Frustrated that DH isn't more interested in looking for a new job

[Anonymous]

DH has been at his current company for 4.5 years. He's been in more or less the same role for that entire time. Prior to this job, he job hopped quite frequently (had three jobs where he was there for two years or less). Most of these job changes were for legit reasons (poor management, bad pay, changed fields).

He's been pretty happy with this job/company; it's 100% remote, he gets five weeks PTO, generally likes the work and people he works with. However, the one sticking point for him is the pay/lack of ability to move up. He's being asked to take on more work, but whenever he's asked about a raise, management always says "we'll reevaluate at the end of the year." He's typically received 4% raises and a 1-2% bonus every year. He believes that he's being underpaid by about $5-10K or so.

I'm the breadwinner in our house by about $15k. I'm a fed, and it's pretty unlikely that I'd be able to find a job that has a similar combination of salary and job security anywhere else, so I'm not changing jobs anytime soon. While we're fine on both of our salaries for now, we're currently TTC for kid #2. In addition to all the other kid related expenses, having a second kid means that we'll have to move out of our 3 bedroom house into something bigger (which has always been our plan). Basically, I'm starting to have some money anxiety.

DH has been talking broadly about searching for a new job, and I know he's applied to a few places, but he hasn't been attacking it with the same level of vigor that he's approached job searches in the past. I wonder if DH is just too comfortable at this role, and doesn't want to jump out of his comfort zone. He's admitted that since our daughter was born three years ago, and with Covid, he's become a bit less ambitious, and is less focused on work, and more focused on his family. I'm obviously happy about that and I love that he's an engaged Dad, and not working 80 hours a week, but I just do wish there was a way for him to keep this same mindset while making some more money. Am I wrong in feeling this way?

[Anonymous]

Kid #2 is way harder. 4.5 years and 100% remote means he doesnt have to stress that mucha nd 4% raise is not bad. Would you wather have $20k more and have him leave the house every day and come home exhausted at 5 pm? Read all the comments here about dads that stop working at 7pm and have no time for family.

[Anonymous]

I am not really following why you think having a second kid means you have to move out of your three-bedroom house. That's a perfectly reasonable size house for a family of four?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really following why you think having a second kid means you have to move out of your three-bedroom house. That's a perfectly reasonable size house for a family of four?

THANK YOU!

Sounds like he has a great and consistent gig with low stress.

"but I just do wish there was a way for him to keep this same mindset while making some more money. Am I wrong in feeling this way?.......so you want your cake and eat it too? Like he gets 5 weeks of PTO, is involved, is WAH and I assume does house stuff while working and you want him to just make more money but keep all those things the same?

Or do you want to not feel the pressure of being the breadwinner, which honestly its 15k. Its pretty equal IMO. Do you want to be able to "step back" while he steps up but still keeps all the things going that he is currently doing in his current job?

[Anonymous]

With two small children, I would not give up 100% remote, comfortable job that I liked with good coworkers, and 5 weeks (!!) PTO for $5-10k a year unless my financial straights were dire.

I also wouldn’t refer to myself as the “breadwinner” if I was making $15k more.

Honestly, you only have a leg to stand on if he makes like $35k and you make $50k. Then, yeah, you’re the primary breadwinner and $5-10k would make a big difference.

But if he’s making, let’s say, $85k to your $100k, then 1) stop calling yourself the breadwinner, you are both bringing in a substantial chunk of your HHI income 2) he would be crazy to give up those perks to go from $185k HHI to $190k or $195k 3) you can live on $185k! Adjust your spending and expectations. You’re in a fabulous spot, don’t rock the boat 4) if you really really want upward mobility YOU need to find a way to give up your fed perks and make more in the private sector. But I would advise against that.

[Anonymous]

In a million years, more kids or no, I would not give up a full time WFH job that is flexible and offers tons of vacation like this - especially not for $5k per year. NO CHANCE.

[Anonymous]

If you are a fed and he is in private sector/contractor/non-profit, it is probably easier for YOU to find ways to move up until you top out at GS-15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been at his current company for 4.5 years. He's been in more or less the same role for that entire time. Prior to this job, he job hopped quite frequently (had three jobs where he was there for two years or less). Most of these job changes were for legit reasons (poor management, bad pay, changed fields).

