Frustrated that DH isn't more interested in looking for a new job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the gut check from some of you. Regarding moving, we're in a small townhouse now, and we're probably going to run out of space, with DH WFH and needing an office, and wanting a yard for the kids.

We lived in a small townhouse that sounds pretty similar and moved when my youngest was 2.5. Some of this was maybe the timing (late 2020) but the market around here is such that, assuming your townhouse is in a closer-in, more desirable location and you are willing to move a little further out from DC, you can probably sell your townhouse and use the equity to get something that is not a larger mortgage payment but is bigger. So money may not end up being the huge issue you think it is. I definitely had a massive panic about finances when pregnant with DC2 but we figured it out.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, I am a high level GS fed (sounds similar to you) and my husband is a law firm partner. I would 100 percent rather he had a set up like your husband’s despite the $ (he likes his job, so I try to be supportive but it’s caused a lot of friction in our marriage over the years). Having a second kid soooo increases the amount of stuff you have to deal with- doctors appointments, school stuff before you know it. And two different drop offs when one kid is in school is so much logistically difficult (even if you have a bus stop). Seriously don’t push him right now unless you desperately need the money. Being underpaid by $5 is really not a big deal compared to the perks you describe as long as he feels valued. Can you move further out to buy a bigger house for similar $? If he’s fully remote and you have any flexibility (most feds do, IME) maybe that’s a compromise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to see what this situation could look like in a few years if your husband decides to leave his job of his own accord, check out the "DH pursuing a new job with harder logistics" thread that is also active right now. There is a massive benefit to your family from his flexibility that will be fully realized when you have two kids.

This. Make not of the special needs in that thread, OP. Until the baby comes, you really have no idea whether it'll need extra attention and flexibility. If your other kid is in daycare or preschool, that's a time when SNs are often diagnosed too. Proceed with caution, and do think through a daycare/school double dropoff too. Pushing him into a less flexible job for an extra $5 or $10K is a fool's bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to see what this situation could look like in a few years if your husband decides to leave his job of his own accord, check out the "DH pursuing a new job with harder logistics" thread that is also active right now. There is a massive benefit to your family from his flexibility that will be fully realized when you have two kids.

This. Make not of the special needs in that thread, OP. Until the baby comes, you really have no idea whether it'll need extra attention and flexibility. If your other kid is in daycare or preschool, that's a time when SNs are often diagnosed too. Proceed with caution, and do think through a daycare/school double dropoff too. Pushing him into a less flexible job for an extra $5 or $10K is a fool's bargain.

Yep. And second kids get sick a LOT because older sibling brings stuff home. You will need flexibility, OP.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is 90 percent remote and it’s worth so so much in equivalent salary and allows me to drill down on my career. Also our kids shared a room until they were 4/6 (we moved but they could have continued for a while).

I’d focus on your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the gut check from some of you. Regarding moving, we're in a small townhouse now, and we're probably going to run out of space, with DH WFH and needing an office, and wanting a yard for the kids.

We’re in a similar situation. Also TTC #2 and live in a small 3-bedroom townhouse with no yard. We have the means to move but are choosing to stay put. DH and I both WFH. He set up his home office in the “basement” level. Do you have space for something similar? (I just work in the kitchen). Like your DH, mine has a super flexible job, which is immensely helpful in our day-to-day.

I would suggest your DH update his resume and put feelers out. If a great opportunity comes along, it’s worth considering. But for $5-10k more currently, not worth making a move.

[Anonymous]

Re-think your priorities.

[Anonymous]

You would be insane to give up that set up for $5-10k. I do think an office is necessary for full-time WFH, but the baby can stay in your room until old enough to share with your other kid. This is assuming that there is no basement that can be finished or den or anything that can be turned into an office.

Yards are grossly overrated, especially if you have any parks or playgrounds near you. You can go there if you feel the need to get mosquito-bitten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to move yet. Save and move later. Your house is a want, not a need, and babies don't need their own rooms.

Do you really want him in New Employee Good Behavior mode and learning a new job when you have a new baby? Or do you want him in a job he's comfortable in and has seniority?

If he's had some short jobs on his resume, a longer stint is important to balance that and make it clear he isn't a job hopper/failer. I would have him focus on laying the groundwork for a job search (network, rack up some accomplishments) but not actually switch for another two years.

100% this. Current situation sounds pretty good all around for having another baby!

[Anonymous]

Lol at OP calling herself the “breadwinner” for making 15k more than her husband.

[Anonymous]

Go through all of that over $5-10k?

[Anonymous]

You aren’t the bread winner if you earn 15k more. Unless he earns zero dollars.

[Anonymous]

Your husbands set up is ideal and not worth a major change for that little extra compensation. It’s not alway about the money. Surely you know that after having a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go through all of that over $5-10k?

Your feelings are not wrong but your strategic thinking is completely off. No sane parent gives up 100% remote and 5 weeks of vacation for 5-10k more money.

[Anonymous]

I have never seen such a consensus develop here so quickly.

It sounds like OP is low ambition, too. Somehow her desire for safety and security and ease of job is ok, but he needs to be out there stressing and hustling. Why is that? And lol, no, 15k more is not "breadwinner" territory.

Also, if the pay difference isn't massive, it is not worth it. Especially when the kids are young.