Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants to go private because as the sahm with your income, that’s what all her friends do. She’s screwed either way. If you send your kids to public her friends will look down on her and she’ll probably lose her friends as they grow closer with other parents at the private school. If you make her work, she will lose her sahm mom friends and it’s super hard to make new mom friends as a Jr high or HS mom. Mom friendships are forged when kids are young and need the moms to coordinate activities, camps, rides, etc.

You left off the option where she can manipulate him into paying for private, while still staying home against his reservations.

I didn’t leave it off. I fully expect that is what will happen. Having a spouse work when you make $500k is stupid. Having a sah spouse is a luxury that makes life much more convenient for the high earner.

Private school is a luxury as well. This women seems to want all of the luxuries without having to bust her a** to afford them.

Exactly. This is the best comment in this thread.

A lot of women on this forum are delusional af.

The majority of higher earning UMC men don’t make their wives work. They just don’t. It’s a cultural thing. Parents fully pay for college, the bride’s parents pay for the wedding, marriage happens before kids and the wife isn’t expect to return to work at 6-8 weeks post childbirth. Some do, but many don’t.

It’s not remotely delusional to want to send your kid to private school and consider it on a 500k HHI. Also we don’t even know where OP lives. He may not be in a HCOL city.

They also have some measure of authority when it comes to big household decisions, especially ones involving big financial outlays. Or at least they used to...

As previously referenced in this thread, a lot of these women want all of the decision making authority and veto power to cater to their whims without having to engage in the grind to make such whims a possibility in the first place. Raising kids and taking care of a household are not appreciably more difficult or rare skillsets at 500K HHI vs. 100K HHI. If anything, it should be easier with that extra income and potential for hired help. In the realm of housekeepers, you likely are not special, whereas in the labor market 500K HHI is....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Jesus, dude. How the hell do you live with that much contempt for your wife? WTF is your problem?

You need therapy to figure out why you hold your wife in such low regard. And why you have such a chip on your shoulder about the Ivy Leagues you surpassed. You sound insecure AF.

Oh, and btw, that ROI? Well, she married a dude who makes half a million and she doesn't have to work. So who's the *actual* intelligent one with a good ROI in your relationship?

Yeah, because that takes so many brains

I’m a working women and have no problem with SAHMs, it’s a hard and thankless job. However if you’re not bringing in the family income but you complain about how much your husband makes and want to have more and more luxuries that’s a bit much. It’s like a man who isn’t parenting but is really fussy about how it’s done and asks why the kids can’t spin a ball on their nose and speak twenty languages. Sorry but when you split roles like this you have to let the other person take responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Op, I went to both public and private. I’m now watching my step kids go to one of the best public high schools in suburban DC. I really wish their parents could afford private high school. It kills me to know what they’re missing out on. You don’t know what private school kids get in comparison to what you got. Smaller classes, better writing instruction, nice teachers, bathrooms and cafeterias that can actually use rather than fear. There are so many administration snafus that wind up screwing the kids over.

You don’t see the value in a private school education. It’s not just a status symbol if it’s a good school. It confers a lot of benefits to your kids that are lifelong.

This is because of the ridiculous state of public schools. I grew up in a place where there were excellent public schools. Class size the same as my kids’ privates, teachers the same or better. Excellent facilities. Classmates went to Ivies, as did I — ran circles around private school kids. Public schools are underfunded and it’s an absolute travesty that in such an excellent nation we can’t figure out how to invest in our human capital and lift all boats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Op, I went to both public and private. I’m now watching my step kids go to one of the best public high schools in suburban DC. I really wish their parents could afford private high school. It kills me to know what they’re missing out on. You don’t know what private school kids get in comparison to what you got. Smaller classes, better writing instruction, nice teachers, bathrooms and cafeterias that can actually use rather than fear. There are so many administration snafus that wind up screwing the kids over.

You don’t see the value in a private school education. It’s not just a status symbol if it’s a good school. It confers a lot of benefits to your kids that are lifelong.

This is because of the ridiculous state of public schools. I grew up in a place where there were excellent public schools. Class size the same as my kids’ privates, teachers the same or better. Excellent facilities. Classmates went to Ivies, as did I — ran circles around private school kids. Public schools are underfunded and it’s an absolute travesty that in such an excellent nation we can’t figure out how to invest in our human capital and lift all boats.

Oh, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,
Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Don't sneer or you will have proved your wife's social graces were hugely benefited from a private school pedigree. Many Catholic parents send their kids to free TJHSST over Bishop Ireton, etc purely for stronger STEM fundamentals. I am beginning to think you are troll to drive up ad revenue because you refuse to list your wife's reason for private school during a PANDEMIC when many are frustrated with public school. Again OP, what is your wife's reason? What would your wife do if your kid was sexually harassed or spanked by the nurse, gym teacher, etc at the private school where there are no public school board meetings like in Loudoun?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Tempering your obvious dislike of your wife would be a good start. At least to her face.

