Midlife mental health in toilet, deep self loathing, feeling hopeless
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Anonymous
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I have a family but feel disconnected from spouse and like I’m failing my child.
Parents/sibling very dysfunctional, don’t know how to communicate or repair old harms, it’s a source of stress and sadness, not support. Also fearful of repeating same patterns with my own child. Deep self loathing— hate how I look, detest my body as it gets softer with middle age, hate my face, my teeth, wish I could be a totally different person. Feel like I did at 14/15, just that adolescent feeling that I fit nowhere, am not attractive or likable, that everyone is hanging out without me on purpose because I suck. Have plenty of friends but feel close to no one. Make an effort to hang out with people and not isolate but often makes me feel worse because everyone else seems more comfortable in this stage of life, happier in their families and careers. Also haunted by many past regrets and things I grieve— friendships that fizzled or exploded, career opportunities I squandered or never achieved, financial decisions that set me back and make me feel always behind. I just feel that I’ve wasted my life, that I don’t really matter to anyone except my DH who is stuck with me and my kid who will one day realize how lame I am and reject me. Help. |
Anonymous
| I could have written this 100%.This is where I am with my life right now. I'm so sorry. |
Anonymous
| I think a mid life crisis is an important stage. It’s your mind saying wake up we have a chance to make the most of this next act!! Time to change job/hobbies/cities etc. looking backward is futile but looking forward it’s time for big change! |
Anonymous
+1 a year ago but all better now. Be kind to yourself! |
Anonymous
What changed/helped? |
Anonymous
| Lift weights |
Anonymous
Done. What else? |
Anonymous
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I’m in this boat, too, OP. It’s a shitty feeling and I’m medicated and seeing a therapist to try to work through it. If you don’t have a therapist, I highly recommend it. It’s not magic, but someone good can help you process overwhelming feelings and prioritize.
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Anonymous
Not to be counterproductive, but it is SO hard to find a good therapist to discuss these issues, I've found. I've seen a few therapists over the years and while I got along fine with them and even got something out if it each time, I've never found someone who could really help me with self-esteem issues or just that fear that I'm failing at life. I feel like it works okay for more discrete issues like being unhappy with a job and needing to find a way to deal with that. But this kind of existential collapse, I've just haven't found anyone who can touch it. How did you find your therapist? |
Anonymous
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I recommend you read about and learn how to practice self-compassion. Think about yourself and talk to yourself as you would to your most loved person, as you would want a supportive loved one to speak to you. The first one on this list helped me immensely when I was going through a similar crisis. https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-books/
Also, download an app and do guided meditations every single day - on self-compassion, self-love, loving kindness, hopefulness, positive thinking, anything else that you feel you need help with. Reframe how you view yourself and your life. These are things you can do in addition to, in lieu of, or until you find a good therapist. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
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Perhaps seeing if there is a mental health practice that offers some group support groups around various topics? The Women ‘s Center in Virginia is one I have seen mentioned in various contexts. Also, perhaps see if any of the universities in the area offer short-term directed counseling with graduate students doing their clinical hours as a new setting. Also perhaps get a full “real physical” to rule out any condition that might encourage depression like feelings such as thyroid issues or other hormonal changes hitting your system. If none, then also going to get a mental health screening. Another question would be to see if more and consistent exercise could bring positive relief. |
Anonymous
| Are you me? I feel a little better knowing I am not alone. Hugs to OP. We’ll be okay, right? |
Anonymous
| Feeling the same way here OP. I hope you feel better soon. The only thing that helps me feel a little better is exercise outdoors. Easier said than done, I know. |
Anonymous
| If you’re at all interested to go to a spiritual community, this is another idea. I do think there is a spiritual void in modern society which can result in feeling disconnected. It took me many tries to find one that lines up with my beliefs and style, but I finally found a good fit, and feel uplifted and supported by that group. |
Anonymous
Can you recommend it? I'm a longtime agnostic but it has occurred to me that having a church or some kind of community would help during this phase of life. I feel so adrift. Obviously as an agnostic I'm not going to fit into an evangelical community, but I've been curious about other communities where being unsure about what you belief is more accepted. I've also wondered if being part of something like that could help my family as a whole. |