SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home and have the same arrangement with my husband. Everything is equal and I buy whatever I want for myself with *our* money.
You realize that staying home to raise children is a pretty intense job if done right? The alternative is a stranger of questionable intelligence and motivation raising one’s kids for $60-70k per year after tax. So why couldn’t I buy myself jewelry or whatever if I do that job for free and better than a nanny?

Are you talking about homeschooling? If not, what do you know that’s so intense once your kids are out of school?

]

Sorry, *once your kids are in school (like they don’t need nannies anymore)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

So you're someone who enjoys the company of children and is apathetic about current events.

Yeah, I wouldn't really consider you smart.

NP - not even taking into consideration the fact that not enjoying politics is not the same thing as being apathetic about current events, this is one of the more messed up comments I’ve seen on DCUM. Only those of average or below average intelligence enjoy the company of children? Maybe this is why my kids’ teachers always comment about how they are so awesome and enjoyable to talk to. My have kids whose parents actually like them and enjoy spending time with them.

+1

Also you can be smart and not care about politics.

Or you can be dumb and care about politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home and have the same arrangement with my husband. Everything is equal and I buy whatever I want for myself with *our* money.
You realize that staying home to raise children is a pretty intense job if done right? The alternative is a stranger of questionable intelligence and motivation raising one’s kids for $60-70k per year after tax. So why couldn’t I buy myself jewelry or whatever if I do that job for free and better than a nanny?

Are you talking about homeschooling? If not, what do you know that’s so intense once your kids are out of school?

]

Sorry, *once your kids are in school (like they don’t need nannies anymore)

There is still lot of care, after school activities, homework, tuition, doctor/dentist appointments, shopping, playdates, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing etc. Every household needs a dedicated caretaker, self or hired to function well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

To most, parenting is basically a thankless and boring chore, better delegated to low pay strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

So you're someone who enjoys the company of children and is apathetic about current events.

Yeah, I wouldn't really consider you smart.

I SAH. Time to revisit some great literature or philosophical tracts to remind yourself about what some options for a life well-lived could look like. Spoiler: none of them involve obsessing about current events and politics.

I recommend starting with Voltaire's Candide. Find out what he meant when he wrote "one must tend to one's own garden."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

I talk to them. and yes they had careers till they had kids and stay at home. So they are currently SAHMs.

Ok. This is just a pet peeve of mine on this board. I’m a woman with children who works non-traditional hours. Most people I meet outside of work assume I am a SAHM. I’ve met other mom’s that I thought were SAH until i knew them better. I just don’t think it’s as obvious (or as big of a deal) as people make it out to be.

Honestly who cares? These women are probably just trying to figure out if you’d be available for daytime playdates or coffees, not in an attempt to judge you.

Sorry. My irritation isn’t that the women I have coffee and play dates with think I’m a SAHM. It’s that people on this message board always seem to assume they can look around and know who is a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

I talk to them. and yes they had careers till they had kids and stay at home. So they are currently SAHMs.

Ok. This is just a pet peeve of mine on this board. I’m a woman with children who works non-traditional hours. Most people I meet outside of work assume I am a SAHM. I’ve met other mom’s that I thought were SAH until i knew them better. I just don’t think it’s as obvious (or as big of a deal) as people make it out to be.

Honestly who cares? These women are probably just trying to figure out if you’d be available for daytime playdates or coffees, not in an attempt to judge you.

Sorry. My irritation isn’t that the women I have coffee and play dates with think I’m a SAHM. It’s that people on this message board always seem to assume they can look around and know who is a SAHM.

You are being ridiculous. When I say I talk to these people it means I became friends with these people. I socialize with parents and generally get to know their circumstance. I don’t take one look and know who is a SAHM or not. And yes many women I know at my private school had fancy jobs or pedigrees till they had kids. In general many ex lawyers and bankers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

Divorce can leave women who have been out of the workforce for a time and their kids very vulnerable. BTDT own the t shirt.

For the poster planning to change careers in 40s, age discrimination is real. Good luck!

Both of these things are realities of life. If they don't radically alter yours, awesome. That others make choices factoring in those realities, or, in my case, sure wish they had, could be framed in positive terms too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

I talk to them. and yes they had careers till they had kids and stay at home. So they are currently SAHMs.

Ok. This is just a pet peeve of mine on this board. I’m a woman with children who works non-traditional hours. Most people I meet outside of work assume I am a SAHM. I’ve met other mom’s that I thought were SAH until i knew them better. I just don’t think it’s as obvious (or as big of a deal) as people make it out to be.

Honestly who cares? These women are probably just trying to figure out if you’d be available for daytime playdates or coffees, not in an attempt to judge you.

Sorry. My irritation isn’t that the women I have coffee and play dates with think I’m a SAHM. It’s that people on this message board always seem to assume they can look around and know who is a SAHM.

Gotcha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

Divorce can leave women who have been out of the workforce for a time and their kids very vulnerable. BTDT own the t shirt.

For the poster planning to change careers in 40s, age discrimination is real. Good luck!

Both of these things are realities of life. If they don't radically alter yours, awesome. That others make choices factoring in those realities, or, in my case, sure wish they had, could be framed in positive terms too.

