I can’t stop being sad about this relationship dynamic

[Anonymous]

When dh and i met, we both had career plans and he was starting an mba.
After marriage, dh did not get anywhere near the traction he wanted work wise. I made tracks and worked my way pretty far up the corporate ladder and now make about 4x his salary.
The problem is I’m exhausted and so tired of the pressure. Dh’s ambition has totally waned so if we want to downsize we’ll need to move and pull the kids out of school etc etc.
I’m sure I’ll get flamed but I can’t help feeling sad that I’ll never get to wake up in the morning and know that someone else is the one with work on their plate that day; that someone else is being ambitious and moving things along and that I don’t need to worry. It makes me SO sad and to the point where I am depressed about it.
I am in therapy but I cannot shake this feeling and I’m not sure if it’s possible. Do I need to get divorced? Not sure what to do.

[Anonymous]

Are there other problems that point you to divorce? Also, why the drop in his ambition, is he a pot smoker?

[Anonymous]

You’ve posted this before. You need to go somewhere else for an answer.

[Anonymous]

How many times are you going to post about this?

[Anonymous]

Is your DH not working at all? Is he being a SAHD? Or is he working and just not at a high level career or pay equal to yours? Are things like emergency days, sick days and dr appts covered by him or you or split equally?

[Anonymous]

Are you not saving any money? You should not have to sell your home just because you switch to a job with better WLB.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to what it has always felt like to be the breadwinning male.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with DH about downsizing? What he say? That sounds like the best option here because you are unlikely to be financially better off or better for your kids divorced as long as he is pulling his weight enough financially that there is not a net loss (or gambling away, addictions). But my guess is that you are not attracted to this less ambitious version of DH any more - so why move the kids, give up the nice house, and still be married to someone you aren't attracted to anymore? If that rings true for you, explore that more in therapy. What else attracts(ed) you to DH and can you rekindle that? Would you be ok leaving just because you aren't attracted to him anymore?

[Anonymous]

So you feel you could have married a rich man. If you could have, you would have. You didn’t for a reason—likely because no rich man wanted you. I have the same thoughts, but I say to myself, there is nothing you could have done differently. I worked with the cards I was dealt. Do I wish I was born beautiful and from upper class family that paved the way for marrying a rich surgeon (a couple of my friends have this), yes! But that was not my reality. I was born low caste (we are immigrants) and pretty but nothing remarkable looks. So I married a man who was honest and hard working but not high earning. I don’t regret it, but it does sting at times that I have to work so hard because he doesn’t make much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many times are you going to post about this?

Troll has no plans for the three day weekend.
Most of the OPs right now are troll posts.

[Anonymous]

Downsize, divorce or suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to what it has always felt like to be the breadwinning male.

not lost on me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times are you going to post about this?

Troll has no plans for the three day weekend.
Most of the OPs right now are troll posts.

Op - am not a troll and have only posted about this once before about a year ago.
I can't imagine this is that rare of an issue no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked with DH about downsizing? What he say? That sounds like the best option here because you are unlikely to be financially better off or better for your kids divorced as long as he is pulling his weight enough financially that there is not a net loss (or gambling away, addictions). But my guess is that you are not attracted to this less ambitious version of DH any more - so why move the kids, give up the nice house, and still be married to someone you aren't attracted to anymore? If that rings true for you, explore that more in therapy. What else attracts(ed) you to DH and can you rekindle that? Would you be ok leaving just because you aren't attracted to him anymore?

op - this is the crux of it.
it's actually even less about the money than part of attraction being that someone is somewhat ambitious. doesn't even have to be so financially driven - but just - driven to do something more.
when we met he had a million things he did and wanted to do and now it's like they're just... gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you feel you could have married a rich man. If you could have, you would have. You didn’t for a reason—likely because no rich man wanted you. I have the same thoughts, but I say to myself, there is nothing you could have done differently. I worked with the cards I was dealt. Do I wish I was born beautiful and from upper class family that paved the way for marrying a rich surgeon (a couple of my friends have this), yes! But that was not my reality. I was born low caste (we are immigrants) and pretty but nothing remarkable looks. So I married a man who was honest and hard working but not high earning. I don’t regret it, but it does sting at times that I have to work so hard because he doesn’t make much.

not exactly... I hear you though.
i dated SO MANY people, some of them earned a lot, some of them were more creative types. I never think 'if i could have married a rich man, then I would have'. I think, like many many women, I could have gone down a few different paths and some of them probably more pragmatic - and some probably less!
dh was by far the funniest and the one who seemed most in tune with actual human emotions.
I think I was too trusting that his spoken ambition was reality/ would persist.