Would you be annoyed or am I being overly sensitive? *vent*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

It doesn't work either. Then they feel you are too controlling and cheat on you or become passive aggressive. Basically these men are not marriage material and will screw you over one way or another

[Anonymous]

He spent part of the morning taking care of you and that was literally all he had in him.

+1. The need to walk 15 min to the store (when he's never done this before) smacks of "I'm so overwhelmed that I need a break". After 1/2 day of caring for kids solo?

Also who in their right mind drops in for an unscheduled haircut (requiring a wait!) while their spouse is home in bed recovering from surgery with two kids present?

It's pretty stunning. And no OP you are not overreacting. I'm really sorry and hope you're recovering OK.

[Anonymous]

PP; I just read that this was a school day and he picked kids up at 3 before going MIA for his haircut.

In our house this would be a CTJ talk and counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

+1 men need management

[Anonymous]

Wow, he’s being a jerk. I’d definitely wonder what else is going on.

[Anonymous]

Wow that is pretty bad

[Anonymous]

Thank GOD I am single.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Unless this was very unusual I’d prepare for divorce, unless he apologizes profusely and takes direction better in the future.

There is only one possible good explanation, which is that he was so worried about you that he could not cope. My BFF’s husband (who is a really wonderful guy and they generally have a very strong relationship) did all kinds of odd things when she was first dealing with breast cancer because he was basically unable to cope with the thought of her illness. He came back to earth eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH isn't the greatest at managing the day-to-day but he's great in a crisis. Rises to the occasion, becomes selfless and wonderful, etc etc. I just went through something similar and it's almost funny how competent he suddenly becomes. Don't get me wrong, it's a great quality, but if your DH is good at the day-to-day but lousy in a crisis, maybe that's OK. If he's lousy at the day-to-day AND in a crisis, not okay.

Also, take into account that he may have been channelling his anxiety. After one of my recent procedures my DH felt compelled to reorganize our bookshelves. We are academics so there are a LOT Of books. I thought it was weird at first but then I realized he just needed some way to keep busy for a while.

Also OP, you didn't *have* to get up and heat up leftovers, right? You or your DH could have just ordered pizza or DoorDash, right?

Guess what- he is a grown ass man and needs to be competent in the day-to-day AND a crisis. The fact that he has shown you that he is competent in a crisis tells you the real truth- he knows how to be competent all the time. If he isn't competent all the time, he's weaponizing his incompetence and using your low expectations of him against you.

Don't let men get away with this sh#$, ladies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank GOD I am single.

Oh please. There are many men who are great partners.

[Anonymous]

Im so sorry. I hope you recover soon. I agree your husband was an a$$ and avoidant?

[Anonymous]

Not overly sensitive. I could see this happening in my house too. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men have reflexive, defensive selfishness like this. He spent part of the morning taking care of you and that was literally all he had in him.

The next thing that will happen is he will develop an injury or illness.

Not even kidding, be prepared for him to cheat and/or divorce you if you get cancer.

There is truth in this. Some men get angry (though they would never express it in a way that is recognizable as anger) at any expectation that they caretake, and they will, perhaps subconsciously, try to flip the script so you are taking care of them.

I think it stems from internalized beliefs about masculinity and femininity that the don't even acknowledge they have.

[Anonymous]

Some men view their wives as a really useful household appliance. Your job is to silently and flawlessly complete household drudge work, and if you break and need a repair he will only feel frustration and annoyance that his life became less convenient. I wish you the best OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

It doesn't work either. Then they feel you are too controlling and cheat on you or become passive aggressive. Basically these men are not marriage material and will screw you over one way or another

+1, though mine would not cheat on me. But that kind of direct instruction enrages him. He will immediately pick a fight with me.