Son asked me if I work odd hours to avoid him

[Anonymous]

Could you do a couple weekday evenings instead? Working 24 hours every weekend isn’t very family friendly. Before and after school time is full of getting ready, getting dinner, cleaning up etc. Do you ever go out or do fun things with your older son? It seems he just gets the drudgery hours and bedtimes - none of which are fun for kids.

I am also not sure why you say your husband isn’t hands on and doesn’t do kid related things or house things when he solo parents all weekend every weekend. He must be making them food - does he just leave all the dishes for you?

Most people would resent their spouse disappearing to work every weekend.

[Anonymous]

I work 12s and spouse works 4-midnight. One of us is always home during the day and we only ever needed childcare from 345-630 8 days a month. We were so thankful during Covid and online learning then homeschool.
It is what it is

[Anonymous]

My kids say the same thing.
I tell them that this is when people need me, all kinds of people need to work evenings/weekends and I love spending time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

I think they both are sad when I'm not home at bedtime because they like sleeping with Dh and I. We have been watching mini-movies before bed. I'm sure it's more than that. Also, I think Dh has been stressed. He's not as patient with them and I think they sense that.

Yeah. I was wondering if your husband was trying to have “downtime” on Saturday while simultaneously taking care of two little kids.

This schedule sounds kind of brutal for him, especially if he doesn’t have a lot of friends or family around to hang out with.

I love my kids, but I wouldn’t want to spend every Saturday and half of Sunday solo parenting.

I was thinking the same. Working all week and then parenting solo for most of the weekend, every weekend, would be tough. And a bit lonely, depending.

OP Does DH has family/friends with kids that he sees? Planned activities (soccer practice etc) or things he does with the kids? Trips to the zoo, children’s museum etc? When worn out from the workweek, it would be really easy to fall into a pattern of letting the day get away. Might be useful to hire a sitter for a few hours- or some sort of camp or drop off activity that lasts a few hours- so DH can recharge his battery. Better to have a sitter for a few hours & a recharged dad the rest of the day.

How is that any different than parenting solo all week and working on the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your best to explain how your schedule helps the family.

Ask your son if there are things he'd like you to budget time for to do with him. Does he want you to see something you usually miss, like a Saturday soccer game?

Maybe come up with a new weekday end of day connection time? Bedtime reading of an older child's book?

Can you truthfully explain that you spent similar SAHM time with him when he was your younger child's age? That could help.

I understand why you want to keep your skills fresh. Flexible arrangements that perfectly fit in a dual-income HH's schedule can be hard to find.

I think they both are sad when I'm not home at bedtime because they like sleeping with Dh and I. We have been watching mini-movies before bed. I'm sure it's more than that. Also, I think Dh has been stressed. He's not as patient with them and I think they sense that.

Yeah. I was wondering if your husband was trying to have “downtime” on Saturday while simultaneously taking care of two little kids.

This schedule sounds kind of brutal for him, especially if he doesn’t have a lot of friends or family around to hang out with.

I love my kids, but I wouldn’t want to spend every Saturday and half of Sunday solo parenting.

I was thinking the same. Working all week and then parenting solo for most of the weekend, every weekend, would be tough. And a bit lonely, depending.

OP Does DH has family/friends with kids that he sees? Planned activities (soccer practice etc) or things he does with the kids? Trips to the zoo, children’s museum etc? When worn out from the workweek, it would be really easy to fall into a pattern of letting the day get away. Might be useful to hire a sitter for a few hours- or some sort of camp or drop off activity that lasts a few hours- so DH can recharge his battery. Better to have a sitter for a few hours & a recharged dad the rest of the day.

How is that any different than parenting solo all week and working on the weekend?

+1

Both parents are making sacrifices for the family, as a marital unit does. If it isn't working then it isn't working, but it's not like she is doing something selfish for herself. Check your assumptions on gender roles and stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

7 is old enough to understand money and daycare costs. Do him the favor of respecting his brain and explain it to him. He will respect you more in return.

[Anonymous]

I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but its all during the weekdays.

[Anonymous]

I work a corporate 9-5 and am the breadwinner in our family. I have mom guilt because my kids are in aftercare during the school year and camp in the summer. When they were in the daycare years, I felt mom guilt because they were in daycare. I feel mom guilt when I travel three times a year for work. I feel mom guilt when I forget it’s purple shirt day, or when my kids have to buy lunch at school because I was in a rush and didn’t have time to pack lunchboxes.

