Reasonable limit on communication with former emotional affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair sounds made up and is amorphous and abstract enough to be totally different in the eye of the beholder. Unless there is planning to break up the existing marriage, sexting, or plans to meet up for sex, no rubicons have been crossed. If you react like it was a real affair, you risk pushing the partner into a real affair.

Not OP, but: Clearly you have never had any experience of an emotional affair even as an observer, much less a participant. They're real things and can be almost as damaging as sexual affairs. You're right about one thing, though: After an EA is uncovered or admitted, the cheater and their spouse has to proceed with caution to avoid pushing the two cheaters back together again.

You seem focused solely on sex as a "real affair." But emotional affairs violate the intimacy of the marriage, and intimacy is not merely about sex. Intense intimacy without sex can be as big a betrayal, or bigger, than a sexual betrayal, for some people. You might want to learn more so you aren't so dismissive:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/01/emotional-infidelity-the-devastating-destructive-love-affairs-that-involve-no-sex-at-all
There is no paywall so anyone should be able to access this article.

Thanks for posting. The article convinced me that emotional affairs are BS. An emotional affair between two straight women! It sounds like there are two offenders in every emotional affair: the oversharer and the jealous partner.

The world is going to hell based on the view that there are multiple conflicting truths/facts and multiple realities that exist at the same time. There is no objective truth, facts are based on feelings and beliefs. So if a spouse thinks there’s an emotional affair, it must be true!

Believe whatever works for you, then. Therapists and couples counselors will say that yes, there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Your approval or disapproval of the concept is meaningless to those who have experienced this--and meaningless to the professionals who deal with couples going through it. But you're living in the real world, with zero "conflicting truths," so enjoy your self-righteousness all you like!

Perhaps if everyone stopped labeling this as something that is equivalent or *worse* than an actual affair, people embroiled in a situation wouldn’t feel so much pressure to “heal”. At the core, which is backed by the guardian article, is that a person confides in someone other than their partner. Perpetuating this as inappropriate only creates more problems. Calling it an “affair” radically mischaracterizes it and is extremely alarmist. It also artificially induces jealousy by cooking up controversy that may not otherwise exist.

People are either committed and trusting in their relationship or they aren’t. And trust is a two way street. Marriage is about monogamous romantic and sexual relationship - not forbidding close friendships. What a toxic idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone suggest or has anyone had experience with putting a reasonable limit on communications between spouse and his/her former “emotional affair” partner?
Is it a case of the only good limit is NO communications?
Or is there a way to transition the relationship from “emotional affair” back to a friendship that would work?
If it is possible, there is some strong desire here not to totally lose contact with 3rd party who is a good person and valued friend.

I'll be the one on an island that says keep as a friends and tow the line of keeping boundaries in place.

[Anonymous]

This is a non starter. No contact. Once you’ve betrayed your spouse, you’ve proven that you can’t be trusted to be friends with the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair sounds made up and is amorphous and abstract enough to be totally different in the eye of the beholder. Unless there is planning to break up the existing marriage, sexting, or plans to meet up for sex, no rubicons have been crossed. If you react like it was a real affair, you risk pushing the partner into a real affair.

Not OP, but: Clearly you have never had any experience of an emotional affair even as an observer, much less a participant. They're real things and can be almost as damaging as sexual affairs. You're right about one thing, though: After an EA is uncovered or admitted, the cheater and their spouse has to proceed with caution to avoid pushing the two cheaters back together again.

You seem focused solely on sex as a "real affair." But emotional affairs violate the intimacy of the marriage, and intimacy is not merely about sex. Intense intimacy without sex can be as big a betrayal, or bigger, than a sexual betrayal, for some people. You might want to learn more so you aren't so dismissive:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/01/emotional-infidelity-the-devastating-destructive-love-affairs-that-involve-no-sex-at-all
There is no paywall so anyone should be able to access this article.

Thanks for posting. The article convinced me that emotional affairs are BS. An emotional affair between two straight women! It sounds like there are two offenders in every emotional affair: the oversharer and the jealous partner.

The world is going to hell based on the view that there are multiple conflicting truths/facts and multiple realities that exist at the same time. There is no objective truth, facts are based on feelings and beliefs. So if a spouse thinks there’s an emotional affair, it must be true!

Believe whatever works for you, then. Therapists and couples counselors will say that yes, there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Your approval or disapproval of the concept is meaningless to those who have experienced this--and meaningless to the professionals who deal with couples going through it. But you're living in the real world, with zero "conflicting truths," so enjoy your self-righteousness all you like!

Perhaps if everyone stopped labeling this as something that is equivalent or *worse* than an actual affair, people embroiled in a situation wouldn’t feel so much pressure to “heal”. At the core, which is backed by the guardian article, is that a person confides in someone other than their partner. Perpetuating this as inappropriate only creates more problems. Calling it an “affair” radically mischaracterizes it and is extremely alarmist. It also artificially induces jealousy by cooking up controversy that may not otherwise exist.

People are either committed and trusting in their relationship or they aren’t. And trust is a two way street. Marriage is about monogamous romantic and sexual relationship - not forbidding close friendships. What a toxic idea.

This isn’t confiding. I “confide” in close friends and family all the time. An emotional affair is crossing emotional and romantic boundaries only without consummating it physically. A mild version of it is simply having contact with a third party that you’d feel ashamed to have your partner find out about because it would rock the boat. Either way, the spouse has proven that they are incapable of having a platonic relationship with this person and your partner owes you no compassion in deciding what consistories a fair level of contact moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair sounds made up and is amorphous and abstract enough to be totally different in the eye of the beholder. Unless there is planning to break up the existing marriage, sexting, or plans to meet up for sex, no rubicons have been crossed. If you react like it was a real affair, you risk pushing the partner into a real affair.

