Post Divorce Relationships

[Anonymous]

DCUM,

I got divorced a year ago, and I’ve been dating a sweet and kind person that also recently divorced.

We are exclusive and for the most part, the relationship is lighthearted. We text all day, joke around, watch movies, hang out with friends, hit up Costco. Nothing super intense. We don’t have a TON of things in common, but enough for us to feel emotionally & physically attached. Sometimes our differences are significant, and other times our differences are what keeps the relationship interesting.

…Which brings me to my point. He recently told me he will not marry anyone with kids. I’ve got 2 kids and he has 1.

I’m not looking for marriage NOW… but someday, I’d like to be married again. I’m 41. I would love to be married at 47 or 48. So obviously that’s a ways away.

In the meantime, I’m struggling with my boyfriend’s firm position on not marrying anyone with kids.

I don’t want to marry anyone any time soon. I love my bf but I’m not head over heels. It’s a sweet, loving, simple relationship. Do I end the relationship because our ultimate goals don’t align?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation about this. Does he want to get married eventually but to someone without kids? Does he not want to get married at all before his kids are grown? Do you know why he doesn't want to marry someone with kids (e.g. he doesn't want to blend families, he doesn't want to support another man's kids)? Is this his way of saying he doesn't want to marry you in particular or that the type of light, low-key relationship you have now is all he wants?

Why do you want to get married? What do you want out of marriage that you wouldn't get from staying in the relationship but unmarried (shared home, shared finances, the symbolic status, legal protections & responsibilities)?

Unless you examine questions like these and know the answers, you cannot know if this is a truly irreconcilable difference in relationship goals or things that may be reconciled with time (e.g. marriage after kids are grown; with a prenup; a committed, live-together relationship with some sharing of resources and obligations but no legal marriage, etc.). You're better served sorting this out now before spending more time in a relationship that may never become what both of you want

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

Personally if someone I was exclusively dating told he won't marry someone with kids knowing that I have kids, I would take that to mean he will not marry me. At 41 I wouldn't have time for crap like that.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He told me, if it wasn’t for my kids, he would want to marry me. He doesn’t want the struggle that comes with blending families. His son is almost 18 and mine are 8 and 10. I’m torn between “enjoying the moment” but also thinking of the future…

[Anonymous]

OP - are you feeling taken advantage of? Realizing that you’d like the possibility of marriage with him? Or just want to know you’re wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

Personally if someone I was exclusively dating told he won't marry someone with kids knowing that I have kids, I would take that to mean he will not marry me. At 41 I wouldn't have time for crap like that.

This. Even though I would not want to get married again, it's not something I would announce on a date and expect the person to accept it and keep going. If he knows you want to get married again someday, and he specifically told you that he will not marry someone with kids knowing you have kids, he's effectively telling you he won't marry you. So, staying with him would greatly compromise your values and would be a blow to your self-esteem. Who needs that?

On a separate note, why do you want to get married again? Second marriages with blended families generally end up miserable. Why not just date and enjoy your kids, friends and freedom?

[Anonymous]

Break up. Nobody wants an unenthusiastic stepfather, not even when they are adults. He will be constantly dragging his feet and complaining about the time you spend with your children and future grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He told me, if it wasn’t for my kids, he would want to marry me. He doesn’t want the struggle that comes with blending families. His son is almost 18 and mine are 8 and 10. I’m torn between “enjoying the moment” but also thinking of the future…

what exactly is sweet and kind about this man? I'm not seeing it.

He told you that he won't marry you. The reasons almost don't matter. If you want marriage eventually, he is not the one for you.

[Anonymous]

I guess if I want to eventually get married again, I should only date men who say they also want to get married?

I’m so incredibly new to dating. In fact I’ve only had a handful of relationships. My marriage lasted 16 yrs. I just don’t know how to balance the need for a light hearted relationship in the present with a long term goal of getting married again.

