What is this feeing I experience from a memory of my mother?

[Anonymous]

The language of giving up breaks and lunch makes me wonder what type of job your mother had. Was she punching a clock or in some type of job with limited flexibility.

Yes clearly this triggered a feeling in you and those feelings are real. But also, what do you think was going on with your mother? Having empathy and compassion for our often highly imperfect parents is really hard but also in the end frees you up from the bad feelings. It can at first feel like you're giving them something (empathy and compassion) that possibly you think they don't deserve, but you're really giving it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. Sadness, shame, and guilt. It's a form of neglect, and it still hurts. I've been in therapy for a thousand years, and I definitely had to learn that I can't change how they behaved, and that they will likely say "I did the best I could" (Which is lousy) or "That's how everyone was at that time" which is also not true.

I'm sorry you are having these feelings.

Many parents can’t take time off work to see things in the middle of the day. This is far from neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

12:04 here. I'm 58. Parents coming to school events was absolutely a thing. I grew up in the rural midwest. Most families either farmed or worked in factories - my family farmed. School events were always in the evenings and on weekends. My father told me that if I was any good, the school would make arrangements for me to participate, he had other things to do. My mother supported him. His 'thing' was drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even 40 and my mom told me that when I was a toddler/preschooler that dads didn't come to birthday parties. They were held in the middle of the day with kids and SAHMs present. I think she was telling me this because she didn't approve of my dh being so involved in our kids' lives. She's also jealous of my dh and felt like her place as #2/grandma was usurped by his involvement. She wanted to be the one who stayed with me in the hospital while I gave birth. Strange stuff back then. I can't believe my dad wasn't at my birthday and he didn't throw a fit about being excluded.

I'm sorry OP. I think this was just your mom being a jerk AND being a product of her time. I go to all my kids stuff, but it's also heartbreaking because there's 1-2 kids who have nobody and they often either cry (preschoolers) or are really upset about it (elementary aged).

So what’s preventing you from putting aside the virtue signally, faux “heartbreak” and forming relationships with these families and kids so that they feel someone IS cheering them on during these events? We pinch hit at a lot at events for families who don’t have the flexibility we do, and the kid knows we are there cheering for them, and we send videos and the like to the parents. It’s a win all around. It makes our school and activities such better places - everyone has each others kid in their interests.

I didn't say that I wasn't doing that. At the elementary aged classes I am taking pictures of them, clapping and asking them questions about their models/posters too. In the preschool age? They're sobbing and have to be taken out. They don't want a strange mom talking to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

Wow, that’s not at all true. I’m 50 and parents coming to events was absolutely a thing.

+1

My parents came to pretty much everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

Are you daft? Most women at that time did not work outside the home, so not only was parents coming to school events “a thing,” it was a big thing, and the mothers were very involved.

Also, OP, it is very normal for you to experience things that make you think of childhood and ruminate. That is totally normal. I highly recommend talking to a therapist, and exploring the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” I’m sorry that your mother let you down, and I’m sorry your father did, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

Wow, that’s not at all true. I’m 50 and parents coming to events was absolutely a thing.

Our moms came because they SAH. A lot of dads were never there, mine wasn't. Work was a lot less flexible back then that it is now, for working moms and dads. I can see not being able to take the time on a whim having been a problem back then, for those who worked.

My mom worked all different shifts as a nurse. It wasn't simple for her to get off work but she was often available and almost always made it to my things. My dad had an office job with lots of flexibility and could take a few hours off here and there whenever he needed to.

I guess it depends on the job.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. My parents never came to anything, either. My dad was absent, and my mom was just horribly self-absorbed. I learned to do a lot for myself and to never expect anything, which in many ways served me well. But when I became a parent I realized what I didn’t get and had to grieve that in order to be a decent parent to my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

Wow, that’s not at all true. I’m 50 and parents coming to events was absolutely a thing.

Our moms came because they SAH. A lot of dads were never there, mine wasn't. Work was a lot less flexible back then that it is now, for working moms and dads. I can see not being able to take the time on a whim having been a problem back then, for those who worked.

My mom worked all different shifts as a nurse. It wasn't simple for her to get off work but she was often available and almost always made it to my things. My dad had an office job with lots of flexibility and could take a few hours off here and there whenever he needed to.

I guess it depends on the job.

Well, no shit. If my mom has to miss lunch and reschedule breaks then she obviously had a hard time dropping everything to run to school. That seems to have been the main issue that maybe a 13 yr old can't comprehend but a 50 year old should have been able to figure out by now.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many people in this area of the country trashing their moms and their students’ moms?
There are no perfect moms, only real moms.
OP, I’m sure your mom expressed love in a different way.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I get it. DH and I love going to all of DC’s activities, even the away games that are more than an hour away.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your mom had a horrible boss but could not quit as money was scarce and was stressed about being yelled at or threatened with being fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 50, you should not dwell on some past childhood issues. For most of us who are 50, parents coming to events was not a thing.

Are you daft? Most women at that time did not work outside the home, so not only was parents coming to school events “a thing,” it was a big thing, and the mothers were very involved.

Also, OP, it is very normal for you to experience things that make you think of childhood and ruminate. That is totally normal. I highly recommend talking to a therapist, and exploring the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” I’m sorry that your mother let you down, and I’m sorry your father did, too.

another proof that many Americans can't envision different cultures. In Europe in the 70 and 80 moms worked and parents came to nothing. And yes, in most of Europe that was the case.