What is this feeing I experience from a memory of my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. Sadness, shame, and guilt. It's a form of neglect, and it still hurts. I've been in therapy for a thousand years, and I definitely had to learn that I can't change how they behaved, and that they will likely say "I did the best I could" (Which is lousy) or "That's how everyone was at that time" which is also not true.

I'm sorry you are having these feelings.

A form of neglect? No way is that neglect. It stinks but it's definitely not neglect. No food, no clean clothes, never being home, completely ignoring your kid, these are neglect. The fact that the child was in band speaks to the fact that someone was paying attention and filling out forms for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

Are you daft? Most women at that time did not work outside the home, so not only was parents coming to school events “a thing,” it was a big thing, and the mothers were very involved.

Also, OP, it is very normal for you to experience things that make you think of childhood and ruminate. That is totally normal. I highly recommend talking to a therapist, and exploring the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” I’m sorry that your mother let you down, and I’m sorry your father did, too.

another proof that many Americans can't envision different cultures. In Europe in the 70 and 80 moms worked and parents came to nothing. And yes, in most of Europe that was the case.

Yes, and? The vast majority of us are Americans talking about American culture today, and American culture when we were children. The OP is talking about a specific set of circumstances. Your anecdata and WhataboutEuropean means nothing and impresses exactly no one in the context of this thread.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine to not come to your kid’s stuff. It’s not fine to come rarely and then tell your kid they weren’t worth the effort of coming.

[Anonymous]

Same. My mother is the same, and approaching 70. Rarely has time to spend with her only grandchild. Corporate work is her priority. She’ll eventually be laid off and become depressed - happens every so often.

[Anonymous]

Did she work at a family friendly office/job? Because these things weren’t just „allowed“ - that moms could disappear in the middle of the day for a recital. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that times truly changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she work at a family friendly office/job? Because these things weren’t just „allowed“ - that moms could disappear in the middle of the day for a recital. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that times truly changed.

^^ heck, even 10 years ago my boss barely let me go to my three year olds recital and when she was at the hospital and I went ONE afternoon to be with her, he later totally complained about me. I didn’t have options back then, but as soon as I did I quit.

[Anonymous]

I. Relate. You were triggered and vulnerable feelings came back. For me it was worthlessness and inferiority, but also the adult in me shifts it to indignation. They supported my sister. Dad would even take off from work for her. My awards and special events weren’t thing they valued and I was not the Golden Child. It didn’t matter if mom was Sahm or she was working part time. She actually pretended to be interested in grandchildren, but she was so annoyed and bored at their events, we stopped inviting. I’m glad my husband and I can give our children what neither of us had- loving and supportive parents who show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

Thank you so much for this, PP. I'm a teacher mom and (ironically) I do not have the flexibility to come to most school events that occur during the day, and I often miss after school ones as well if my schedule doesn't align with my son's.

My best mom friend (who tragically died a year ago) who had a job with flexible hours that she worked from home always went out of her way to cheer for my son or made sure he noticed her at events so he always knew someone special was noticing him. She would send me videos of him at baseball games or swim events I wasn't able to attend. And in the rare times I was at an event that she couldn't attend, I did the same for her.

So many DCUM posters have no concept that others don't have the financial flexibility that they do. Many of the parents of my students have jobs that are paid hourly, and if they don't work, they aren't paid. They can't take an afternoon off for a strings concert. That's not neglect. It doesn't negate the sad feelings for those kids, but other parents can make such a difference in making those kids feel seen and valued. When my son saw me next, he knew I had seen the videos my friend sent and I'd be sure to praise him or comment on them. We can help by making connections with other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

Thank you so much for this, PP. I'm a teacher mom and (ironically) I do not have the flexibility to come to most school events that occur during the day, and I often miss after school ones as well if my schedule doesn't align with my son's.

