Reply to Kids who work but never move on/out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse. [/quote]

If daughter is grown and employed, how is this child abuse?[/quote]

It’s called enmeshed parenting. I know a few people like that, not one is disabled or has any health issues, but each one has a very overbearing mother. I usually see it go one of two ways: either the daughter moves as far away as possible, or the daughter can never let go (has been stifled emotionally since childhood) and never launches. Coincidentally, 2 of the women l I know are teachers, one works in the family business, and one is a nurse.[/quote]

Ok but it's more complicated than that. Except in extreme cases, the adult child can decide to move out and create their own life.

In my family, I chose to move far away and create my own life, and I am not enmeshed with my parents. My sister chose to rely heavily on my parents financially, move back in with them at various times, and live nearby. She remained very enmeshed with them and only recently, in her mid-40s, has she realized why this is a problem and sought to create healthier boundaries. But there have also been times during her adulthood when that enmeshment worked for her, because she likes being able to rely on them in this way. It only started becoming a problem as they aged and started relying on her more.

But I view it as a joint mistake. My parents should have encouraged her to be more independent in her 20s and found ways to be emotionally supportive without literally supporting her (there were many years when she not only lived with them but also worked for my dad). But my sister has agency. She could have left. She liked the ease of relying on them, which spared her some of the growing pains of figuring out how to navigate the world on her own. She was not manipulated into it -- it was her choice.

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