Would you be annoyed or am I being overly sensitive? *vent*

[Anonymous]

I had surgery Friday morning to remove a tumor (non cancerous) in my breast under general anesthesia. I have not had surgery other than wisdom teeth taken out and I have never been under GA before. DH picked me up from the hospital, we got home, and I napped until about 1 pm.

At 3 pm he picks our kids up from the bus stop and brings them home. He then announces his intentions to walk to the pharmacy to pick up my pain meds and the grocery store to pick up some ginger ale and cheerwine. When I start to ask him to get something for dinner, he says well I’m walking there so I can’t carry anything else. I’ll turn around and drive back if I have to. I suggest that maybe he drive there and it’s not the best time to walk (which I can tell you he has NEVER walked to this shopping center- it’s a 15 minute brisk walk) but he says since he’s been at the house while I’ve been napping he hasn’t been able to get his steps in for the day. I am clearly annoyed at this point but I can’t exactly stop him.

So, he walks there. He is gone for TWO HOURS while I have the kids. They are mostly outside playing but I am recovering in bed and they come to bug me every time there is a problem. He finally gets home and I’m like, wtf took so long???! And he tells me he also got a haircut while he was up there, and there was a really long wait. At this point it’s like 6 pm, there is no dinner plan, and I end up reheating leftovers from the night before while he goes and shoots the breeze with the neighbors for another 30 mins. Doesn’t even bother to heat up my food when I tell him I guess I better go eat those leftovers. At one other point I ask for an ice pack for my breast and he literally brings me a five pound hello fresh ice pack- like what am I supposed to do with that?

I am so irritated. Like- seriously dude? You can’t just spend one day skipping your step count? You have to wait an hour for a haircut while I’m post surgery with two kids at home?

I am so annoyed. And maybe sensitive but I am so frustrated right now.

[Anonymous]

That is absolutely ridiculous and inconsiderate. It seems deliberate. Does he not understand that you would have liked to be able to recover and rest? I’m dumbfounded.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, he really dropped the ball. What kind of man can't carry pain meds (I don't know what cheer wine is?) and dinner? When he brought you a bag of ice I'd have immediately said "No, an ice PACK - like the ones that go in kids lunch boxes" and not let him give me the ice bag.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

[Anonymous]

In the beginning of the post I thought you were being a little controlling. I would have just told my husband “I’m resting in my room, get us dinner one way or the other,” and I would have ignored him and the kids while I rest and leave him to do it however he sees fit.

However, I also know that my husband would have been responsible and done that without me telling him to. You have developed the dynamic in your marriage where your expectations are too low and your husband doesn’t even bother meeting them. This could be for any number of reasons, but that’s where you are. I would get marriage counseling because this kind of inconsiderate behavior is actually very serious and impacts your quality of life a lot.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pretty furious.

And it's yet another example of why I think MAYBE 20% of men are actually equipped to be a partner and parent. What a d!CK.

[Anonymous]

Omg a haircut? I thought I had it bad after my c-section when DH took about an hour to bring Tylenol and ended up bringing baby Tylenol instead. English is his second language and he said he thought it was the right one because I just had a baby lol

[Anonymous]

What a selfish douche.

[Anonymous]

Very inconsiderate, seemingly intentionally so. I would be livid. Who cares about your effing steps dude.

[Anonymous]

A lot of men have reflexive, defensive selfishness like this. He spent part of the morning taking care of you and that was literally all he had in him.

The next thing that will happen is he will develop an injury or illness.

Not even kidding, be prepared for him to cheat and/or divorce you if you get cancer.

[Anonymous]

That’s why I love being divorced. In this case the kid would be at my ex’s, I would grab ice from a strategically placed ice chest, and order in my food. Heaven!

[Anonymous]

When kids were hungry, you should have told them to go ask Dad for food. Sorry for your day and hope you heal well.

[Anonymous]

I’d be very annoyed. Now you know you need to clearly state his responsibilities beforehand - he will be in charge of kids (feeding, driving, whatever they need) until ______. If he needs to get steps in; no problem, take kids with you! Bonus, they can help carry something home.

[Anonymous]

My DH isn't the greatest at managing the day-to-day but he's great in a crisis. Rises to the occasion, becomes selfless and wonderful, etc etc. I just went through something similar and it's almost funny how competent he suddenly becomes. Don't get me wrong, it's a great quality, but if your DH is good at the day-to-day but lousy in a crisis, maybe that's OK. If he's lousy at the day-to-day AND in a crisis, not okay.

Also, take into account that he may have been channelling his anxiety. After one of my recent procedures my DH felt compelled to reorganize our bookshelves. We are academics so there are a LOT Of books. I thought it was weird at first but then I realized he just needed some way to keep busy for a while.

Also OP, you didn't *have* to get up and heat up leftovers, right? You or your DH could have just ordered pizza or DoorDash, right?

[Anonymous]

WTF!? What kind of partner does that? I have no doubt this isn't the only time he's been unreliable and indifferent to his responsibilities. Now that you see him for who he is, you need to decide what you're going to do. If you want to continue the marriage, counseling at a minimum.