Post Divorce Relationships

[Anonymous]

OP, I have read your updates.

Move on.

Your goal is marriage.

And he is saying he won't marry someone with kids? If he said, "I won't marry someone until her youngest kid is 18" that's one thing. But someone who has kids, period? It's hopeless. Move on.

And from now on, if your goal is marriage, DO NOT waste a year dating someone before having a DTR. Discuss in the first month or two what your dating and relationship goals are. personally, I have that convo before I have sex with him. I make sure we have discussed exclusivity and what we are both looking for and make clear I am not interested in dating for casual sex or relationships. I mean some guys lie but a lot don't. Have that convo in the first few months of dating.

ALso, you mentioned cultural differences. That's a pain.

Tell him you need to date other people because you are looking for a serious relationship that has the potential to lead to marriage. Then do NOT have sex with him anymore.

If he misses you, he can always come back and express more serious intentions. Though don't let him waster too much time. A year is enough.

Date others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He told me, if it wasn’t for my kids, he would want to marry me. He doesn’t want the struggle that comes with blending families. His son is almost 18 and mine are 8 and 10. I’m torn between “enjoying the moment” but also thinking of the future…

Hmm.

Sounds like he knows his limits, of care and caring for kids.

But what a rude comment, true or ruse: I’d marry you now if not for XYZ (your children).

And did you say you DONT have much in common. Hmm.

I said we don’t have a ton in common. But certainly we have things in common. We have differences in our upbringing that makes things interesting and also sometimes challenging. He immigrated here as an adult and I did not.

Does his name start with letter V?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right. I feel pressure due to my age. I am 41 and I feel like the pool of marriageable men will shrink a lot as I get older. I’d say that’s the greatest source of my anxiety. My age. But I just have to take things a day at a time and not worry about being old and gray by myself someday.

You’re right. Don’t waste time on men who don’t want to marry you. Even if you accept the relationship for what it is, he’s telling you he may move onto someone.

As a PP said, if he’s that interested, he’ll work hard to get you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Guys, I’m human. I’m confused. I literally don’t know how to date. I’ve only known marriage and I understand that I married at a relatively young age. I love my boyfriend- just saying we are not like a 99 percent match. More like 75%.

I’m not saying I want him to marry me. I just thought he held it as a possibility in his mind. I saw myself potentially marrying him, depending on how our relationship grew. I’m not nuts- I don’t want to rush into marriage. I like the idea of being married in my late 40s, which is like 7 years away.

OP, you are a 0% match. You hope to marry again. He does not want to marry you. Break up! It can be hard to break up when things are nice and comfortable, but ultimately, you don’t want the same things.

Your age is a valid concern. The pool does shrink. That’s another good reason not to keep dating someone you know doesn’t want to get married. There is nothing wrong with hoping to be married again. Live, date, tell your circle you’d like to meet someome. Fill your life with as much positivity and joy as you can, keep your children first. Ignore the ugliness on this thread (probably one or two bored people with sock puppets) and know that it’s ok to want what you want. Strengthen your friendships and consider that it may not happen. Find a way to be ok with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids are the same age as yours. I get that some men are up front about blending families or wanting to be with someone without kids.
He really said “ if it wasn’t for your kids, I would want to marry you”? Thats such a rude way to say something about your girlfriend’s young kids. the way he framed it is not kind at all. To you or your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can kind of see his point. He's basically done with the day-to-day parenting and now he can be free and not tied down with young kids. I'm in a similar position, as my kid is in high school and my boyfriend has young kids. I don't especially want to start over and parent his kids now that I'm so close to the finish line. I get my freedom in four years, freedom to live wherever I want and travel and maybe not work full time. My BF doesn't want to remarry anyway so at some point we'll break up.

I'm sorry but this probably isn't going anywhere long term for you, or at least not to marriage.

Op here. We are in a similar situation. You wrote “at some point we’ll break up.” I guess that’s what’s new to me in the world of dating. In your situation- when will you pull the trigger to break up?

[Anonymous]

I won’t get married again . No way.

Blending kids, putting what I’ve had to rebuild from divorce, biased court system, losing freedom and dealing with someone else’s bratty kids? No thanks.

I “might” consider it if she’s younger and doesn’t have or want kids. I don’t want to marry some older single mother and inherit her issues. Plus there’s the issue of once again putting my hard earned stuff at risk and losing it again.

Way I see it, modern relationships are more about being casual and just doing your thing. I won’t be tied down to one partner anymore as I was and missed out on better people. Being in a committed marriage got me nothing in the end except for lawyers fees, loss of half of what I worked for and not being able to see my kids every day. So there’s no benefit

[Anonymous]

Late to this thread, but I would move on. We can talk all day about wanting something casual, not wanting to get married, etc. but when you know a relationship is going to continue to grow, it sours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He told me, if it wasn’t for my kids, he would want to marry me. He doesn’t want the struggle that comes with blending families. His son is almost 18 and mine are 8 and 10. I’m torn between “enjoying the moment” but also thinking of the future…

WTF. His son is an adult. Your BF sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won’t get married again . No way.

Blending kids, putting what I’ve had to rebuild from divorce, biased court system, losing freedom and dealing with someone else’s bratty kids? No thanks.

I “might” consider it if she’s younger and doesn’t have or want kids. I don’t want to marry some older single mother and inherit her issues. Plus there’s the issue of once again putting my hard earned stuff at risk and losing it again.

Way I see it, modern relationships are more about being casual and just doing your thing. I won’t be tied down to one partner anymore as I was and missed out on better people. Being in a committed marriage got me nothing in the end except for lawyers fees, loss of half of what I worked for and not being able to see my kids every day. So there’s no benefit

Op here. I feel like I should be writing and saying everything you just said, PP. But I have this Polly Anna-ish belief that marriages are good, that they are a blessing from God, and that they are worth striving for again. Not right now, for me, but eventually… like before hitting 50…

[Anonymous]

OP you need more time and experience post divorce. I think with time the urge for a re-run will disappear.

If you’re dating an immigrant there are more issues ahead of you than just kids etc. Likely he may want to go home at some point as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP you need more time and experience post divorce. I think with time the urge for a re-run will disappear.

If you’re dating an immigrant there are more issues ahead of you than just kids etc. Likely he may want to go home at some point as well.

You are right. I need more time. I lack experience and it hasn’t been long since divorce. I’m still figuring things out…