Mother criticizes me for taking family on vacation. How would you respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would distance myself from such a mother and not share as much information. Her loss.

Separately, I would take a good look at my finances and consider whether I'm investing enough for the future. My kid's college was 85K last year, and prices are only going up (on average over the past decades, faster than inflation).

Traveling and vacations are one of the best investments you can make in yourselves and your family. The ROI is far higher than being ripped off by ann college.

In Europe even the poorest families take vacations. It is certainly affordable in the richest country in the world.

[Anonymous]

"We never took trips growing up, but I don't want my kids to miss out. We prioritize travel. If that isn't something you understand, fine, but I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your comments to yourself going forward."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would distance myself from such a mother and not share as much information. Her loss.

Separately, I would take a good look at my finances and consider whether I'm investing enough for the future. My kid's college was 85K last year, and prices are only going up (on average over the past decades, faster than inflation).

Jeez, what college is this?

We spend less than 3% of our HHI on vacations and, I do that reluctantly. Mostly because I have emotional issues tied to money from growing up poor, but I've realized my kids deserve experiences, especially if I can afford them.

Many private colleges are around this price.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I dont' think you are spoiling them at all. I nfact, I think it;s hard to spoil kids by the mere fact of where you travel (I mean staying at the Club Med always , maybe) , but that's me. (Do others?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would distance myself from such a mother and not share as much information. Her loss.

Separately, I would take a good look at my finances and consider whether I'm investing enough for the future. My kid's college was 85K last year, and prices are only going up (on average over the past decades, faster than inflation).

Traveling and vacations are one of the best investments you can make in yourselves and your family. The ROI is far higher than being ripped off by ann college.

In Europe even the poorest families take vacations. It is certainly affordable in the richest country in the world.

The “poorest” do not take vacations anywhere. It is a sign of comfort to be able to spend even minimal money on travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sigh loudly and then say "thanks for your concern mom, how's Aunt Marcie doing?"

And then in the future, just tell her less about these trips. What information does she actually need to know about it? Only tell her that. "We'll be on vacation from X to Y". If you are sending her photos, stop. If you are telling her about your activities and accommodations, stop. Just tell her "we are doing here" or "we just got home from here" and that's it. If she starts a rant you say "ok" and change the subject.

+1 to all this.

It's a good formula, OP, to acknowledge ("Thanks for your concern" or maybe preferably, "We plan well for trips") then immediately distract and deflect ("How's Aunt Marcie doing?"). If acknowledging even in a minimal "I hear you, mmm-hmm" way only eggs her on -- then move right to deflection. Every. Single. Time.

OP, I"m so sorry that she does this and that it wounds you even a little. I get it. My mom did not do this with trips -- she was glad we traveled a ton -- but she could do it sometimes with other things. It's a defensive mechanism, in part, where the parent wants to defend that they raised you, the adult child, right; but I think it also can be a way some aging parents express their worries about your being financially secure. You know you're secure, and can tell her that, but she may still needle and carp about expenditures. She may do the same, OP, when your kids get a little older and start getting involved in $$$ extracurriculars, or when your kids are much older and college tuition talk gets started. Don't be surprised if she pushes the subject of "why would you let Sally look at such an expensive college?!!" etc. It's likely NOT born out of meanness or pure criticism; it's often coming from a place of genuine, but misplaced, worry about you as her adult child -- and an inability to express her worry and fear in any way that's not criticizing. I"m NOT excusing her criticisms! I'm saying this is a generational thing and she's likely not self-aware enough to understand that you Really Are Fine and your kids are being enriched, not spoiled.

Minimal information, acknowledge, redirect. Don't engage otherwise. But I would not hide travel from her--that puts you in the position of hiding your life and no one should have to do that!

[Anonymous]

How did she know you went on vacation?

If she can’t keep her opinions to herself, she’s not entitled to a play by play of how you spend your time off.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she thinks you should be visiting her instead of taking a vacation.

This is what my grandmother told me—she is pretty good at making me feel guilty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t change her but you can change how you react to her.

This. You need to be a duck and let her words be water. They should just roll off of you. Next time she starts in on you, smile and nod and remember to be the duck.

[Anonymous]

Just deflect and ignore. If you can, include her sometimes.

My parents are the same way - well my mom is. They didn’t grow up going on ANY vacations. My mom’s family would go camping an hour from home sometimes. I grew up going on vacation once every 2 years and even then it was usually to visit family. We go on several vacations a year and every trip elicits whining and pouting from my mom about how she doesn’t go anywhere or do anything. There is nothing stopping her from going on vacations except planning one. I used to feel guilty not bringing her along with us, but that is my time with MY kids. I am enjoying these years where my kids like hanging out with me and are old enough to do things like kayak and go one strenuous hikes.

[Anonymous]

Why not invite her? Or, if she's struggling financially, help her with something like a grocery gift card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sigh loudly and then say "thanks for your concern mom, how's Aunt Marcie doing?"

And then in the future, just tell her less about these trips. What information does she actually need to know about it? Only tell her that. "We'll be on vacation from X to Y". If you are sending her photos, stop. If you are telling her about your activities and accommodations, stop. Just tell her "we are doing here" or "we just got home from here" and that's it. If she starts a rant you say "ok" and change the subject.

+1 to all this.

It's a good formula, OP, to acknowledge ("Thanks for your concern" or maybe preferably, "We plan well for trips") then immediately distract and deflect ("How's Aunt Marcie doing?"). If acknowledging even in a minimal "I hear you, mmm-hmm" way only eggs her on -- then move right to deflection. Every. Single. Time.

OP, I"m so sorry that she does this and that it wounds you even a little. I get it. My mom did not do this with trips -- she was glad we traveled a ton -- but she could do it sometimes with other things. It's a defensive mechanism, in part, where the parent wants to defend that they raised you, the adult child, right; but I think it also can be a way some aging parents express their worries about your being financially secure. You know you're secure, and can tell her that, but she may still needle and carp about expenditures. She may do the same, OP, when your kids get a little older and start getting involved in $$$ extracurriculars, or when your kids are much older and college tuition talk gets started. Don't be surprised if she pushes the subject of "why would you let Sally look at such an expensive college?!!" etc. It's likely NOT born out of meanness or pure criticism; it's often coming from a place of genuine, but misplaced, worry about you as her adult child -- and an inability to express her worry and fear in any way that's not criticizing. I"m NOT excusing her criticisms! I'm saying this is a generational thing and she's likely not self-aware enough to understand that you Really Are Fine and your kids are being enriched, not spoiled.

Minimal information, acknowledge, redirect. Don't engage otherwise. But I would not hide travel from her--that puts you in the position of hiding your life and no one should have to do that!

Thank you (and other posters) for conceptualizing it this way. I'll try this approach. FYI, I don't send pictures or share details, but when she speaks with her grandkids/my children, it's inevitable that they'll mention we were in X Y Z and did such-and-such and I don't want to tell them they can't share with their grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she thinks you should be visiting her instead of taking a vacation.

This is what my grandmother told me—she is pretty good at making me feel guilty!

OP here and I'm certain this is part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not invite her? Or, if she's struggling financially, help her with something like a grocery gift card.

I've provided way more financial support over the years than what's reasonably expected of parents and I still support often. Ironically, she's going on a cruise this year and I'll give her some "spending money".

[Anonymous]

LOL that a trip to Pigeon Forge could be considered spoiling someone.