My best mom friend (who tragically died a year ago) who had a job with flexible hours that she worked from home always went out of her way to cheer for my son or made sure he noticed her at events so he always knew someone special was noticing him. She would send me videos of him at baseball games or swim events I wasn't able to attend. And in the rare times I was at an event that she couldn't attend, I did the same for her.

So many DCUM posters have no concept that others don't have the financial flexibility that they do. Many of the parents of my students have jobs that are paid hourly, and if they don't work, they aren't paid. They can't take an afternoon off for a strings concert. That's not neglect. It doesn't negate the sad feelings for those kids, but other parents can make such a difference in making those kids feel seen and valued. When my son saw me next, he knew I had seen the videos my friend sent and I'd be sure to praise him or comment on them. We can help by making connections with other parents.

So what if it is not "neglect"? It feels like neglect to some kids, esp when they see other parents there and when their own makes them feel bad about attending. Other parents are not a substitute for their own. And while I get what you're saying, you and some others are downplaying how much this affects many kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

Thank you so much for this, PP. I'm a teacher mom and (ironically) I do not have the flexibility to come to most school events that occur during the day, and I often miss after school ones as well if my schedule doesn't align with my son's.

My best mom friend (who tragically died a year ago) who had a job with flexible hours that she worked from home always went out of her way to cheer for my son or made sure he noticed her at events so he always knew someone special was noticing him. She would send me videos of him at baseball games or swim events I wasn't able to attend. And in the rare times I was at an event that she couldn't attend, I did the same for her.

So many DCUM posters have no concept that others don't have the financial flexibility that they do. Many of the parents of my students have jobs that are paid hourly, and if they don't work, they aren't paid. They can't take an afternoon off for a strings concert. That's not neglect. It doesn't negate the sad feelings for those kids, but other parents can make such a difference in making those kids feel seen and valued. When my son saw me next, he knew I had seen the videos my friend sent and I'd be sure to praise him or comment on them. We can help by making connections with other parents.

So what if it is not "neglect"? It feels like neglect to some kids, esp when they see other parents there and when their own makes them feel bad about attending. Other parents are not a substitute for their own. And while I get what you're saying, you and some others are downplaying how much this affects many kids.

OP is not a kid anymore. She should have adult understanding of how the real world works now and have grown beyond the childish "it's not fair!" response to this childhood disappointment.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is:

Of course a 50yo should understand and comprehend that their parent missed many things because of work, because they had to work to provide necessities, etc. But the parent DOES NOT have to make the child feel like their very existence is an inconvenience. If they DO show up, they don’t have to make their child feel like it was time wasted. And in hindsight, I think a 50yo would have a better grasp of that attitude than a child would at the time.

The father didn’t show up to much, but when he could, he showed OP he was proud to be there.

The mother didn’t show up to much, but when she could, she made sure to let OP know how much of an inconvenience it was.

Rational or not, these feelings change our DNA. The body remembers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

Thank you so much for this, PP. I'm a teacher mom and (ironically) I do not have the flexibility to come to most school events that occur during the day, and I often miss after school ones as well if my schedule doesn't align with my son's.

My best mom friend (who tragically died a year ago) who had a job with flexible hours that she worked from home always went out of her way to cheer for my son or made sure he noticed her at events so he always knew someone special was noticing him. She would send me videos of him at baseball games or swim events I wasn't able to attend. And in the rare times I was at an event that she couldn't attend, I did the same for her.

So many DCUM posters have no concept that others don't have the financial flexibility that they do. Many of the parents of my students have jobs that are paid hourly, and if they don't work, they aren't paid. They can't take an afternoon off for a strings concert. That's not neglect. It doesn't negate the sad feelings for those kids, but other parents can make such a difference in making those kids feel seen and valued. When my son saw me next, he knew I had seen the videos my friend sent and I'd be sure to praise him or comment on them. We can help by making connections with other parents.

That's awesome, I am thankful for the moms who have sent me videos or pictures. I'm sorry you lost your friend though, she sounds special.

