Trying to recover from cheating spouse but will never feel the same

[Anonymous]

Sex workers is a whole different level of awful, OP. I’m wondering why you’re even wanting to regain interest.

[Anonymous]

Do you each have offices? I would move my bedroom into my office (or a separate space from him).

You need time to heal, you need time to think, you need time away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Thank you - I'm sorry you are also going through this. Feeling like you never truly knew the person you are married to and spent a big portion of your life with is such a horrible feeling. It's exactly how I feel.

Creating a separate life of my own and finding ways to make myself happy outside of the marriage is my focus. But since I agreed to try to work through this (again, this isn't the first time I've found something out), I am trying to be civil under the same roof. It's extremely difficult and I don't see this solution lasting very long. We also both work from home 90% of the time, so the constant time together is mentally draining.

You said you recently discovered the cheating and now you say this isn't the first time...

Yes - I meant "again" as in, this has happened before.. no reason for me to lie on DCUM

[Anonymous]

A ONS? Maybe. Continuous and with sex workers? No way. I have too much pride to ever stay with someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Husband sounds like a scumbag. Op were you guys having frequent sex and how weight did you gain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, having affairs with people at work AND engaging with sex workers suggests there is something deeply damaged about him. It wasn’t like a friendship that got out of hand or something. I would not stick around to see if he heals or whatever.

This right here. Take it from me, this is a character flaw that will never be fixed. A one off thing could possibly be a huge error in judgement, but multiple affairs and sex workers over the course of you marriage is who he is.

If you stay, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - BTDT, first thing first - get your own therapist who will help you and support you and any decision making you want/need to make regarding your marriage. I too went through marriage counseling, thought it helped, long story short, things went back to the way they were before and I was miserable for many reasons but the biggest was the lack of trust. I divorced, scared to death about my future, self-esteem was killed by my X's affairs, but 5 years later I am happier than I've ever been. Are my kids affected, sure they are, but would they have been affected by if we stayed marriage and were miserable - I think so too. There is life on the other side of divorce. Get your ducks in a row financially before you pull the plug (if you do). Good luck and hugs to you.

Thanks so much for this post. Friends have said the same - I will be OK eventually and likely happier. Twenty years is a long time and we have built a life together, so it's extremely scary to think of being on my own, including financially. I sacrificed my career years ago when we started a family and the thought of being on my own financially seems impossible. All of it is so overwhelming, while digesting the level of deceit and betrayal. I guess this, plus fear of how it will impact my kids today is why I've chosen to stay for the time being. But every day I wonder if I'm doing what is best..and I find it increasingly difficult to live with under the same roof.

But kudos to you!! It's great that you were strong and are now very happy - it is inspiring!

[Anonymous]

OP, another BTDT. Fully recovered, thought from one brief affair, not multiples. What is your DH doing to change himself? He is the one with a massive character flaw, not you. Surely you don’t think that couples therapy is going to help him develop integrity?

I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic. I have enormous sympathy for you. But cheaters think that they can blame their spouses for their problems and will try to sweep their own bad behavior under the rug. That is NOT a recipe for recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Thank you - I'm sorry you are also going through this. Feeling like you never truly knew the person you are married to and spent a big portion of your life with is such a horrible feeling. It's exactly how I feel.

Creating a separate life of my own and finding ways to make myself happy outside of the marriage is my focus. But since I agreed to try to work through this (again, this isn't the first time I've found something out), I am trying to be civil under the same roof. It's extremely difficult and I don't see this solution lasting very long. We also both work from home 90% of the time, so the constant time together is mentally draining.

I understand. Try to split the time you’re in the house. Maybe rent the office and see if he’ll agree to rotate in and out with you.

It’s ok to just let him have it once in a while too when the kids are gone. I have done that once or twice and it’s actually helped, he has apologized and I feel I got a small glimpse of what it would be like to be in this with some integrity.

It’s hard, OP. I’m sorry. Let yourself grieve and give yourself space. I think space and time do heal but it’s a slow process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Why is this much different than if you just divorced? Because then your kids would have two houses? I feel like it might be worse for kids to live in one house with that level of tension/hatred.

PP here. We have nice (family) times together sometimes. We rarely fight in front of the kids. Hard to say if two houses really would be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

+1. I sometimes reframe things to think about what I’d want my daughter to do in a the same situation. Would I want her to accept her husband treating her this way? It’s surprising how much bad behavior I’ll put up with but would not want my daughter to.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. NP in the same boat (well a step back really). I don’t know yet what DH want or if he even wants to try again, but I’m really struggling with the whole concept. I’ve spent half my adult life with him, i do stil love him, but i also hate him and can’t imagine ever trusting him again. I don’t see a clear path forward from here and i know every option is painful. Best of luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

+1. I sometimes reframe things to think about what I’d want my daughter to do in a the same situation. Would I want her to accept her husband treating her this way? It’s surprising how much bad behavior I’ll put up with but would not want my daughter to.

OP Yes - Exactly!! I have this thought on a daily basis. If my daughter was in my shoes, I would have told her to run in the other direction.

To the poster that says to split time in the house as I need time and space to heal, I've had this conversation with him. He understood and agreed to go into an office (he has one nearby that is an option).However that lasted a few days and he's slipped back into his comfort zone of working from home nearly every day. It's so hard seeing him carry on in the house everyday as if nothing ever happened and his life is just great.

Although I've agreed to try to stay together for the kids, every day takes major effort and I feel this will never get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. NP in the same boat (well a step back really). I don’t know yet what DH want or if he even wants to try again, but I’m really struggling with the whole concept. I’ve spent half my adult life with him, i do stil love him, but i also hate him and can’t imagine ever trusting him again. I don’t see a clear path forward from here and i know every option is painful. Best of luck to you OP.

'

Thank you. Yes, I feel exactly the same. Love him/hate him and will never trust him. Trying to push forward to do what is best for the kids but it's a constant struggle and I feel like life is too short. Best of luck to you too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

+1. I sometimes reframe things to think about what I’d want my daughter to do in a the same situation. Would I want her to accept her husband treating her this way? It’s surprising how much bad behavior I’ll put up with but would not want my daughter to.

OP Yes - Exactly!! I have this thought on a daily basis. If my daughter was in my shoes, I would have told her to run in the other direction.

To the poster that says to split time in the house as I need time and space to heal, I've had this conversation with him. He understood and agreed to go into an office (he has one nearby that is an option).However that lasted a few days and he's slipped back into his comfort zone of working from home nearly every day. It's so hard seeing him carry on in the house everyday as if nothing ever happened and his life is just great.

Although I've agreed to try to stay together for the kids, every day takes major effort and I feel this will never get better.

I would throw a major fit about this. He trampled all over your wellbeing in a way that you will never recover from, and he can't be bothered to change his routine for your sake?

Also, and this is not a judgment because I've never been in your shoes, but how do you reconcile what you would want for your daughter with staying together for her sake?