This was my family. My father was an alcoholic who could be great at times but was absolutely terrifying at others. When I begged my SAHM to leave him, she said she wanted to, but we had no money and nowhere to go.


So I grew up in fear. I made sure I didn't make the same mistake when I married.

Keeping your job is the only way to go for true peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home and have the same arrangement with my husband. Everything is equal and I buy whatever I want for myself with *our* money.
You realize that staying home to raise children is a pretty intense job if done right? The alternative is a stranger of questionable intelligence and motivation raising one’s kids for $60-70k per year after tax. So why couldn’t I buy myself jewelry or whatever if I do that job for free and better than a nanny?

Are you talking about homeschooling? If not, what do you know that’s so intense once your kids are out of school?

]

Sorry, *once your kids are in school (like they don’t need nannies anymore)

I know PP already answered this, but I want to add that thoughtful, dedicated parenting, maybe even "intensive" parenting, shouldn't stop when the kids go to school. What I often see happen is that a parent sort of gradually detaches from parenting in the elementary years, and then cannot for the life of them understand why their teen turns their back on them. Also people often quit reading parenting books when their kids start elementary school, which makes parenting teens that much harder. So then because their teens are busy and more self-sufficient and don't seem to want their company, and their primary interactions are discussing ( or arguing about) school and college applications, they check out of their teens lives, which has negative consequences for their teens and the parent-child relationship. But school age kids and teenagers need their parents in different but no less important ways than babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.

Now, SAHMs can definitely check out too. And approaching the school years as an intense job can be done by a working parent, for sure. I am in no way suggesting that working makes you a worse parent and staying at home makes you a better parent. But it's much harder to be a good parent if you have a full-time job simply because it takes time and energy and you have less of that when you are a full-time parent. Doubly so if your child has challenges like anxiety and depression or a special need. I have two school-aged kids and I find the time we spend together right before school and the time we spend together after school, plus the time we spend together on the weekends (which is usually most of the weekend because I run errands and such during school hours) to be incredibly important.

I do wish that parents could do all this without putting themselves in a financially precarious position (I HATE that my earning potential is so low), but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

So you're someone who enjoys the company of children and is apathetic about current events.

Yeah, I wouldn't really consider you smart.

I SAH. Time to revisit some great literature or philosophical tracts to remind yourself about what some options for a life well-lived could look like. Spoiler: none of them involve obsessing about current events and politics.

I recommend starting with Voltaire's Candide. Find out what he meant when he wrote "one must tend to one's own garden."

I’m pretty sure you’re quoting a manscaping ad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

You usually can’t tell if someone is a SAHM or not just by looking.

Also, at the most expensive privates the majority of the moms are 45 years old by the time they have a kindergartner. So they may have had a 20 year career before having kids.

We're in public school, but this is me and this is one reason why I find threads like this, and the attitude of some about SAHMs, weird. I actually only SAHMed for a few years and have been part time since, and am now actually planning to go back for a second graduate degree in order to do a career pivoting my late 40s. But I remember when I decided to quit my job when my first was born and I had colleagues who were like "oh no now you'll be dumb and boring and your husband won't respect you anymore!" I was 39, had out-earned him for much of our marriage, and felt I'd done everything I wanted to do in my career. My husband doesn't think I'm dumb or boring -- he asks me for career advice and thinks it's too bad I have zero interest in politics because, according to him, I could finally get that ham sandwich elected.

Some women SAHM because they want a new challenge, not because they are afraid of having a "real" job or don't want to have to think. It's so sad to discover how much women devalue the work of caring for children. Early childhood development is fascinating and finding out how to nurture your own child is deeply rewarding and interesting. I can't figure out if the people who don't understand this are just pretending they don't realize that because they couldn't afford to SAHM or really don't understand it. Either way, it's sad.

So you're someone who enjoys the company of children and is apathetic about current events.

Yeah, I wouldn't really consider you smart.

I SAH. Time to revisit some great literature or philosophical tracts to remind yourself about what some options for a life well-lived could look like. Spoiler: none of them involve obsessing about current events and politics.

I recommend starting with Voltaire's Candide. Find out what he meant when he wrote "one must tend to one's own garden."

I’m pretty sure you’re quoting a manscaping ad.

NP. You obviously have not read Voltaire.

[Anonymous]

Not in my case, no. I order stuff for myself all the time. I just bought myself a $150 sundress on a whim because I saw it pop up on the side of this page in an ad, lol.

He also does all of the grocery shopping and cooking and 50% of kid stuff.

Marriages have different dynamics. You can’t assume all are one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home and have the same arrangement with my husband. Everything is equal and I buy whatever I want for myself with *our* money.
You realize that staying home to raise children is a pretty intense job if done right? The alternative is a stranger of questionable intelligence and motivation raising one’s kids for $60-70k per year after tax. So why couldn’t I buy myself jewelry or whatever if I do that job for free and better than a nanny?

Are you talking about homeschooling? If not, what do you know that’s so intense once your kids are out of school?

]

Sorry, *once your kids are in school (like they don’t need nannies anymore)

Hah this is not true. I can tell you don’t have tweens or teens. It’s drama drama drama all the time in our house lately. From serious issues (cutting) to less serious issues (devastation over haircut). It’s always something and, with 4 kids between 10-15, it never ends.