thread about why people want victims to just "get over it" and not cause awkwardness. OP what do you do for other people and their families? As someone asked whether you are "intense", think hard about that. In the best colleges you get really two sorts of people. You get most who have done great in high school and are cool people and come from excellent families and have built excellent records and know how to socialize and they go to their highly selective institution, find their people and fit in brilliantly. They do so because they know what it means to be successful, they know how to talk to people and how to be low-key and relaxed and not make things weird or awkward.

Then you get the strivers. The dishwasher's kid on Pell grants, the scholarship kid from the inner city, the farm kid from the sticks who has never distinguished between a dinner and salad fork in his life. If you're hot or a good athlete you'll be OK, people from the first group will take you under their wing and let your looks or sports skills carry you while you figure out how to behave.

But if not, if you're just intense and determined and a striver and all that, you're just going to turn people off. You won't know that you're being judged in every class session, cafeteria meal and trip to the library. You won't know that your JC Penney jeans and your parents flannel shirts pegged you as a loser the moment you walked onto campus. You won't realize that no, your whole family doesn't need to bring you to your first day in college. You won't realize that no, you don't go standing up for someone just because they've been "mistreated" or "bullied" because that can boomerang onto YOU. You're too intense, you don't act like you've been there, you think every stupid conversation or moral choice matters.

So who are you? Are you the person who would make a scene, push some cause just because it's "right"? Why do you want to make people think you're somehow better than them? Why do you think it matters? Just chill already and smoke a joint or have a drink. Be fun. Don't tell us about children in Africa. Thanks.

What an odd post.