My Fiance told me yesterday that he wants me to move out
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Anonymous
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We have been in a relationship for the past 7 years and engaged for the past 9 months.
My Fiance has been acting cold and distant for a few weeks and has started making everything in our relationship about his needs while minimizing my needs. Long story short I have figured out that he has a dismissive avoidant personality type and has been inflicting emotional abuse that is typical of dismissive avoidant personality types upon me. Recently it has become difficult living together. He seems so agitated by everything including my existence. It's like he wants to continuing living life in its current state and just wants me to go away. We bought a home together in May 2023 for $560k. Currently I'd estimate our home to be worth about $575k. We split the mortgage with a 60/40 split, with him paying 60 percent and me paying 40. We split the utilities in half 50/50. Yesterday we got into an argument and he said that this relationship is not working for him and he said 'it would be great if you would just move out.' I asked him why he feels that I should move out and he says 'because that's how I feel and I want you to go.' I explained that I strongly disagree and that his request is not even right from an ethical perspective, especially since we bought the house together and have both been contributing towards it. After him being adamant that I move continued for a few minutes and me pushing back. He finally agreed that the best way to move forward is to sell the house. After our argument yesterday he gave me the silent treatment all day/night. Then this morning come over to my desk (work from home) and announces that he texted the realtor who helped us buy the house to see if he can help up sell it. I said that works for me. During this conversation I also asked him for his credit card to pay his portion of the utilities. i handle all of the payments and he uses his card to pay for his portion and I pay my portion from my bank account. He said he would prefer if I would just pay the utilities upfront and they he will give me 50 back. I said ok and now we are back to the silent treatment. I have two children (elementary & middle) from a previous relationship and he has two children (high school & young adult) from a previous relationship. My children just started school and I'm trying to figure out how to keep them in the same school system so I've looked at homes for sale and rent nearby but inventory is low and there aren't many options. I am not asking for relationship advice because I've come to terms that our relationship is over. I am currently in a state of shock and scrambling to figure out how to best move forward logistically. I'm dealing with some health issues that just started within the past couple weeks. Also, my check engine light came on a few days ago. So I need to juggle getting my health issues checked out, getting my check engine light diagnosed, figuring out how we are going to sell the house all while keeping my job and trying to find a new place to live. Has anyone else had their "Dismissive Avoidant" partner announce while in a long term relationship that they are done and want you to move out? I'm just trying to figure out what my next steps should be from here. |
Anonymous
| You just figure it out. Can you buy him out of the house and get a roommate to help cover the mortgage? Do you have a mechanic that offers a shuttle so you could drop your car off in the morning and get a ride too and from? For your health stuff make that doctors appointment. Times like these you just need to focus on the things that need to be done. |
Anonymous
You "figured it out"? Are you a psychologist or psychiatrist? Sigh. At any rate this is your next step: focus on doing whatever you need to do to protect the welfare of your children who are caught in the crossfire of this nonsense. |
Anonymous
LOL. That caught my eyes too. I don't even know what that means. |
Anonymous
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Sorry op. This really sucks. Let it be a lesson to others not to buy a house together until you are married and a guy who doesn’t propose until after 6 years is avoidant.
You are going to lose money on the sale of the house. That will eat up all to your equity plus some down payment. Be prepared for that. He sounds like a jerk. |
Anonymous
He’s probably having an affair. |
Anonymous
+1 Women need to not be so naive. |
Anonymous
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You own the house together. He has no more right to tell YOU to be the one to move than you do to tell HIM to be the one to move. So make it about the kids, becuase it IS about the kids. You are the one who has the younger children at ages where changing schools is more of an issue (academically and socially). Not that a move wouldn't mess with his high schooler; it would; but frankly it's going to be easier for one parent plus one HS age kid to find a place quickly than it is for one parent plus two kids at two different schools. Easlier for him and his HS kid to work out getting the kid to school than for you to work out getting two kids to two different schools. And all that is IF you were able to stay in the same school system catchment area. Changing schools should be an absolute no-go for all three kids, yours AND his, frankly, but the logistics will be simpler for one HS student (who maybe is driving and could drive him/herself to school, if outside the bus zone?) than for two elementary/middle students. And many school systems will make exceptions and keep a HS student at his or her current school if there is a family issue forcing a move out of the school boundary - your fiance needs to work NOW to inquire about that. High schools don't like to mess with students' last few years and he can make a case that his kid should stay at the current school. Do not move, OP. If you leave the house with the kids, he could change all the locks, put your stuff on the street, anything. Don't budge. He likely will try to make life hell until you leave, but I hope not. I would gather all the pertinent information about schools, look up some potential places where HE could move and keep his kid in that kid's same HS, and would find out very fast if you can start buying him out of the house. It's ridiculous for him to tell you to move out. And get a lawyer immediately. Try to find one with experience in property disputes between couples (unmarried) who co-own homes, because your fiance might decide to make the house a huge issue in any split. You don't need a divorce lawyer as much as you need a lawyer with experience in property disputes where both people are still living in the disputed property. |
Anonymous
Yep, or isn't having an affair but is done with the relationship and has been too big a coward to talk about it like a decent man would do, so instead he dropped a bombshell. But that's all moot now, as OP is done too. OP, don't go anywhere, you own the house together and he can't just order you and your children to leave it. Get an attorney yesterday. |
Anonymous
OK, granted, that's true. Now, what actual advice do you have for OP for right NOW? She can't undo the past and not buy a house with this man. |
Anonymous
| It is typical for people to also have health and car issues to deal with. That's just life. Anyone going through a divorce or separation also often has life issues to deal with as well. That's what makes it overwhelming. |
Anonymous
No one needs to move out just yet. They have to sell the house first and can start the kids in school without having to move them. It should be ok for the year. Hopefully they can split up the house for the months they need to sell it for. |
Anonymous
+1. A true dismissive-avoidant would have never been in a relationship for 9 years and wouldn't have bought a house with OP |
Anonymous
| A man is not a plan, especially without a ring. Sell the house and move on. |
Anonymous
It’s not an affair if they’re not married. Why did she wait so long to get married, and Wyatt Earth? Did you buy a house with him before getting married? Clearly, what happened, as they moved in together, and once they were living together he figured out that it wasn’t going to work for him long-term. OP needs to see if she can buy him out of the house. The house may be worth $575,000 now, but when you take into account the costs involved in selling (agent commission etc) OP and her fiancé would be lucky to net $530,000 if they sold it today. That’s the number OP should be working with. |