Trying to recover from cheating spouse but will never feel the same

[Anonymous]

I recently discovered my spouse of almost 20 years has been cheating (various levels, someone from work, engaging w/sex workers etc).

I'm disgusted and wanted to split but we have 2 children and it's terrible timing for them to go through a divorce. Therefore, we are seeing a therapist and trying to work through it.

However, I am finding myself disgusted with him. Realizing his values and morals suck, he's incredibly sneaky and has only put himself first in our marriage. This has all left me not wanting to be in his presence. And we both work from home.

Has anyone had success working through this? How is it possible to regain interest? I'll always love him but it's never going to feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Don’t you realize your kids will find out eventually? What are you teaching them about what they should do in a relationship? What they should put up with, how they should treat a spouse? Staying with him is doing your kids a huge disservice.

[Anonymous]

Put yourself first, OP.

You only have one life. Don't waste it.
This means that you shouldn't dwell too long on his behavior, because that will diminish the quality of your life, create resentment and pain. He is who he is. It's not your problem, apart from getting tested for STDs. In practice, you won't lift a finger for him any longer. You will build your career, care for your kids, go out with friends (possibly find a lover), and when you're financially ready... you can divorce. Or not, and have relationships on the side, if that's what you wish. Point is: you don't owe him anything at all, but you are looking out for your financial interests. Divorce can be expensive and contentious, so prepare wisely for it.

But first you have to detach from this person emotionally and consult a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to regain interest? He didn’t deserve you.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s uncommon for couples to truly come back from that level of deceit.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, having affairs with people at work AND engaging with sex workers suggests there is something deeply damaged about him. It wasn’t like a friendship that got out of hand or something. I would not stick around to see if he heals or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to regain interest? He didn’t deserve you.

+1

Who says you have to stay together + regain interest?? 😮

Your spouse betrayed you in the worst way that someone can betray you.
They lied & disrespected you to the max and it is completely normal to feel disgust when around him.

Personally I think the right thing to do in this circumstance is to leave him yesterday but you are saying now is a bad time to divorce.
(Is there ever a good time?)

Your children will be shocked and hurt at first….
But over time they will see that you had a very legit reason to leave your marriage and will admire your strength since it is not easy to leave after two decades.

But you have to.
Your resentment will progressively grow and every day for the rest of your life will surely be hell.

[Anonymous]

I always wonder when I read things like this why the two options are to regain a good relationship or divorce? Can you just live civilly for the kids and prepare for a divorce until the timing for a divorce is right? (although i would definitely divorce when the kids are little as opposed to adolescents)

I would absolutely not try to reconcile with someone like this. Of course it’s never going to be the same; you didn’t know who he was before and now you do. It should *not* be the same because what you had before wasn’t based in reality.

[Anonymous]

It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Thank you - I'm sorry you are also going through this. Feeling like you never truly knew the person you are married to and spent a big portion of your life with is such a horrible feeling. It's exactly how I feel.

Creating a separate life of my own and finding ways to make myself happy outside of the marriage is my focus. But since I agreed to try to work through this (again, this isn't the first time I've found something out), I am trying to be civil under the same roof. It's extremely difficult and I don't see this solution lasting very long. We also both work from home 90% of the time, so the constant time together is mentally draining.

[Anonymous]

Why must you “regain interest” in someone you cannot trust or respect? Can you just live separate lives in your home, as much as is practically possible? Do you have a guest room so you don’t have to share a bed? You can be civil and polite in his presence and in conversations around logistical stuff, etc. but I think you can put intimacy on the back burner until ready (if ever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Why is this much different than if you just divorced? Because then your kids would have two houses? I feel like it might be worse for kids to live in one house with that level of tension/hatred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Thank you - I'm sorry you are also going through this. Feeling like you never truly knew the person you are married to and spent a big portion of your life with is such a horrible feeling. It's exactly how I feel.

Creating a separate life of my own and finding ways to make myself happy outside of the marriage is my focus. But since I agreed to try to work through this (again, this isn't the first time I've found something out), I am trying to be civil under the same roof. It's extremely difficult and I don't see this solution lasting very long. We also both work from home 90% of the time, so the constant time together is mentally draining.

You said you recently discovered the cheating and now you say this isn't the first time...

[Anonymous]

OP - BTDT, first thing first - get your own therapist who will help you and support you and any decision making you want/need to make regarding your marriage. I too went through marriage counseling, thought it helped, long story short, things went back to the way they were before and I was miserable for many reasons but the biggest was the lack of trust. I divorced, scared to death about my future, self-esteem was killed by my X's affairs, but 5 years later I am happier than I've ever been. Are my kids affected, sure they are, but would they have been affected by if we stayed marriage and were miserable - I think so too. There is life on the other side of divorce. Get your ducks in a row financially before you pull the plug (if you do). Good luck and hugs to you.