Not OP, but: Clearly you have never had any experience of an emotional affair even as an observer, much less a participant. They're real things and can be almost as damaging as sexual affairs. You're right about one thing, though: After an EA is uncovered or admitted, the cheater and their spouse has to proceed with caution to avoid pushing the two cheaters back together again.

You seem focused solely on sex as a "real affair." But emotional affairs violate the intimacy of the marriage, and intimacy is not merely about sex. Intense intimacy without sex can be as big a betrayal, or bigger, than a sexual betrayal, for some people. You might want to learn more so you aren't so dismissive:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/01/emotional-infidelity-the-devastating-destructive-love-affairs-that-involve-no-sex-at-all
There is no paywall so anyone should be able to access this article.

Thanks for posting. The article convinced me that emotional affairs are BS. An emotional affair between two straight women! It sounds like there are two offenders in every emotional affair: the oversharer and the jealous partner.

The world is going to hell based on the view that there are multiple conflicting truths/facts and multiple realities that exist at the same time. There is no objective truth, facts are based on feelings and beliefs. So if a spouse thinks there’s an emotional affair, it must be true!

Believe whatever works for you, then. Therapists and couples counselors will say that yes, there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Your approval or disapproval of the concept is meaningless to those who have experienced this--and meaningless to the professionals who deal with couples going through it. But you're living in the real world, with zero "conflicting truths," so enjoy your self-righteousness all you like!

Perhaps if everyone stopped labeling this as something that is equivalent or *worse* than an actual affair, people embroiled in a situation wouldn’t feel so much pressure to “heal”. At the core, which is backed by the guardian article, is that a person confides in someone other than their partner. Perpetuating this as inappropriate only creates more problems. Calling it an “affair” radically mischaracterizes it and is extremely alarmist. It also artificially induces jealousy by cooking up controversy that may not otherwise exist.

People are either committed and trusting in their relationship or they aren’t. And trust is a two way street. Marriage is about monogamous romantic and sexual relationship - not forbidding close friendships. What a toxic idea.

You really don't get the difference between close friendships and emotional affairs. It's OK that you don't understand it. But there is a substantial difference. No one is talking about "forbidding close friendships" -- how dramatically you say that. Nor is anyone being "extremely alarmist." Again, dramatic. But you're opining about something you have not experienced and are reducing to simplistic terms. Do you have something to tell OP? Any advice that is constructive? Other than "there is no such thing as an emotional affair!" you have offered nothing constructive which actually answers OP's question at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, we need more information.

If the wife is the cheater then it is unfair to expect her to go no-contact because doing so would simply be controlling.
If the husband is the cheater then the wife should demand 100% no contact and total access to all his devices. If he doesn't comply or if he shows any sign of pushing back then file for divorce because he is unrepentant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone suggest or has anyone had experience with putting a reasonable limit on communications between spouse and his/her former “emotional affair” partner?
Is it a case of the only good limit is NO communications?
Or is there a way to transition the relationship from “emotional affair” back to a friendship that would work?
If it is possible, there is some strong desire here not to totally lose contact with 3rd party who is a good person and valued friend.

I'll be the one on an island that says keep as a friends and tow the line of keeping boundaries in place.

Right? Best to keep one's options open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we need more information.

If the wife is the cheater then it is unfair to expect her to go no-contact because doing so would simply be controlling.
If the husband is the cheater then the wife should demand 100% no contact and total access to all his devices. If he doesn't comply or if he shows any sign of pushing back then file for divorce because he is unrepentant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we need more information.

If the wife is the cheater then it is unfair to expect her to go no-contact because doing so would simply be controlling.
If the husband is the cheater then the wife should demand 100% no contact and total access to all his devices. If he doesn't comply or if he shows any sign of pushing back then file for divorce because he is unrepentant.

WTF? It makes no difference at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone suggest or has anyone had experience with putting a reasonable limit on communications between spouse and his/her former “emotional affair” partner?
Is it a case of the only good limit is NO communications?
Or is there a way to transition the relationship from “emotional affair” back to a friendship that would work?
If it is possible, there is some strong desire here not to totally lose contact with 3rd party who is a good person and valued friend.

I'll be the one on an island that says keep as a friends and tow the line of keeping boundaries in place.

Right? Best to keep one's options open.

It's either friends or not, there is not much between. If he/she is a valued friend and you can keep boundaries, then why not?

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman and I see nothing wrong with a so called emotional plantonic deep friendship

Why does a partner have to be the only one providing emotional support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman and I see nothing wrong with a so called emotional plantonic deep friendship

Why does a partner have to be the only one providing emotional support?

same,

[Anonymous]

That person is likely a great conversationalist —and is probably good at making connections. Everyone is looking for connection. What it to you?

[Anonymous]

I don't get the language on what the betrayed spouse should "allow". It's the cheater who should making the decision of how to behave, and the betrayed spouse should decide whether to divorce or separate from a cheater who won't stop cheating.

You don't control your spouse. You accept their decisions or you leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman and I see nothing wrong with a so called emotional plantonic deep friendship

Why does a partner have to be the only one providing emotional support?

As long as spouse knows, its not crossing any boundaries or into anything physical, I don't see a problem OP.