Because that is what is 100% coming through in this post. You don't like your wife. You don't value her contributions as a SAHM. You don't value her opinion on your children's education. And I am not talking about differences of opinion here. Differences of opinion are perfectly fine, if sometimes hard to work through. This is much, much more than that.

I suggest you sit down and talk to her about why she thinks your kids need private school and that you tell her that you think the local public is just as good, and then listen. Try that. And maybe leave the rest of your resentments out of it and address those at another time. You sound like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Tempering your obvious dislike of your wife would be a good start. At least to her face.

Because that is what is 100% coming through in this post. You don't like your wife. You don't value her contributions as a SAHM. You don't value her opinion on your children's education. And I am not talking about differences of opinion here. Differences of opinion are perfectly fine, if sometimes hard to work through. This is much, much more than that.

I suggest you sit down and talk to her about why she thinks your kids need private school and that you tell her that you think the local public is just as good, and then listen. Try that. And maybe leave the rest of your resentments out of it and address those at another time. You sound like a jerk.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.

I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.

Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.

How do I raise this without blowing things up?

Um, this is so one time at band camp, in the 80s or 90s. .

It's 2021. A whole lot has changed! Kids can't just waltz out of public school into good colleges with lots of safeties anymore. Kids are getting into NO college. Public schools have changed too. And you earn enough to pay for private. Private high school is maybe 3,000/month. There is a sibling discount. That's roughly the same cost as daycare for middle class folk, or cost of nanny. Just stop spending cash on stupid toys and cars or whatever, and redirect those funds toward your kids future.

Lady, a smart kid who works hard in ANY school (public or private) is going to get into college. If your kid is an idiot, even coming out of a private school, he either won't get in or won't thrive in college. Private school is not the end all be all.

Signed - executive at a Fortune 500 company who went to public K-12 and [gasp!] a public university.

Again - one time, at band camp, in the 80s/90s. . .

[Anonymous]

OP, as is usual with interpersonal conflict, you will do a lot better for yourself if you can step back and try to see things from the other person's point of view.

It's really, really easy to say "oh your kids are in school, just go get a job." I thought this until the time came for me to "just go get a job." But after such a big mommy gap, I was looking at basically starting over in my career making 60K. And then because I would still be the primary parent it would be up to me to figure out childcare, transporting kids to sports events, etc. I couldn't anticipate any help at all from DH, and I cringed while imagining building a career from scratch (with my credentials) while still taking care of all the parenting.

I know this is done, and hats off to those who do it, but for us it just wasn't worth the stress. Luckily my husband is very supportive.

I will go back to work when DH takes a less time-consuming job and can get the kids off to school in the morning, or make dinner, or take some time off to get a kid to an orthodontist appointment. He does well in his career because that's all he really has to think about, and I want something close to that before I restart mine.

Also I used to be a die-hard "public schools are completely fine" until I saw what was happening thanks to quarantine. A "good" school means nothing except enough rich kids go there to keep test scores up. Public school curriculum in elementary typically based on theoretical educational theories that have absolutely no research to back them up. It's absurd. I do think my kids will be fine (they're in public) but if I saw them struggling at all I would see if I could go private for sure. Not so they could make a bunch of money when they grow up, but just so they could have a good childhood.

[Anonymous]

You don't. You knew who you were marrying when you were at the alter so you have to pay up. Or, you could co.promse and send 1 kid. You also could do couple's therapy to talk it out and handle the conversation in diplomatic manner.

[Anonymous]

Your poor wife. Imagine being married to someone, agreeing to give up your career, and then finding out that at the end of the day the guy you married still believes all the money is his. You are an incredibly insecure-sounding poster who doesn’t want his own children to have benefits he didn’t have, but his wife did. Your in-laws are going to be super impressed when your daughter returns to a menial job just to give their grandchildren the bare minimum educational opportunities that she had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Op, I went to both public and private. I’m now watching my step kids go to one of the best public high schools in suburban DC. I really wish their parents could afford private high school. It kills me to know what they’re missing out on. You don’t know what private school kids get in comparison to what you got. Smaller classes, better writing instruction, nice teachers, bathrooms and cafeterias that can actually use rather than fear. There are so many administration snafus that wind up screwing the kids over.

You don’t see the value in a private school education. It’s not just a status symbol if it’s a good school. It confers a lot of benefits to your kids that are lifelong.

