Son asked me if I work odd hours to avoid him

[Anonymous]

We have two children and I work odd hours part-time so I can take care of my younger son who isn't in school yet. I like the flexibility it gives me. Keep in mind in the summer months I am a sahm for 5 out of 7 days. I take them to the pool, playground, etc PT works best for me as DH isn't hands-on at all with any of the housework and other kid stuff. I work (3) 8-hour shifts per week. I work two shifts on Saturday so I only see them for maybe an hour on Saturday morning. Then I go in half of the day on Sunday I.e. 8-4 pm or 4-11 pm shift. I still have Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Friday with my 7-year-old. We have one hour before school 7:45 am -8:45 am and then 4:30-8 pm so 4.5 hours on all five days. I am feeling mom guilt because my job isn't high-paying as a part-time social worker but it does help supplement things. I also enjoy my work.

[Anonymous]

Sad. Just tell him the truth about money.

[Anonymous]

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I work PT odd hours as well. I work every Friday from 4pm-1am plus four other shifts a month. The timing varies.

I focus on telling my kids that I need to take care of sick people (which I’m guessing you do too…sounds like you are a social worker in an emergency room).
The other thing that helps is that they have a special routine with DH every Friday night. DH’s brother comes over, they get takeout, and they watch a movie and/or play video games. It’s kind of a fun special thing that they get to do.

[Anonymous]

Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

[Anonymous]

I think he is probably comparing it to the schedule of other parents off on the weekend. Does he have games or something he wishes you could attend?

Maybe have a standing "date" with him for 1:1 time that works with your work schedule. It sounds like he would like to feel a bit more connected?

7 is an age when they compare a lot to other families. He thinks of the weekend as when his friends/classmates hang out with parents, for the most part. Maybe someone even said that to him, teasing?

Do what works best for you, OP, and make a point to spend time with him alone regularly.

I'd also have a standing date with DH once or twice a month, sometimes with other couples. It can be easy to kind of fall into parallel lives. The basis of the family is a strong marriage.

When the little one is older maybe try a different schedule.

[Anonymous]

I had a mom like this. It is what it is. My mom worked the night shift and would sleep most of the day. I don’t think you need to do anything else.

I did wish I was in daycare though. I didn’t have a lot of friends as a kid and was an only child. My mom did that schedule to avoid daycare.

[Anonymous]

I’d just say those hours are when your job needs you, and remind him that the work is important and you are helping people etc.

TBH sometimes kid just say things like this without thinking, and don’t mean it the way you think. IMO. Unless this has been an ongoing issue (brought up several times or signs he genuinely feels he doesn’t have enough time with you)- I’d leave it at that.

When my kids were that age, they were jealous of the kids who went to school aftercare. It hurt my feelings at the time LOL (they don’t like spending time with me?!) but it wasn’t exactly a deep thought on their end- really it was just that aftercare seemed fun and had better snacks. haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

I think they both are sad when I'm not home at bedtime because they like sleeping with Dh and I. We have been watching mini-movies before bed. I'm sure it's more than that. Also, I think Dh has been stressed. He's not as patient with them and I think they sense that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

I think they both are sad when I'm not home at bedtime because they like sleeping with Dh and I. We have been watching mini-movies before bed. I'm sure it's more than that. Also, I think Dh has been stressed. He's not as patient with them and I think they sense that.

Yeah. I was wondering if your husband was trying to have “downtime” on Saturday while simultaneously taking care of two little kids.

This schedule sounds kind of brutal for him, especially if he doesn’t have a lot of friends or family around to hang out with.

I love my kids, but I wouldn’t want to spend every Saturday and half of Sunday solo parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

I think they both are sad when I'm not home at bedtime because they like sleeping with Dh and I. We have been watching mini-movies before bed. I'm sure it's more than that. Also, I think Dh has been stressed. He's not as patient with them and I think they sense that.

So, then my advice is that DH may need a new ritual/connection point with them.

Ideally, one parent should be enough when the other is absent.

It might also help to work with the kids to behave better for dad at this busy time.

Long shot - there are stuffed animals that house recordings. You could maybe record a message on a stuffie and give that to your kids to cuddle when you are not there. Some kids really like those toys.

[Anonymous]

Why is this a whole thing? The appropriate answer is, "No, of course not!" You could add "I love spending time with you" if you want. Then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

I think they both are sad when I'm not home at bedtime because they like sleeping with Dh and I. We have been watching mini-movies before bed. I'm sure it's more than that. Also, I think Dh has been stressed. He's not as patient with them and I think they sense that.

Yeah. I was wondering if your husband was trying to have “downtime” on Saturday while simultaneously taking care of two little kids.

This schedule sounds kind of brutal for him, especially if he doesn’t have a lot of friends or family around to hang out with.

I love my kids, but I wouldn’t want to spend every Saturday and half of Sunday solo parenting.

I was thinking the same. Working all week and then parenting solo for most of the weekend, every weekend, would be tough. And a bit lonely, depending.

OP Does DH has family/friends with kids that he sees? Planned activities (soccer practice etc) or things he does with the kids? Trips to the zoo, children’s museum etc? When worn out from the workweek, it would be really easy to fall into a pattern of letting the day get away. Might be useful to hire a sitter for a few hours- or some sort of camp or drop off activity that lasts a few hours- so DH can recharge his battery. Better to have a sitter for a few hours & a recharged dad the rest of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a whole thing? The appropriate answer is, "No, of course not!" You could add "I love spending time with you" if you want. Then move on.

Exactly. And give him a hug.

[Anonymous]

Ngl, this hurt my heart a bit. Even though I know you’re not trying to avoid him whatsoever, it’s just the most practical thing especially if you need the income your job provides.

If this is applicable to your situation: I’d explain to him that this is not AT ALL why you work when you do, and tell him that his little sibling needs Momma at home before they start school; just like he did before he started school.


If it’s a financial issue that you’re required to work, I’d avoid bringing that up. For me, personally—my parents never shared specific numbers but my Mother was ALWAYS stressed about cash and being able to pay bills and stressing about not “getting ahead”. And it.. honestly did not help my emotial issues whatsoever… it just made me confused, anxious, and depressed.