Reasonable limit on communication with former emotional affair partner?
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Anonymous
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Can anyone suggest or has anyone had experience with putting a reasonable limit on communications between spouse and his/her former “emotional affair” partner?
Is it a case of the only good limit is NO communications? Or is there a way to transition the relationship from “emotional affair” back to a friendship that would work? If it is possible, there is some strong desire here not to totally lose contact with 3rd party who is a good person and valued friend. |
Anonymous
| No, there is no healthy limit. It’s zero contact. Otherwise it’s an excuse to continue the affair. |
Anonymous
This is the only answer. But you knew that already, OP. |
Anonymous
| Friends are possible. |
Anonymous
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I tried for about a month, but it wasn’t a friendship in any normal sense. I still got overly excited to see messages from him. I was still spewing out every little thing in my heart to him. He insisted on using telegram and being secretive instead of texting like we were normal friends (his wife didn’t even know I exist). It was still romantic, I still felt like I was falling for him and having feelings.
It would have progressed quickly back into an emotional affair, and eventually gotten physical. Everything about the relationship was wrong and even though I like him as a person and we’re both fairly lonely, I couldn’t turn the dial back and remove the romantic/sexual component even though I wanted to. He was so funny and smart! I really liked talking to him. I ended the emotional affair and then I ended the friendship right as we were about to see each other again in person. Part of me thinks I should have met with him again- I wasn’t that physically attracted to him and maybe that would have snapped me out of it. But the way he looked at me… that could get addictive. |
Anonymous
NP. The way she looked at me was addictive. I couldn't look away. Wouldn't stop me being friendly however. |
Anonymous
No. |
Anonymous
| Once a cheater always a cheater. |
Anonymous
LOL. |
Anonymous
Sorry, I'm confused. It's your spouse, NOT you, OP, who had the EA -- is that right? So who is this "third party"? The emotional AP's spouse or significant other who is also a friend of yours? Please clarify. The AP is not a "third party" to the affair. And by the way, even when you clarify, the answer is: No, your spouse can't stay in ANY communication with the former AP and cannot transition back to friendship. That is simply begging for trouble. Cheating spouse must go cold turkey, block and delete all contact. You KNOW this yourself, but does your spouse know it? Is your spouse who had the emotional affair the one who is pushing to stay friends with the AP and saying it's so you can stay friends with AP's spouse, or what?? Or is that coming from you? But the answer remains: Nope. You and spouse both lost the friendship of the AP (if AP was your friend too) as well as any friendship with the AP's spouse or whoever this third party is. It is simply asking for more trouble to try to maintain friendships in this situation. Your cheating spouse burned that bridge for both of you. Double down on working in therapy or whatever with your spouse to repair your own relationship, and stop focusing on wanting to keep any relationship with either AP or the AP's third party (still confused about that term here....). If the third party is the AP's spouse and is a "good person and valued friend," the BEST thing you can do is to exit this good person's life along with your spouse who helped betray that person. Your staying in contact would be a constant reminder of the fact your spouses had an affair. |
Anonymous
"There is some strong desire" . . . oh whose part? Yours? Your spouse's? Who is the 3rd party? The AP? Someone you can only have a relationship with if AP is included? It would help if you worded things a little more clearly. |
Anonymous
| There is no "reasonable amount." The communication needs to be shut down with the quickness or you'll see how easily that emotional affair will turn physical. It's all just a matter of time. |
Anonymous
| I'm confused by the third party wording. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you’ve been caught having an EA and you want to game plan a way to convince spouse that it’s okay to continue to have contact with the object of your affection.
I’m sorry, but you really need to cut out all contact with the other person if you want to repair your marriage. You know the other person isn’t just a valued friend. It doesn’t matter that they’re a good person; they’re bad for your marriage. Your relationship with them is bad for your family. If you want to stay married, don’t set yourself up to fail. |
Anonymous
Avoid contact. |