Mother criticizes me for taking family on vacation. How would you respond

[Anonymous]

We just got back from a Spring Break trip. It was truly not anything elaborate...we drove seven hours away to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg. I spoke to my mother for Easter and she went on a tangent about spoiling the kids (7 and 9), most people don't get to go on vacations each year (which may be true), making sure they're not entitled, I have too much money, etc.

For context, I grew up really poor and NEVER went on vacations or trips as a child. Not once...not even a day trip to the beaches that were only about 3 hours away. Now, I'm doing fairly well financially but I still try to be responsible. We've only done fairly ordinary vacations: Disney once, Delaware regularly, took them out of the country to an all-inclusive in Mexico last year so her comments have really started bothering me (and didn't travel at all during the height of the pandemic).

I am thankful we're able to provide things I didn't have and I understand her limited perspective (as far as how often vacations should occur), but I'm struggling with a response (if it's worth responding at all). We're actually taking the kids to Europe in a few months and I don't even want to let her know because I know it's going to result in disbelief and more of these types of comments. But it's also not the type of thing that could stay a secret for long.

Any advice? She and I have a strained relationship that's gotten better lately, but this is really bothering me and I think news of the Europe trip is going to strike a nerve.

[Anonymous]

I think she's gonna be how she is, and there's nothing you can do. If it strikes a nerve, so be it.

Aging parents are often defensive about how they raised their kids, and don't understand how social norms have changed. I grew up middle class and didn't go on a lot of vacations either, it just wasn't really a thing people did that much of.

[Anonymous]

You can’t change her but you can change how you react to her.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mention the Europe trip to her. If she finds out about it and brings it up, you can tell her that she seems upset about your family's travel so you didn't share.

If she continues to harangue, tell her that your family's spending choices are not up for discussion.

[Anonymous]

She's jealous because she didn't get that with her family when you were little. It's coming out as criticism because she feels jealous and your childhood is looking worse in comparison.

[Anonymous]

I would distance myself from such a mother and not share as much information. Her loss.

Separately, I would take a good look at my finances and consider whether I'm investing enough for the future. My kid's college was 85K last year, and prices are only going up (on average over the past decades, faster than inflation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just got back from a Spring Break trip. It was truly not anything elaborate...we drove seven hours away to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg. I spoke to my mother for Easter and she went on a tangent about spoiling the kids (7 and 9), most people don't get to go on vacations each year (which may be true), making sure they're not entitled, I have too much money, etc.

For context, I grew up really poor and NEVER went on vacations or trips as a child. Not once...not even a day trip to the beaches that were only about 3 hours away. Now, I'm doing fairly well financially but I still try to be responsible. We've only done fairly ordinary vacations: Disney once, Delaware regularly, took them out of the country to an all-inclusive in Mexico last year so her comments have really started bothering me (and didn't travel at all during the height of the pandemic).

I am thankful we're able to provide things I didn't have and I understand her limited perspective (as far as how often vacations should occur), but I'm struggling with a response (if it's worth responding at all). We're actually taking the kids to Europe in a few months and I don't even want to let her know because I know it's going to result in disbelief and more of these types of comments. But it's also not the type of thing that could stay a secret for long.

Any advice? She and I have a strained relationship that's gotten better lately, but this is really bothering me and I think news of the Europe trip is going to strike a nerve.

Are you talking to her on the phone? If so just tell her you don't want to discuss the vacations if she's going to be rude. If she continues, hang up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she's gonna be how she is, and there's nothing you can do. If it strikes a nerve, so be it.

Aging parents are often defensive about how they raised their kids, and don't understand how social norms have changed. I grew up middle class and didn't go on a lot of vacations either, it just wasn't really a thing people did that much of.

I grew up UMC, my husband grew up MC. We went on tons of vacations, he went to the same place at the beach nearby every single year. His mom makes snide comments about our vacations now that we're UMC as well. I think she feels guilty/jealous. That's on her though, not on me. I just ignore/walk away. She's free to be miserable all by herself while we enjoy our vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t change her but you can change how you react to her.

I don't really react. I just kind of murmur an "ok" to keep the conversation moving but it still stings a bit.

[Anonymous]

She knows what it’s like to have nothing and doesn’t want you to squander your money away on multiple trips and have nothing left if times get tough.

[Anonymous]

She’s projecting. I just wouldn’t tell her about vacation and if she starts bugging tell her why you stopped telling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would distance myself from such a mother and not share as much information. Her loss.

Separately, I would take a good look at my finances and consider whether I'm investing enough for the future. My kid's college was 85K last year, and prices are only going up (on average over the past decades, faster than inflation).

Jeez, what college is this?

We spend less than 3% of our HHI on vacations and, I do that reluctantly. Mostly because I have emotional issues tied to money from growing up poor, but I've realized my kids deserve experiences, especially if I can afford them.

[Anonymous]

My parents are super defensive every time I make a different parenting choice than they would have. It's just the way it goes. They can't really wrap their heads around how times have changed, and they don't like the idea that there was or is anything bad about the place they live. But I choose not to raise my children in Methville, USA, so we avoid the topic.

[Anonymous]

You sigh loudly and then say "thanks for your concern mom, how's Aunt Marcie doing?"

And then in the future, just tell her less about these trips. What information does she actually need to know about it? Only tell her that. "We'll be on vacation from X to Y". If you are sending her photos, stop. If you are telling her about your activities and accommodations, stop. Just tell her "we are doing here" or "we just got home from here" and that's it. If she starts a rant you say "ok" and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

My family didn't vacation much or value vacations so they view it a frivolous also. I never share with my family when we go on vacation. My DH thinks it's so bizarre but after 20 years he sort of gets it.