Unreasonable to ask spouse who is not a planner to meal plan?

[Anonymous]

I am the organized one / planner in the
marriage and take on the lions share of laundry, tidying, kids logistics, financial planning, scheduling repairs, etc. I care more about these things and making sure they get done right so am fine taking these on. But I also have a big job and can't do it all. I hate grocery shopping and cooking and my spouse likes to cook so agreed to take this on. The problem is spouse prefers to shop a little bit at a time as they go / as it occurs to them and there is never any plan for meals for the week and it's always a surprise whether there's any food in the fridge. Our kids come home hangry from aftercare and I'm hangry after a long day of work, and spouse will just kind of improvise dinner. This is stressful to me and I've asked for a more regular routine- plan out meals for the week, substantial grocery run once a week with opportunity to add things to a list before, clean old food out of fridge once a week. I recognize cooking is HARD so I don't care where meals come from - all prepared food? Fine. Meal delivery? Fine. The current (lack of) system is just too chaotic for me. Spouse seems to think this is an unreasonable ask - is it?

[Anonymous]

I think it's not unreasonab le but it is unlikely to succeed. Not everyone needs a weekly plan-- that's unique to you and not your spouse's problem. Lots of people are fine with an every-few-days plan.

I would push some other things onto your spouse instead, or lean heavy on Trader Joe's frozen food.

[Anonymous]

If food is getting made, and people are getting fed, yes, your request is unreasonable. If you want to manage the project, manage the project. If you want him to handle it, let him handle it.

Maybe you can be responsible for making sure there are healthy snacks available, if hangriness is an issue? That way, you'll always have something/know it's there, and he can make meals in a way that works for him.

If meals aren't getting made, that's a different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the organized one / planner in the
marriage and take on the lions share of laundry, tidying, kids logistics, financial planning, scheduling repairs, etc. I care more about these things and making sure they get done right so am fine taking these on. But I also have a big job and can't do it all. I hate grocery shopping and cooking and my spouse likes to cook so agreed to take this on. The problem is spouse prefers to shop a little bit at a time as they go / as it occurs to them and there is never any plan for meals for the week and it's always a surprise whether there's any food in the fridge. Our kids come home hangry from aftercare and I'm hangry after a long day of work, and spouse will just kind of improvise dinner. This is stressful to me and I've asked for a more regular routine- plan out meals for the week, substantial grocery run once a week with opportunity to add things to a list before, clean old food out of fridge once a week. I recognize cooking is HARD so I don't care where meals come from - all prepared food? Fine. Meal delivery? Fine. The current (lack of) system is just too chaotic for me. Spouse seems to think this is an unreasonable ask - is it?

of course it is not unreasonable.
your spouse needs to grow up and behave like an adult.
and yes, that involves food shopping, meal planning, cooking, and cleaning up daily for themselves, the house and the kids. once kids are older they will actively teach the kids how to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's unreasonable of you. Let him get food to his hungry family his way. As long as it's healthy, so what? Growing up my parents went shopping for food once a week. My grandparents went every 2-3 days. Guess what? I now go shopping every 2-3 days.

[Anonymous]

Anyone "who is not a planner" needs to go see a therapist or exec functioning coach asap and put in place systems that work for them and their shortcomings.

That or don't get married or have kids. They create chaos and setbacks.

[Anonymous]

Do Blue Apron or Hello Fresh.

Your spouse may still miss a few steps or ingredients but maybe the meal kids, picture directions, etc. will help them.

Frankly, after a few weeks of that they may know some favorite recipes by then. Then you can cancel and just Walmart order delivery the ingredients weekly.

But grocery shopping DAILY with kids is a WASTE OF TIME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's not unreasonab le but it is unlikely to succeed. Not everyone needs a weekly plan-- that's unique to you and not your spouse's problem. Lots of people are fine with an every-few-days plan.

I would push some other things onto your spouse instead, or lean heavy on Trader Joe's frozen food.

