Son asked me if I work odd hours to avoid him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

Some people can afford "quality childcare" but they would rather do it themselves. It sounds straight toward me. She wants to work PT and this is the schedule that allows it. Lots of families do this.

Her husband is providing crappy childcare. If that's what they can afford, then that's understandable, but if she's doing it because she thinks that her kids, particularly her schoolage kid, being ignored all weekend is better than having her younger kid in daycare, she's wrong. If she worked full time days would it make up the difference so she could afford a high quality daycare, and be able to see both kids on weekends?

I say this as a former SAHM. I think SAH can have value for kids. But, not at this cost.

You sound dramatic. Their kids go to an activity each weekend day and watch TV. What do you expect high-quality weekend care to be anyway? You don't have enough information to say it's crappy childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

Some people can afford "quality childcare" but they would rather do it themselves. It sounds straight toward me. She wants to work PT and this is the schedule that allows it. Lots of families do this.

Her husband is providing crappy childcare. If that's what they can afford, then that's understandable, but if she's doing it because she thinks that her kids, particularly her schoolage kid, being ignored all weekend is better than having her younger kid in daycare, she's wrong. If she worked full time days would it make up the difference so she could afford a high quality daycare, and be able to see both kids on weekends?

I say this as a former SAHM. I think SAH can have value for kids. But, not at this cost.

You sound dramatic. Their kids go to an activity each weekend day and watch TV. What do you expect high-quality weekend care to be anyway? You don't have enough information to say it's crappy childcare.

OP says that one of the kids is too young for school, and that her DH isn't "hands on in any way".

The fact that it's a weekend is irrelevant. If you would be OK with a daycare provider who didn't interact with the kids in any way, then that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

Some people can afford "quality childcare" but they would rather do it themselves. It sounds straight toward me. She wants to work PT and this is the schedule that allows it. Lots of families do this.

Her husband is providing crappy childcare. If that's what they can afford, then that's understandable, but if she's doing it because she thinks that her kids, particularly her schoolage kid, being ignored all weekend is better than having her younger kid in daycare, she's wrong. If she worked full time days would it make up the difference so she could afford a high quality daycare, and be able to see both kids on weekends?

I say this as a former SAHM. I think SAH can have value for kids. But, not at this cost.

You sound dramatic. Their kids go to an activity each weekend day and watch TV. What do you expect high-quality weekend care to be anyway? You don't have enough information to say it's crappy childcare.

OP says that one of the kids is too young for school, and that her DH isn't "hands on in any way".

The fact that it's a weekend is irrelevant. If you would be OK with a daycare provider who didn't interact with the kids in any way, then that's fine.

Too young for kindergarten. She didn't say anything about the dad refusing to interact. You're making stuff up. It's sounds like he's not hands on with cooking or housework so she works PT because FT and the cooking and housework would be three jobs.

[Anonymous]

That schedule sucks and I would sit down with my husband to advise a better plan to meet the families need. Is it even with it to work? How old is the younger? What will happen when the youngest is in school full time? What is your ultimate goal with your career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That schedule sucks and I would sit down with my husband to advise a better plan to meet the families need. Is it even with it to work? How old is the younger? What will happen when the youngest is in school full time? What is your ultimate goal with your career?

She likes working. Would it be better that she did all of the sahm work 7 days a week? I think not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

I posted earlier in the thread that I work Friday evenings. I do this for a couple of reasons. First of all, I get paid more. Secondly, that shift is available. Third, working 8-4 means that I can neither get my kids off to school nor pick them up, so I would have to hire someone to do that.
Fourth, I think it’s good for DH to have solo time with the kids. When I worked during the school day, he was never alone with the kids.

I don’t work on a school night because DH wouldn’t have the kids do homework, and he is hit or miss about remembering to take them to their activities.

I don’t think her schedule is terrible. I do agree with another poster that OP needs a babysitter for a few hours and a scheduled activity for the oldest on Saturdays.

[Anonymous]

You should be careful that another adult isn't filling his head with BS. That's what it sounds like to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

I posted earlier in the thread that I work Friday evenings. I do this for a couple of reasons. First of all, I get paid more. Secondly, that shift is available. Third, working 8-4 means that I can neither get my kids off to school nor pick them up, so I would have to hire someone to do that.
Fourth, I think it’s good for DH to have solo time with the kids. When I worked during the school day, he was never alone with the kids.

I don’t work on a school night because DH wouldn’t have the kids do homework, and he is hit or miss about remembering to take them to their activities.

