Would you be annoyed or am I being overly sensitive? *vent*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

This. He's the man you married and then had two kids with. This can't possibly be the first time he's acted like this. So you can either change your expectations or leave. Don't expect to change him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s why I love being divorced. In this case the kid would be at my ex’s, I would grab ice from a strategically placed ice chest, and order in my food. Heaven!

I'm glad you enjoy your time away from your children. Maybe OP doesn't want to leave hers in the hands of her incompetent husband half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH isn't the greatest at managing the day-to-day but he's great in a crisis. Rises to the occasion, becomes selfless and wonderful, etc etc. I just went through something similar and it's almost funny how competent he suddenly becomes. Don't get me wrong, it's a great quality, but if your DH is good at the day-to-day but lousy in a crisis, maybe that's OK. If he's lousy at the day-to-day AND in a crisis, not okay.

Also, take into account that he may have been channelling his anxiety. After one of my recent procedures my DH felt compelled to reorganize our bookshelves. We are academics so there are a LOT Of books. I thought it was weird at first but then I realized he just needed some way to keep busy for a while.

Also OP, you didn't *have* to get up and heat up leftovers, right? You or your DH could have just ordered pizza or DoorDash, right?

This is a good point, maybe OP's husband was worried his wife would die and he needed to take some time. Of course that doesn't excuse any other behavior, but it's something worth considering. Do you guys ever talk about your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

+1 men need management

If they pulled this crap at work, they’d be fired. This is weaponized incompetence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH isn't the greatest at managing the day-to-day but he's great in a crisis. Rises to the occasion, becomes selfless and wonderful, etc etc. I just went through something similar and it's almost funny how competent he suddenly becomes. Don't get me wrong, it's a great quality, but if your DH is good at the day-to-day but lousy in a crisis, maybe that's OK. If he's lousy at the day-to-day AND in a crisis, not okay.

Also, take into account that he may have been channelling his anxiety. After one of my recent procedures my DH felt compelled to reorganize our bookshelves. We are academics so there are a LOT Of books. I thought it was weird at first but then I realized he just needed some way to keep busy for a while.

Also OP, you didn't *have* to get up and heat up leftovers, right? You or your DH could have just ordered pizza or DoorDash, right?

This is a good point, maybe OP's husband was worried his wife would die and he needed to take some time. Of course that doesn't excuse any other behavior, but it's something worth considering. Do you guys ever talk about your feelings?

My DH is exactly like this - overwhelmed with anxiety during crisis. After many years of disappointment, I just began managing around him to take care of myself. When I had a mastectomy, I had a girlfriend stay and come to the hospital with me and take care of me. We have a good marriage otherwise and he is a great dad, he just absolutely sucks in crisis/when I am down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery Friday morning to remove a tumor (non cancerous) in my breast under general anesthesia. I have not had surgery other than wisdom teeth taken out and I have never been under GA before. DH picked me up from the hospital, we got home, and I napped until about 1 pm.

At 3 pm he picks our kids up from the bus stop and brings them home. He then announces his intentions to walk to the pharmacy to pick up my pain meds and the grocery store to pick up some ginger ale and cheerwine. When I start to ask him to get something for dinner, he says well I’m walking there so I can’t carry anything else. I’ll turn around and drive back if I have to. I suggest that maybe he drive there and it’s not the best time to walk (which I can tell you he has NEVER walked to this shopping center- it’s a 15 minute brisk walk) but he says since he’s been at the house while I’ve been napping he hasn’t been able to get his steps in for the day. I am clearly annoyed at this point but I can’t exactly stop him.

So, he walks there. He is gone for TWO HOURS while I have the kids. They are mostly outside playing but I am recovering in bed and they come to bug me every time there is a problem. He finally gets home and I’m like, wtf took so long???! And he tells me he also got a haircut while he was up there, and there was a really long wait. At this point it’s like 6 pm, there is no dinner plan, and I end up reheating leftovers from the night before while he goes and shoots the breeze with the neighbors for another 30 mins. Doesn’t even bother to heat up my food when I tell him I guess I better go eat those leftovers. At one other point I ask for an ice pack for my breast and he literally brings me a five pound hello fresh ice pack- like what am I supposed to do with that?

I am so irritated. Like- seriously dude? You can’t just spend one day skipping your step count? You have to wait an hour for a haircut while I’m post surgery with two kids at home?

I am so annoyed. And maybe sensitive but I am so frustrated right now.

Genuine question - do you see the problem with your statement and then your reaction to your husband's response to your statement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are disappointed that this is who he is, kind of clueless and self absorbed. However, I bet you already knew he was like that.

I suggest with guys like him that you just directly tell him what you need him to do, specifically and in detail, don't ask just tell him. The mistake you made was letting him use his own judgment when you probably already knew his judgment is often lacking. At a time such as you recovering from surgery there is no room for him screwing things up so don't give him the opportunity.

Here is an example: "No, this not a good time to walk to the store. I need my meds right away and I need you to fix or buy dinner. Go get my meds and dinner now. After that if you want to go for a walk you can do that once the kids are settled."

It may take a little time for you both to adjust to this dynamic but ultimately you will both be happier. You will get what you need from him and he won't feel stupid for needlessly screwing things up.

It doesn't work either. Then they feel you are too controlling and cheat on you or become passive aggressive. Basically these men are not marriage material and will screw you over one way or another

Yeah, well, OP already married and had children with him, so...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank GOD I am single.

Oh please. There are many men who are great partners.

This. My reaction was thank GOD I'm married to an amazing man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who drinks cheer wine??

Cheerwine is delicious. The question is who wants to carry a 12-pack, or even a 2 liter of soda while walking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who drinks cheer wine??

Cheerwine is delicious. The question is who wants to carry a 12-pack, or even a 2 liter of soda while walking?

This is not heavy. You sound weak and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who drinks cheer wine??

Cheerwine is delicious. The question is who wants to carry a 12-pack, or even a 2 liter of soda while walking?

This is not heavy. You sound weak and lazy.

Yes, I'm very lazy, you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men have reflexive, defensive selfishness like this. He spent part of the morning taking care of you and that was literally all he had in him.

The next thing that will happen is he will develop an injury or illness.

Not even kidding, be prepared for him to cheat and/or divorce you if you get cancer.

Sorry, waiting in a hospital waiting room and picking kids up from. School should not be that emotionally taxing to a grown man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s why I love being divorced. In this case the kid would be at my ex’s, I would grab ice from a strategically placed ice chest, and order in my food. Heaven!

+1 million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update:

We divorced and it was finalized last month. For a million reasons I’m grieving, and it sounds so ridiculous, but I truly think this is the day my marriage died and there was no going back. I just couldn’t do it all on my own, anymore.

The bad news is that I’m alone. The good news is I don’t have to constantly anticipate being left in my times of most need (which, was a recurring theme).

No, it wasn’t just this incident. But I think this literally was the one that broke the camels back.

(Hugs). You did the right thing. It truly is better to be alone than to have expectations and hopes that your spouse will be there for you when you need it and be disappointed time and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who drinks cheer wine??

Cheerwine is delicious. The question is who wants to carry a 12-pack, or even a 2 liter of soda while walking?

That's why he should have driven . . . and not gotten a haircut . . . and picked up dinner . . . and . . . anyway, that's all ancient history.

OP, thanks for the update. It will be an adjustment, but you've got this. You were likely doing it all anyway. Team OP!