This is because of the ridiculous state of public schools. I grew up in a place where there were excellent public schools. Class size the same as my kids’ privates, teachers the same or better. Excellent facilities. Classmates went to Ivies, as did I — ran circles around private school kids. Public schools are underfunded and it’s an absolute travesty that in such an excellent nation we can’t figure out how to invest in our human capital and lift all boats.

Not directed at you PP but just wanted to use your comment to point out that without private schools public schools would be a thousand times worse. Paying for a public school doesn’t exempt you from paying taxes that benefit public schools. Think about what would happen and if all of the privates shut down tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as is usual with interpersonal conflict, you will do a lot better for yourself if you can step back and try to see things from the other person's point of view.

It's really, really easy to say "oh your kids are in school, just go get a job." I thought this until the time came for me to "just go get a job." But after such a big mommy gap, I was looking at basically starting over in my career making 60K. And then because I would still be the primary parent it would be up to me to figure out childcare, transporting kids to sports events, etc. I couldn't anticipate any help at all from DH, and I cringed while imagining building a career from scratch (with my credentials) while still taking care of all the parenting.

I know this is done, and hats off to those who do it, but for us it just wasn't worth the stress. Luckily my husband is very supportive.

I will go back to work when DH takes a less time-consuming job and can get the kids off to school in the morning, or make dinner, or take some time off to get a kid to an orthodontist appointment. He does well in his career because that's all he really has to think about, and I want something close to that before I restart mine.

Also I used to be a die-hard "public schools are completely fine" until I saw what was happening thanks to quarantine. A "good" school means nothing except enough rich kids go there to keep test scores up. Public school curriculum in elementary typically based on theoretical educational theories that have absolutely no research to back them up. It's absurd. I do think my kids will be fine (they're in public) but if I saw them struggling at all I would see if I could go private for sure. Not so they could make a bunch of money when they grow up, but just so they could have a good childhood.

This is ridiculous. Sorry, how do you think two working parents do it? Wait to start my career until that’s all I think of… ha! Ha! Ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as is usual with interpersonal conflict, you will do a lot better for yourself if you can step back and try to see things from the other person's point of view.

It's really, really easy to say "oh your kids are in school, just go get a job." I thought this until the time came for me to "just go get a job." But after such a big mommy gap, I was looking at basically starting over in my career making 60K. And then because I would still be the primary parent it would be up to me to figure out childcare, transporting kids to sports events, etc. I couldn't anticipate any help at all from DH, and I cringed while imagining building a career from scratch (with my credentials) while still taking care of all the parenting.

I know this is done, and hats off to those who do it, but for us it just wasn't worth the stress. Luckily my husband is very supportive.

I will go back to work when DH takes a less time-consuming job and can get the kids off to school in the morning, or make dinner, or take some time off to get a kid to an orthodontist appointment. He does well in his career because that's all he really has to think about, and I want something close to that before I restart mine.

Also I used to be a die-hard "public schools are completely fine" until I saw what was happening thanks to quarantine. A "good" school means nothing except enough rich kids go there to keep test scores up. Public school curriculum in elementary typically based on theoretical educational theories that have absolutely no research to back them up. It's absurd. I do think my kids will be fine (they're in public) but if I saw them struggling at all I would see if I could go private for sure. Not so they could make a bunch of money when they grow up, but just so they could have a good childhood.

This is ridiculous. Sorry, how do you think two working parents do it? Wait to start my career until that’s all I think of… ha! Ha! Ha!

Well, I do think most working parents started careers before they had kids. And if one parent is working a ton, the other doesn’t usually start a new career at that point. Like I said, I know it’s done, but that kind of intensity just isn’t for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Op, I went to both public and private. I’m now watching my step kids go to one of the best public high schools in suburban DC. I really wish their parents could afford private high school. It kills me to know what they’re missing out on. You don’t know what private school kids get in comparison to what you got. Smaller classes, better writing instruction, nice teachers, bathrooms and cafeterias that can actually use rather than fear. There are so many administration snafus that wind up screwing the kids over.

You don’t see the value in a private school education. It’s not just a status symbol if it’s a good school. It confers a lot of benefits to your kids that are lifelong.

This is because of the ridiculous state of public schools. I grew up in a place where there were excellent public schools. Class size the same as my kids’ privates, teachers the same or better. Excellent facilities. Classmates went to Ivies, as did I — ran circles around private school kids. Public schools are underfunded and it’s an absolute travesty that in such an excellent nation we can’t figure out how to invest in our human capital and lift all boats.

Not directed at you PP but just wanted to use your comment to point out that without private schools public schools would be a thousand times worse. Paying for a public school doesn’t exempt you from paying taxes that benefit public schools. Think about what would happen and if all of the privates shut down tomorrow.

All the political influence that private school parents have would go toward making public schools better?