He's been pretty happy with this job/company; it's 100% remote, he gets five weeks PTO, generally likes the work and people he works with. However, the one sticking point for him is the pay/lack of ability to move up. He's being asked to take on more work, but whenever he's asked about a raise, management always says "we'll reevaluate at the end of the year." He's typically received 4% raises and a 1-2% bonus every year. He believes that he's being underpaid by about $5-10K or so.

I'm the breadwinner in our house by about $15k. I'm a fed, and it's pretty unlikely that I'd be able to find a job that has a similar combination of salary and job security anywhere else, so I'm not changing jobs anytime soon. While we're fine on both of our salaries for now, we're currently TTC for kid #2. In addition to all the other kid related expenses, having a second kid means that we'll have to move out of our 3 bedroom house into something bigger (which has always been our plan). Basically, I'm starting to have some money anxiety.

DH has been talking broadly about searching for a new job, and I know he's applied to a few places, but he hasn't been attacking it with the same level of vigor that he's approached job searches in the past. I wonder if DH is just too comfortable at this role, and doesn't want to jump out of his comfort zone. He's admitted that since our daughter was born three years ago, and with Covid, he's become a bit less ambitious, and is less focused on work, and more focused on his family. I'm obviously happy about that and I love that he's an engaged Dad, and not working 80 hours a week, but I just do wish there was a way for him to keep this same mindset while making some more money. Am I wrong in feeling this way?

Why do you need more than three bedrooms for a family of four?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a million years, more kids or no, I would not give up a full time WFH job that is flexible and offers tons of vacation like this - especially not for $5k per year. NO CHANCE.

+1. Your husbands situation sounds really ideal — assuming he uses his time off and flexibility to the overall benefit of your family. I’m a breadwinner wife whose husband’s flexible job has benefited both our family and my career tremendously. I’m so much better off (and our whole family is better off) for him not solely focusing on how to maximize his income.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the gut check from some of you. Regarding moving, we're in a small townhouse now, and we're probably going to run out of space, with DH WFH and needing an office, and wanting a yard for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a million years, more kids or no, I would not give up a full time WFH job that is flexible and offers tons of vacation like this - especially not for $5k per year. NO CHANCE.

+1. Your husbands situation sounds really ideal — assuming he uses his time off and flexibility to the overall benefit of your family. I’m a breadwinner wife whose husband’s flexible job has benefited both our family and my career tremendously. I’m so much better off (and our whole family is better off) for him not solely focusing on how to maximize his income.

+100. Not all of us are obsessed with climbing the ladder. And I'm pretty ambitious, fwiw. I would give my left arm for a job that is full-time WFH and pays well

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a perfect job for a Dad of a growing family.

An extra 5-10k won't mean much when he's gone 50 hours a week and miserable with coworkers he doesnt like.

Quality of life seems pretty high in this situation. I would not take that for granted

[Anonymous]

You don't need to move yet. Save and move later. Your house is a want, not a need, and babies don't need their own rooms.

Do you really want him in New Employee Good Behavior mode and learning a new job when you have a new baby? Or do you want him in a job he's comfortable in and has seniority?

If he's had some short jobs on his resume, a longer stint is important to balance that and make it clear he isn't a job hopper/failer. I would have him focus on laying the groundwork for a job search (network, rack up some accomplishments) but not actually switch for another two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the gut check from some of you. Regarding moving, we're in a small townhouse now, and we're probably going to run out of space, with DH WFH and needing an office, and wanting a yard for the kids.

I would just consider that $5k more isn't going to go far toward getting you a better house, but it will mean you need space for an extra car (assuming you're not near Metro), add in commuting costs, etc.

No one wants to be stagnant at work - it doesn't feel good and it's a great way to be frustrated. But I think for both of you, this sounds like a really good situation. It can't hurt to put out feelers and see what other opportunities might be out there if he did start really looking, that said - maybe you'd discover something great, or realize that actually what you've got is pretty great and you'll find a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

If you want to see what this situation could look like in a few years if your husband decides to leave his job of his own accord, check out the "DH pursuing a new job with harder logistics" thread that is also active right now. There is a massive benefit to your family from his flexibility that will be fully realized when you have two kids.