Mother criticizes me for taking family on vacation. How would you respond
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Anonymous
| My MIL gets upset when we take vacations that don’t include her. I don’t mind having her come on some of them but she now expects to be included on every summer trip and gave us a major guilt trip when she found out she wasn’t invited. She thinks she is owed trips with her grandkids and we don’t love her if she is not included. I don’t know where this expectation comes from but it appears to be a problem for numerous parents. |
Anonymous
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OP, I can totally relate on two levels.
First, I also grew up very poor, and now am top 1%. I've always wanted to travel, and now I do. I really love being able to show my kids the country and the world, and I like being able to do it comfortably. Second, my mom quite palpably resents me, and chooses passive aggressive ways to make sure I know. It's not confrontable: I've tried; it devolves into denial, gaslighting, and then telling her friends, and my siblings how much I suck. It often relates to money and the basic narrative is that I am a rotten greedy person. I aspire to acceptance, but it's not so easy. It's hard having your mom be your worst detractor. I do think the right path is acceptance (for me -- maybe there is hope with your mom). It's just hard to implement. PS - Your vacations are not remotely extravagant! |
Anonymous
| I would just ... not tell her. She has a lot of complicated feelings wrapped up in pride and shame over the childhood she gave you and how you turned out and you doing ANYTHING differently than she did makes her feel Big Feelings and processing those is a lot of painful work she simply may not be interested in. Best to just get on with your life and keep the peace by not telling her. |
Anonymous
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Don't feel bad. You're not even coming close to "spoiling" them with a trip to Pigeon Forge. *eye roll*
Travel is a wonderful way to open a child's eyes to the rest of the world. I know people who have never left their state, and I find that so depressing. My kids are 12, and I've prioritized travel in our budget for their growth and my own mental health They've been to: Hawaii - Maui and Oahu Acadia NP in Maine NYC Salem, Mass to learn about more about witches after watching Wednesday Hershey Park in PA Disney World Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, and London in one trip Mexico, San Diego, Disney Land, and Santa Monica in one trip Myrtle Beach Charleston Savannah/Tybee Island Jekyll Island Multiple parts of Florida Lots of quick beach trips to the NC or SC coast A long camping trip out west to visit, Arizona, NV, CO and Utah. We did a bunch of national parks Houston, TX to visit family And I have so much more planned for them. I'm hoping to make them world travelers in their own right and future travel buddies when they become adults too. |
Anonymous
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Anything I do with my children that deviates at all from how my mother raised me gets a snarky comment. Even though I’ve told her so many times that things have changed and I don’t judge her. For example juice being a special occasion drink versus an everything thing when I was a kid. Back then, that was seen as healthy since we didn’t drink soda!
I don’t think she was a bad parent for giving us juice at every meal and I’ve certainly never implied that! But she is so offended, constantly over everything. And reacts by criticizing me and being snarky. It’s exhausting but I do my best to ignore it. What else can I do? |
Anonymous
This is such a bizarre response, congratulations for taking your kids on lots of vacations but the list was unnecessary! 
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Anonymous
+10000 |
Anonymous
Amen. Don't react. Don't justify. There is no answer that will satisfy her. She's looking for a reaction and by not giving it, you won't cede the power she wishes to her. |
Anonymous
I think she probably feels bad she didn’t get to do those things when she was your age. |
Anonymous
People in this area have a weird fetish for travel and love to one-up each other on travel |
Anonymous
Good brag. |
Anonymous
I would rather go to pigeon forge than your list. |
Anonymous
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Don’t respond, don’t apologize and don’t defend your choices. It’s your family and you get to go on any vacations you want. Change the subject and quickly say you need to go when she starts. Hang up the phone.
We grew up poor but my parents LOVED vacations. As kids, we did too and got so excited because they were excited. We always went on yearly vacations. Now, that might have been a day drive to a local lake where we had a picnic or on a really good where they were able to save, one night in a cheap motel near that lake. We never ate in a restaurant. But we loved it and they instilled in us a love for vacation. We are UMC now and all I have is happy summer memories of my childhood. We have taken my children all over the world, different types of vacations than I had, but hopefully they have a yearly love of vacation too. That’s what matters. |
Anonymous
+1. We did the same beach trip every year with my mom’s family where we all crowded into one rental house and all the kids slept in sleeping bags on the floor and I loved it. My LMC grandmother would take bus trips across the country because that’s all she could afford and I inherited her love of travel and I’m not going to apologize for it. Travel isn’t just spending money. As another PP said, it opens people’s (not just kids) eyes to the fact that there is a whole world out there beyond the limited view they’re exposed to in one town/city. As long as you’re not traveling at the expense of paying your bills or saving for retirement/college, who cares? It’s your money. |
Anonymous
| I have a line I used to use with my mom that is obnoxious but worked. "that's funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion". She got the hint. |