What is this feeing I experience from a memory of my mother?
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Anonymous
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I have showed up to EVERYTHING for my children, from big things like concerts, to small things like to serve hot chocolate at Polar Express Day in kindergarten. My oldest, 13, showed me a Tik Tok of a little boy at at awards ceremony scanning the room for one of his “people”, looking forlorn, but then beaming when he eyes his mom. Suddenly I was flooded with emotion and was back in high school, at the ONE event my mother showed up to that made me feel so guilty, probably to this day.
My mother prioritized work, and never showed up to anything. My father came to one award ceremony in 2nd grade, and I remember him being so happy to be there. I also remember him picking me up from school the day I threw up in class. He was glad to be there, or at least made me feel that way. My mother made me feel like every normal childhood need that interrupted her work was an inconvenience. I felt it to my core. So you can imagine my surprise when, senior year, I look out at the crowd during a random band concert assembly for the school and see my mother! Oh no! She took time off work for *this*? Maybe I was projecting, but when I walked her to her car afterwards, I got the impression she was expecting something “more” and that she had wasted her lunch AND breaks (she made a point to tell me she was there because she was giving up both). I was so embarrassed and guilty, and to this day, it is palpable. What is this? What is this feeling I’m experiencing? |
Anonymous
| Resentment. And rightfully so. I’m sorry. |
Anonymous
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Your pain was reawakened (triggered) by your empathy with the little boy in the video. You viscerally understand his feelings and because these were memories/feelings that shaped you, you feel them even more intensely. Hugs.
Although no one wants to be a part of 'the club' you're in, please know that those of us in it recognize your pain and have also done everything we can to make sure our kids don't feel how we felt. I was a high achieving kid in school (academics, athletics, performance, etc.) and my parents didn't attend a single event. I had to get rides to/from practices/games/performances/events. I never even bothered to look for anyone in the audience. The parents of a couple of friends, though, were always supportive though and I can't tell you just how much I appreciated their attention. |
Anonymous
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Your gut was telling her that what she was doing wasn't "real"; it wasn't her being a real parent, it wasn't her showing up for you, it wasn't her supporting you. Your gut was waving a red flag, and it was right.
Protect yourself from her. I'm sorry. Mourn the mother you didn't have, grieve and move forward as best you can. Cut her out of your life as much as possible. |
Anonymous
| Your mom made you feel shameful for living a normal childhood. I wish I could go back in time and punch her in the face for you. |
Anonymous
| What was your moms line of work that she so prioritized? |
Anonymous
| You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing. |
Anonymous
Wow, that’s not at all true. I’m 50 and parents coming to events was absolutely a thing. |
Anonymous
Our moms came because they SAH. A lot of dads were never there, mine wasn't. Work was a lot less flexible back then that it is now, for working moms and dads. I can see not being able to take the time on a whim having been a problem back then, for those who worked. |
Anonymous
My parents worked and came to nothing, nor did any of the other kids parents come. |
Anonymous
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Was she in other ways loving or caring? Did she buy you things you wanted? Did she help with schoolwork.
Why are people always focusing on the negatives? |
Anonymous
Is the following statement correct, OP? It's not that she didn't come to things. It's that she made you feel like s$*t for having things/events that she should probably go to. She made you feel guilty for having normal childhood stuff that happens. |
Anonymous
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Feelings aren’t facts.
I’m not defending your mother, but I wonder why you talk kindly of your father who was never at things, and denigrate your mother, who also wasn’t. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to a lot of realization about the world that my mom would have lived in. Depending on your age, and SEC, your mother probably didn’t have as many choices about her work as you think she might have. Like now, there’s a lot of judgment about mothers who go to work - for her there was much more conflict. She may have been going to a workplace to be sexually harassed every day, judged by her friends and parents for not being a SAH, and had her own sets of hopes and dreams to try to fulfil. She may have also wanted to set an example to you about being a woman who can live those dreams and make their own money. Now, I’m sad for you that she didn’t come to anything. I also wonder about your need to go to every darned thing for your kids, which I also don’t think is completely healthy. I think it’s also good for kids to know that there are others that love them are there parents cannot be. You’re doing the best you can, and your mother probably did too. It seems confusing when maybe all your needs weren’t met, but if I were you I would start to come to terms with that in some degree - even if it’s therapy to understand that those needs are still unmet, but that you’re not going to meet them through your children. |
Anonymous
| Sadness |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry. Sadness, shame, and guilt. It's a form of neglect, and it still hurts. I've been in therapy for a thousand years, and I definitely had to learn that I can't change how they behaved, and that they will likely say "I did the best I could" (Which is lousy) or "That's how everyone was at that time" which is also not true.
I'm sorry you are having these feelings. |