Struggling with guilt over indifference towards my mother

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling with guilt. My Mom has health issues that are really starting to decline the quality of her life. She also developed serious mental health issues over the past 7 months that she refuses to get treatment for (paranoid delusions and auditory hallucinations). It puts a lot of pressure and responsibility on my Dad. They don’t live nearby so I can’t help in a meaningful way. I work full time and have 2 elementary age kids. My issue is that I just don’t have a close relationship with my Mom. I want to see her get better but I feel indifferent towards her and her health decline which makes me feel like an awful person. I’m more concerned about my Dad and what this is doing to him. I struggle to articulate why I feel so indifferent towards her. She is emotionally immature, low self esteem, and doesn’t know how to have close relationships with anyone. Our lives are completely different and we barely have anything to talk about. She has always been self absorbed and in constant need of validation. I have 3 siblings and we all feel similar towards her. I’m not even sure what I’m asking. Am I going to have horrible regret later? Is it normal to feel so indifferent about your own mother? Part of me just has to detach from her medical issues because she would rather complain about her ailments rather than make any changes in her lifestyle that might improve her health. Trying to help her is futile. I feel so bad for my Dad that he has to deal with this but am struggling with how to help and my indifference towards it all. Does that make sense? Any words of wisdom from others that have had complex relationships with a parent?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it makes sense. Just focus on being there for your dad and see if you can work with your siblings to get him what he needs.

[Anonymous]

If she is having delusions and hallucinations there is something seriously wrong for her. Is she getting proper medical treatment? Focus on that.

Your dad needs breaks. Try to visit some and let him go out of the house while you are ther, assuming you have a spouse. Your spouse should be able to handle the kids alone every once in a while while you visit.

Try to hire respite caregivers for your mom so your dad can go out even if it is only two four hour shifts a week

[Anonymous]

Demand that your mother seek medical treatment because it is killing your father. Caregivers in this type of situation often die first. If she won't listen (or if her illness is too far advanced to reason with her) encourage your father to seek medical decision making authority for her because she's incompetent and get her treatment, hopefully with a stay in a facility, that will help your father get a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demand that your mother seek medical treatment because it is killing your father. Caregivers in this type of situation often die first. If she won't listen (or if her illness is too far advanced to reason with her) encourage your father to seek medical decision making authority for her because she's incompetent and get her treatment, hopefully with a stay in a facility, that will help your father get a break.

I think this person is new to the aging parent rodeo with the whole "demand that your mother....". I may have said something similar a decade ago. Yes, caregivers absolutely do often die first. Does your dad want support dealing with her? If so they you can figure out options. If not, you cannot force him to do anything, but you could try "foot in door method" of getting him to agree to a week of aides/adult day center for her, etc. See if he will agree to bringing her for a lunch visit to a residential place just to check it out.

It's OK to feel indifferent. Just fake caring if you have to. Say supportive things to her, but keep your boundaries. I care about my mother's wellbeing, but she has become an even more abusive and paranoid nut with age and I am blocked from knowing her medical information ever since I described in detail concerning behavior to a doctor and had a recording. I have major boundaries to prevent abuse, but just send my well wishes and keep conversations short, superficial and sweet and get off quickly when the tsunami of crazy starts coming. I also make sure she has proper care.

Do you have a social worker involved who can assess need?

[Anonymous]

I just posted, but I think the question not enough people ask themselves is if they will have horrible regret if they get too involved. I think I too guilt-tripped myself until dealing with too much abusive behavior for fear of regrets. It took a toll on my health and my family.

This is why I cringe every time someone describes doing themselves in for an elderly parent and someone starts with you are a "good/great child." It's a mixed message. You are clearly miserable, but all of us deep down want to heart we are a good girl or boy. We are adults now. Lots of people get to the end of the sandwich generation rodeo burned out, exhausted, resentful and they end up battling their own illness. You have to have boundaries. You do want to do your best to make there is decent care. You try to do right by your dad who is probably totally drained, but sometimes after you try your best you have to detach if he refuses help since he is cognitively capable.

