Frustrated that DH isn't more interested in looking for a new job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really following why you think having a second kid means you have to move out of your three-bedroom house. That's a perfectly reasonable size house for a family of four?

+1

It's fine to want a larger home, but it's definitely not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Concur with everyone else, your husband has a unicorn job (I have one too and it would take WAY more than 5-10k for me to consider changing). You can likely trade commute to get a larger house for a similar amount of money. But hey maybe that doesn't sound good to you, the commuter, and you realize that +500sqft might not be worth +6 extra hours a week in the car. Similar math to do with your DH. And if you do move out his flexible WFH job will make picking up kids from childcare WAY less stressful.

[Anonymous]

You want a new house. You don’t need a new house.

[Anonymous]

I get wanting a yard but seriously, it won't even help for another 3 years or so. You won't be able to send your oldest child out alone and your baby doesn't need a yard. Keep the house for awhile.

And having been through a toxic marriage and divorce, I'd say that having a happy and fulfilled husband that prioritizes our family life over his earning power (or worse, "earning potential"!) is priceless.

[Anonymous]

So a few thoughts

1. $5k before taxes is less than the annual cost of commuting, so a job in which he gives up WFH winds up being worse for your actual household finances. How much worse depends on other costs like dry cleaning, food, how many/how old vehicles you have, etc.

2. He needs to negotiate better in *this* job, because lack of good negotiation skills means he will continue to be underpaid wherever he is.

3. You will need a lot, lot more than $10k additional to make the jump from a townhome to SFH with yard in this area. I would delay this change as long as possible unless your oldest is about to start school in a horrific pyramid.

[Anonymous]

$5K after will not even cover the cost of maintaining a larger home and the taxes, dude.

[Anonymous]

Not to pile on, OP, because you sound like a nice person. But my DH makes 15k more than I do (125k to my 110k) and I would be SO annoyed if he called himself the breadwinner!

Another vote for sticking it out in the townhouse for at least a couple years after baby #2. We live in a row house with two kids and have worked mostly from home since Covid. We’ve been here almost 20 years, and it has never made financial sense for us to move. Now we’re only two years away from one kid going to college. I’m so glad we stuck it out.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has an absolutely great situation and if you are trying for a second child, you are really going to appreciate one of you being 100% remote. Would not be worth him having a second job unless the salary is at least $40-$50,000 more. I think you were being really short sighted and not appreciating the situation that you have. I also think you don’t understand what it means to have a second child because it’s much harder than having just one. You also don’t move need to move to another house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With two small children, I would not give up 100% remote, comfortable job that I liked with good coworkers, and 5 weeks (!!) PTO for $5-10k a year unless my financial straights were dire.

[/b]I also wouldn’t refer to myself as the “breadwinner” if I was making $15k more. [b]

Honestly, you only have a leg to stand on if he makes like $35k and you make $50k. Then, yeah, you’re the primary breadwinner and $5-10k would make a big difference.

But if he’s making, let’s say, $85k to your $100k, then 1) stop calling yourself the breadwinner, you are both bringing in a substantial chunk of your HHI income 2) he would be crazy to give up those perks to go from $185k HHI to $190k or $195k 3) you can live on $185k! Adjust your spending and expectations. You’re in a fabulous spot, don’t rock the boat 4) if you really really want upward mobility YOU need to find a way to give up your fed perks and make more in the private sector. But I would advise against that.

This

[Anonymous]

You aren’t “the breadwinner.”

[Anonymous]

I would definitely not leave his super flexible, high PTO job with baby #2 on the way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want a new house. You don’t need a new house.

OP doesn’t need a second child either. I can’t believe no one has pointed this out. All the issues are being caused by the costs of another child— if you don’t have another, all those costs go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a new house. You don’t need a new house.

OP doesn’t need a second child either. I can’t believe no one has pointed this out. All the issues are being caused by the costs of another child— if you don’t have another, all those costs go away.

+1. One and done here and it's no coincidence that my marriage and my financial situation seem to be the only ones in my friend group that are not stressed. Friend group ranges from federal employees to millionaire lobbyists/Big Law attorneys. It's an underrated option, especially in a high cost of living area.

Btw, I have plenty of challenges in life, not meaning to brag. But frankly the post above is the best response in the thread.

[Anonymous]

A few years ago, my husband had to decide between two jobs at the same employer. One was pretty flexible and paid about $50k (postdoc), one was more set hours and paid $55k (staff scientist). Obviously our income wasn't huge so I wanted him to follow the money, but he said with a substantial commute and our second kid coming, he thought the flexibility would be worth more than $5k.

HE WAS SO RIGHT. I am glad he didn't listen!

Don't give that up for such a small amount of money. It won't buy you a bigger house with a yard. (Although we are also in a 3 bedroom townhouse with a tiny yard and 2 kids, this is an awful time to be a buyer.)

[Anonymous]

We had two kids in two bedroom condo! Le horror!

We then moved to a 3 bedroom townhouse — which they loved and miss even though once we had a 3rd we needed a house.

In this climate a yard is a bit overrated. But I would prioritize having a SFH when kids are in elementary school and start play dates and such — townhouse parking and no yard does matter then. You might have to commute like many people do.

Your DH earning 4% annual raises will eventually pass your Fed salary, so better get ready to handover the Breadwinner crowd, and in private he can be promoted eventually without having to apply and interview like you.

Now if he wants to swing for the fences and try to double his salary or get a 50-70% pay bump, albeit likely with much less involvement as a father; that’s a reasonable plan if he is onboard. I am a Fed and wanted to do that to make my spouse able to go part time, but big leaps in salary are hard except in a few fields. And it sounds like he is not really onboard.