I equate marriage with safety, stability, security. But I’m also terrified of marriage given the hell I went through in divorce. So ultimately I’m just confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess if I want to eventually get married again, I should only date men who say they also want to get married?

I’m so incredibly new to dating. In fact I’ve only had a handful of relationships. My marriage lasted 16 yrs. I just don’t know how to balance the need for a light hearted relationship in the present with a long term goal of getting married again.

I equate marriage with safety, stability, security. But I’m also terrified of marriage given the hell I went through in divorce. So ultimately I’m just confused.

How could your marriage last 16 years if you got divorced at 40? Were you married at just 24? No one at that age gets married in their early 20’s now? Of course, you’re divorced if this is true. I’m older than that and I knew to never, ever get married at such a young age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if I want to eventually get married again, I should only date men who say they also want to get married?

I’m so incredibly new to dating. In fact I’ve only had a handful of relationships. My marriage lasted 16 yrs. I just don’t know how to balance the need for a light hearted relationship in the present with a long term goal of getting married again.

I equate marriage with safety, stability, security. But I’m also terrified of marriage given the hell I went through in divorce. So ultimately I’m just confused.

How could your marriage last 16 years if you got divorced at 40? Were you married at just 24? No one at that age gets married in their early 20’s now? Of course, you’re divorced if this is true. I’m older than that and I knew to never, ever get married at such a young age.

+1
And now she wants to marry again. Woman, take care of your kids and stop trying to be married all the time. You haven’t even been divorced for long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if I want to eventually get married again, I should only date men who say they also want to get married?

I’m so incredibly new to dating. In fact I’ve only had a handful of relationships. My marriage lasted 16 yrs. I just don’t know how to balance the need for a light hearted relationship in the present with a long term goal of getting married again.

I equate marriage with safety, stability, security. But I’m also terrified of marriage given the hell I went through in divorce. So ultimately I’m just confused.

How could your marriage last 16 years if you got divorced at 40? Were you married at just 24? No one at that age gets married in their early 20’s now? Of course, you’re divorced if this is true. I’m older than that and I knew to never, ever get married at such a young age.

How is this even remotely helpful? Do you have a time travel machine she can borrow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if I want to eventually get married again, I should only date men who say they also want to get married?

I’m so incredibly new to dating. In fact I’ve only had a handful of relationships. My marriage lasted 16 yrs. I just don’t know how to balance the need for a light hearted relationship in the present with a long term goal of getting married again.

I equate marriage with safety, stability, security. But I’m also terrified of marriage given the hell I went through in divorce. So ultimately I’m just confused.

How could your marriage last 16 years if you got divorced at 40? Were you married at just 24? No one at that age gets married in their early 20’s now? Of course, you’re divorced if this is true. I’m older than that and I knew to never, ever get married at such a young age.

How is this even remotely helpful? Do you have a time travel machine she can borrow?

How is it helpful that she wants to remarry and can’t seem to be without a spouse. It is apparent she has very poor judgment and her children are still so young. This is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess if I want to eventually get married again, I should only date men who say they also want to get married?

I’m so incredibly new to dating. In fact I’ve only had a handful of relationships. My marriage lasted 16 yrs. I just don’t know how to balance the need for a light hearted relationship in the present with a long term goal of getting married again.

I equate marriage with safety, stability, security. But I’m also terrified of marriage given the hell I went through in divorce. So ultimately I’m just confused.

I think you need clarification. If you've been in a bad marriage, then you understand that while marriage can provide safety, stability and security, it can also provide chaos, instability, and insecurity. Maybe you like the idea of marriage, but not the reality? Second marriages with kids are always harder than first marriages because you have divided loyalties and conflicting priorities. Being a strong, single woman with a great group of girlfriends and a man who you can take or leave is going to give you more safety, stability, and security than marriage. Marriage is risky, especially later in life.

[Anonymous]

Yes I did get married at 24. I agree, I was super young. My current relationship is only my 3rd relationship as an adult.