[Anonymous]

You must be much more focused on your Dad, Op. He is the well parent. He is the one suffering. That is what you will regret. Make time for him, just the two of you, and don't make your time with him about your Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just posted, but I think the question not enough people ask themselves is if they will have horrible regret if they get too involved. I think I too guilt-tripped myself until dealing with too much abusive behavior for fear of regrets. It took a toll on my health and my family.

This is why I cringe every time someone describes doing themselves in for an elderly parent and someone starts with you are a "good/great child." It's a mixed message. You are clearly miserable, but all of us deep down want to heart we are a good girl or boy. We are adults now. Lots of people get to the end of the sandwich generation rodeo burned out, exhausted, resentful and they end up battling their own illness. You have to have boundaries. You do want to do your best to make there is decent care. You try to do right by your dad who is probably totally drained, but sometimes after you try your best you have to detach if he refuses help since he is cognitively capable.

Thank you for posting these thoughts. I deeply appreciate the perspective. I ended my relationship with my elderly mother who is in early dementia about a year ago. I offered financial assistance to cover respite care and long term care, but that is all. Radio silence from my older siblings. I can understand why they are unresponsive to me--and I am working to tolerate they hold a much different perspective. I almost did myself in 20 years ago when I was in a relationship with someone who was not functioning for many reasons--I ended up with PTSD and financially drained--never again. I have two SN minor children and a husband as well as my own neurological issues---I think the cutoff while offering financial support is as humane as it can realistically be---and justified. I have zero expectation that my children will take care of me when I'm elderly. I want them to know that I will still regard them as a loving son/daughter if they decide to end their relationship with me when I'm elderly. Really, it is ok.

[Anonymous]

I’d argue the guilt you feel is a sign you don’t feel so indifferent about the whole situation.

Is it ok to not be emotionally invested in someone who you’ve never been emotionally invested in? Yes.

But your father has also chosen this woman as his life partner. Support him, sure. But let’s not make him a martyr and her a villain.

I’m not sure I have practical advice, but it didn’t seem that’s what you were after.

[Anonymous]

No advice but I get it. My parents aren’t together but I have a close relationship with my dad and a polite but very distant relationship with my mom resulting from years and years of horrible stuff on her part that has caused her to burn nearly all her bridges in life. Anyway, as my parents age and face serious health issues I am completely despondent thinking about my dad’s decline and eventual death, but honestly feel very little when it comes to my mom. I dont want bad things to come to her, I just feel….fairly indifferent. And I feel bad about that. But I also know it’s the natural consequence of her abusive behaviour for years.

[Anonymous]

No you will not feel regret. You will feel relief and happiness that you can finally have a normal relationship with your dad.
My mentally ill mother died a year ago and it has made my life much easier, as well as my dad’s life. And she was a good mother in many aspects, especially before she went off the rails. At some point the good things you did 30 years ago aren’t going to make up for all the bad stuff that’s been happening for 30 years, you know?

[Anonymous]

I posted already, but the more I think about it, I think it would be truly disturbing to feel pain and torment over an abusive person's decline. The healthiest thing you can do is detach and part of detaching is not feeling all that emotion. I would see it as self-protective. Let go of the shoulds. If someone treats you terribly, you don't want to should yourself into too much empathy for them. i know part of therapy is we learn to understand why a person who treated us poorly may have done that and sure we can have some empathy, but that doesn't make it OK and really to care too much about someone who treats you like dirt is more of a trauma bond. I would see it as healthy that you are indifferent. The guilt comes from these should in your head from stupid sayings like "Family is everything" that leave out "...if they treat you well and nurture you." Family doesn't get to treat you like garbage just because they are family.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a reaction to medication, OP. My MIL has hallucinations when she's on a certain type of medication for her Parkinson's. Your father needs to double check with the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Did she have a history of psychosis or mental illness prior to the onset of hallucinations? If not, there may be a medical cause that can be addressed, or it could be dementia.

You don’t need to feel guilty; you are not close with your mother and it’s understandable. I would figure out what your boundaries are in terms of the support you are willing to provide.

[Anonymous]

You cannot be indifferent and feel guilt about it.