During covid, I had mom guilt because sometimes I would need to be on a conference call during one of the many “screen breaks” or over the designated “lunch time” during the virtual day. Or because sometimes I had a deadline to hit before we could play “after school”. Or because I didn’t have a dozen hula hoops to organize and execute a “virtual field day”.

I have mom guilt when I let them watch TV on a Sunday morning at the end of a two-week break that I have “Christmas Magicked” the hell out of so that I can dissociate and post on DCUM.

Do you know who has no mom guilt? My husband, who has spent the past two weeks working from home while I make magic and entertain the kids. I bet your husband feels no mom guilt either when he is at work during the week, and puts them in front of the TV on the weekends so he can get a break.

Point being, you’re probably going to have mom guilt regardless of what you do. The standards for mom, which are mostly self-imposed (with influence from Instagram and DCUM), are unattainable. Tell your kids you work those hours because those are the hours you need to work, and then move on. Or work with your DH to budget for childcare and switch your hours to weekday ones, but honestly, the mom guilt’s not going to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work a corporate 9-5 and am the breadwinner in our family. I have mom guilt because my kids are in aftercare during the school year and camp in the summer. When they were in the daycare years, I felt mom guilt because they were in daycare. I feel mom guilt when I travel three times a year for work. I feel mom guilt when I forget it’s purple shirt day, or when my kids have to buy lunch at school because I was in a rush and didn’t have time to pack lunchboxes.

During covid, I had mom guilt because sometimes I would need to be on a conference call during one of the many “screen breaks” or over the designated “lunch time” during the virtual day. Or because sometimes I had a deadline to hit before we could play “after school”. Or because I didn’t have a dozen hula hoops to organize and execute a “virtual field day”.

I have mom guilt when I let them watch TV on a Sunday morning at the end of a two-week break that I have “Christmas Magicked” the hell out of so that I can dissociate and post on DCUM.

Do you know who has no mom guilt? My husband, who has spent the past two weeks working from home while I make magic and entertain the kids. I bet your husband feels no mom guilt either when he is at work during the week, and puts them in front of the TV on the weekends so he can get a break.

Point being, you’re probably going to have mom guilt regardless of what you do. The standards for mom, which are mostly self-imposed (with influence from Instagram and DCUM), are unattainable. Tell your kids you work those hours because those are the hours you need to work, and then move on. Or work with your DH to budget for childcare and switch your hours to weekday ones, but honestly, the mom guilt’s not going to go away.

Also worth adding decades of gender roles largely controlled by men. Let’s not pretend gender roles are new and solely imposed by women today. (I have to clarify this, I doubt pp meant that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

[Anonymous]

What I'm hearing is that your DH's parenting is sub-par.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'm hearing is that your DH's parenting is sub-par.

This. Your older son is getting the short end of the stick here. You spend lots of time with your youngest during the day during the week, but your DH is phoning it in on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

Some people can afford "quality childcare" but they would rather do it themselves. It sounds straight toward me. She wants to work PT and this is the schedule that allows it. Lots of families do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see why he's sad. That schedule would make me sad too. Can you move the double shift to one weekday so the whole family can spend Saturday together? That's what I would do. I work PT too but it's all during the weekdays.

Op here. Not possible right now. The FT person works 8-4 pm Monday - Friday. I think during the holidays it's been hard because they don't have activities. On both Saturday and Sunday, they have an activity..not soccer or anything like that which I would attend. I am off Friday and Sunday evenings starting from 4pm..i may get a nanny cam so I can interact with them from my phone when they are watching TV..I know they watch a lot of TV when I am away. I take them out more than dh so I think they like that

Can I ask why you're doing this? If you can't afford quality childcare, then that's understandable, and you need to be honest about that with your kid.

Some people can afford "quality childcare" but they would rather do it themselves. It sounds straight toward me. She wants to work PT and this is the schedule that allows it. Lots of families do this.

Her husband is providing crappy childcare. If that's what they can afford, then that's understandable, but if she's doing it because she thinks that her kids, particularly her schoolage kid, being ignored all weekend is better than having her younger kid in daycare, she's wrong. If she worked full time days would it make up the difference so she could afford a high quality daycare, and be able to see both kids on weekends?

I say this as a former SAHM. I think SAH can have value for kids. But, not at this cost.