My FIL loves to go to the grocery store. Takes him 1 hour a day on the way home from work, he often needs two trips a day. But always makes sure to come back with an oversweet 50% off grocery store pie to get everyone fat on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's unreasonable of you. Let him get food to his hungry family his way. As long as it's healthy, so what? Growing up my parents went shopping for food once a week. My grandparents went every 2-3 days. Guess what? I now go shopping every 2-3 days.

exactly, in japan they go daily on the way out of the train subway station. plus their homes and fridges are so tiny.

just do that op. like retirees in Europe or moms in Japan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If food is getting made, and people are getting fed, yes, your request is unreasonable. If you want to manage the project, manage the project. If you want him to handle it, let him handle it.

Maybe you can be responsible for making sure there are healthy snacks available, if hangriness is an issue? That way, you'll always have something/know it's there, and he can make meals in a way that works for him.

If meals aren't getting made, that's a different issue.

sounds like he doesn't understand that his kids return from daycare hungry. Not wanting to watch dad go leisurely grocery shopping because he can't plan ahead or prep a meal the night before or cook all on the weekend and just reheat it. kids have smaller tummies, need to eat healthy and at 5-6pm, and go to bed at 7-8pm. not wait on dad to work his magic at 1/5th the speed of a normal person.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP’s ask is unreasonable. But I don’t think the spouse will change. It is reasonable to say “dinner should be on the table by X:XX time every evening.” I don’t know how you operationalize it. Maybe force spouse to take hangry kids with him to every grocery run.

[Anonymous]

If food is getting on the table, then yes it's unreasonable It's his responsibility how it gets there, as long as it gets there and is reasonably healthy and palatable.

If the issue is you and the kids are hangry and he doesn't throw dinner on until you get home, THAT is a reasonable issue. That doesn't mean he has to meal prep for the week and plan a menu. Someone people aren't into that.

It could mean you make a plan that dinner, in whatever form, will be on the table by 7 PM. If your schedule varies, it could mean texting him 30 minutes before you leave, so he has time to get food ready.

If it's a matter of needing snacks or light meals for you and the kids to be in the fridge when you are peckish, but don't need a full meal, then you discuss solutions for that. It could be you adding special snacks and prepared foods to his grocery list. It could be asking him to make one or two big batches of something (soup, pasta, roasted veggies, meats, whatever) that will keep in the fridge for the week to be picked at and then can be thrown into a stir fry on Friday (you can volunteer to be the clean out the fridge person).

[Anonymous]

The person doing the cooking and the shopping gets to do the job however they want, as long as the family’s needs are met. If needs aren’t being met, some changes are in order. It seems like your spouse should shop as frequently or infrequently as they want to and make decisions about what to serve for dinner the day of, if that’s what they want — but only if they maintain a minimum daily food supply and have dinner on the table no later than an agreed upon time. Sit down together and negotiate an agreement on the details of those parameters and then leave the logistics to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's unreasonable of you. Let him get food to his hungry family his way. As long as it's healthy, so what? Growing up my parents went shopping for food once a week. My grandparents went every 2-3 days. Guess what? I now go shopping every 2-3 days.

exactly, in japan they go daily on the way out of the train subway station. plus their homes and fridges are so tiny.

just do that op. like retirees in Europe or moms in Japan.

Lol, or like Americans like me who live in a city and don't have a car and can only carry so much home on the train. I never buy more than three bags of food - one tote on the shoulder, and one bag in each hand. I buy three servings of fish Saturday mornings, then buy one more serving of fish Tuesdays because then we can eat it all within 24 hours of buying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP’s ask is unreasonable. But I don’t think the spouse will change. It is reasonable to say “dinner should be on the table by X:XX time every evening.” I don’t know how you operationalize it. Maybe force spouse to take hangry kids with him to every grocery run.

I agree. He can do it his way as long as dinner is ready on time. As the person who does the vast majority of food related tasks in our family I would not appreciate being micromanaged BUT I don’t enjoy a hangry family