I don’t think her schedule is terrible. I do agree with another poster that OP needs a babysitter for a few hours and a scheduled activity for the oldest on Saturdays.

Op here. Both kids have scheduled activities on both days. The youngest is 3 and they go to the gym childcare on Saturday so dh can work out. They like it and the older one goes to dodgeball half of the time at the gym childcare. On Sunday during the day the youngest goes to a trampoline place and the oldest has a scheduled activity for a few hours. I take the oldest to another activity twice a week in the evenings. The youngest also is in preschool for 3 hours a few days a week.

[Anonymous]

What is the context, OP? Hard to tell if this is a random question from a mostly happy kid (just reassure in a matter of fact way) or a serious question from an unhappy kid (take a look at why he may draw that conclusion and make changes if needed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

I posted earlier in the thread that I work Friday evenings. I do this for a couple of reasons. First of all, I get paid more. Secondly, that shift is available. Third, working 8-4 means that I can neither get my kids off to school nor pick them up, so I would have to hire someone to do that.
Fourth, I think it’s good for DH to have solo time with the kids. When I worked during the school day, he was never alone with the kids.

I don’t work on a school night because DH wouldn’t have the kids do homework, and he is hit or miss about remembering to take them to their activities.

I don’t think her schedule is terrible. I do agree with another poster that OP needs a babysitter for a few hours and a scheduled activity for the oldest on Saturdays.

Op here. Both kids have scheduled activities on both days. The youngest is 3 and they go to the gym childcare on Saturday so dh can work out. They like it and the older one goes to dodgeball half of the time at the gym childcare. On Sunday during the day the youngest goes to a trampoline place and the oldest has a scheduled activity for a few hours. I take the oldest to another activity twice a week in the evenings. The youngest also is in preschool for 3 hours a few days a week.

I don’t know. I think you’re good, OP.
Hopefully your husband will come up with his own thing to do with his kids on Saturday evenings, and it will be kind of a fun thing instead of a hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you do a couple weekday evenings instead? Working 24 hours every weekend isn’t very family friendly. Before and after school time is full of getting ready, getting dinner, cleaning up etc. Do you ever go out or do fun things with your older son? It seems he just gets the drudgery hours and bedtimes - none of which are fun for kids.

I am also not sure why you say your husband isn’t hands on and doesn’t do kid related things or house things when he solo parents all weekend every weekend. He must be making them food - does he just leave all the dishes for you?

Most people would resent their spouse disappearing to work every weekend.

Agree, especially with the first paragraph. It seems like most of your interactions with your older kid are you telling him to do his HW, brush his teeth, go to bed, whereas he assumes you have a lot more "fun time" with the younger one. It's not just about how much time each parent spends parenting vs doing paid work, but also about how that time is spent. If there's any way to keep at least one weekend day free of work that would probably make a big difference to your kid. (And I hope I'd say the same thing is this was a dad posting.) As others noted, it also depends on how long this arrangement will last eg what will happen when younger kid starts school.

[Anonymous]

Those are bad hours for part time. You need at least one weekend day to focus on child that’s feeling abandoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should be careful that another adult isn't filling his head with BS. That's what it sounds like to me.

NP. That was my first thought when I read the OP. Like a complaining dad, or MIL. I have always worked FT, sometimes odd hours and none of my kids ever asked me a question like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two children and I work odd hours part-time so I can take care of my younger son who isn't in school yet. I like the flexibility it gives me. Keep in mind in the summer months I am a sahm for 5 out of 7 days. I take them to the pool, playground, etc PT works best for me as DH isn't hands-on at all with any of the housework and other kid stuff. I work (3) 8-hour shifts per week. I work two shifts on Saturday so I only see them for maybe an hour on Saturday morning. Then I go in half of the day on Sunday I.e. 8-4 pm or 4-11 pm shift. I still have Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Friday with my 7-year-old. We have one hour before school 7:45 am -8:45 am and then 4:30-8 pm so 4.5 hours on all five days. I am feeling mom guilt because my job isn't high-paying as a part-time social worker but it does help supplement things. I also enjoy my work.

"Son asked me if I work odd hours to avoid him"
Well do you? Is there a hint of truth? If so that is okay but accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be careful that another adult isn't filling his head with BS. That's what it sounds like to me.

NP. That was my first thought when I read the OP. Like a complaining dad, or MIL. I have always worked FT, sometimes odd hours and none of my kids ever asked me a question like that.

+2

ITA. Doesn’t sound like something a kid would generally ask. My DH works somewhat unusual hours and the kids have never thought much of it.