[Anonymous]

OP I know you have posted before on this. Don't post to the non-experts. It is worth you looking into this more for yourself. If you can't let it go, maybe therapy will tap into what it is exactly about that event that gnaws at you (her suddenly hearing from another about the event/going to the band event that was actually NBD- not a major band event- and feeling a need to let you know it was underwhelming).

Maybe it's just the 'eff me!' whomp-whomp feeling of knowing that the one damn thing she went to- it would have been awesome if had been worth it- if it was a big event/if you were the star/if you rocked the house- the whole thing was amazing - and if it then made her regret not showing up to all the other events. It's like her going to that one lame event reinforced why she was right not to go to all the others in her mind. That would bother me too. Like when you see something cool and yell 'look look!' only for everyone else to turn too late and miss it.

I think you showing up for all that you can of your kids events is you wiping the slate and being the mother you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

Thank you so much for this, PP. I'm a teacher mom and (ironically) I do not have the flexibility to come to most school events that occur during the day, and I often miss after school ones as well if my schedule doesn't align with my son's.

My best mom friend (who tragically died a year ago) who had a job with flexible hours that she worked from home always went out of her way to cheer for my son or made sure he noticed her at events so he always knew someone special was noticing him. She would send me videos of him at baseball games or swim events I wasn't able to attend. And in the rare times I was at an event that she couldn't attend, I did the same for her.

So many DCUM posters have no concept that others don't have the financial flexibility that they do. Many of the parents of my students have jobs that are paid hourly, and if they don't work, they aren't paid. They can't take an afternoon off for a strings concert. That's not neglect. It doesn't negate the sad feelings for those kids, but other parents can make such a difference in making those kids feel seen and valued. When my son saw me next, he knew I had seen the videos my friend sent and I'd be sure to praise him or comment on them. We can help by making connections with other parents.

So what you are saying is that you went out of your way to connect with other parents to help stay in the know and DEMONSTRATE your interest and love to your child, and you DEMONSTRATED your love and interest to your child by asking about and praising and commenting on the special events…and we’re all horrible and lack understanding for sympathizing with OP, who is mourning the fact that she DIDN’T HAVE A MOM LIKE YOU.

Got.
It.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have showed up to EVERYTHING for my children, from big things like concerts, to small things like to serve hot chocolate at Polar Express Day in kindergarten. My oldest, 13, showed me a Tik Tok of a little boy at at awards ceremony scanning the room for one of his “people”, looking forlorn, but then beaming when he eyes his mom. Suddenly I was flooded with emotion and was back in high school, at the ONE event my mother showed up to that made me feel so guilty, probably to this day.

My mother prioritized work, and never showed up to anything. My father came to one award ceremony in 2nd grade, and I remember him being so happy to be there. I also remember him picking me up from school the day I threw up in class. He was glad to be there, or at least made me feel that way. My mother made me feel like every normal childhood need that interrupted her work was an inconvenience. I felt it to my core. So you can imagine my surprise when, senior year, I look out at the crowd during a random band concert assembly for the school and see my mother! Oh no! She took time off work for *this*? Maybe I was projecting, but when I walked her to her car afterwards, I got the impression she was expecting something “more” and that she had wasted her lunch AND breaks (she made a point to tell me she was there because she was giving up both). I was so embarrassed and guilty, and to this day, it is palpable.

What is this? What is this feeling I’m experiencing?

I love how so many people are missing the main points of the OP. OP isn't saying she felt bad because her mom couldn't come to things. She specifically notes that her dad only came to a couple of things but his attitude made her feel so loved. Meanwhile, OP's mom made her feel ashamed of having normal childhood needs. Op wasn't happy to see her mom at an event, she was horrified at how disappointment her mother would be by it, and it sounds like her mother played right into that role.

OP, I'm with the poster who says they wish they could travel back in time and punch your mom in the face for how she acted. Shame on her. She made you feel like you were a bother. You weren't; you were a child. I hope you find healing by treating your kids the way you deserved to be treated.