Would you be offended? Weird experience with friends

[Anonymous]

One of our kids has a good friend at school and we have become closer to the family this year. We don’t really hang out with them socially outside of the kids, but do get together regularly with the kids. A few months ago we were talking about spring break plans and decided to go away together to a destination we were both interested in checking out. They were the ones to suggest that we go together on the trip, not us. I knew that another family from our school was also going, and they have a child the same age as our friends’ other child. We sort of know this other family but not well. But our friends said they were really excited about the trip and so excited we were all doing something together.

We get to the destination last week and found out that the third family brought their nanny with them, and apparently had discussed sharing the nanny with our friends to watch all 4 of their kids together. This was never mentioned to us, and basically the 4 adults ended up going off and doing their own thing most of the time - both daytime and nighttime activities. The families invited our kids to hang out a few of the days (supervised by the nanny) which was nice, but we barely saw the adults the whole trip.

I found this to be completely off-putting, bazaar and pretty rude. There was zero acknowledgment of anything on their part and now we are back home and our friends are acting completely normal like nothing happened but we have no desire to really engage with them. Our kids do a lot of activities together and I am so put off by this whole experience and kind of don’t even want our kids to hang out any more than they have to. Is that unreasonable? DH thinks I am taking it too personally.

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. It is really hard to travel with other people, but they were especially rude to leave you out.

Be grateful - we have had the opposite - where a rude family forces their way into going to the same place as us, and our kids did not get along. Kind of awful.

[Anonymous]

I think it's defintely weird, like you weren't included as a full-fledged member of the club. You were half ignored by them, even though they had said you were all going "together."

So I would not do any more vacations with them.

But I also agree with DH that you're taking it too personally. And there is no reason to limit your kids' interactions with their friends.

[Anonymous]

I mean, they did slight you, but I wouldn't let it affect your kids hanging out. I would definitely not do any more vacations with them, and remember that they are, at best, clueless and inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, OP, I’d have the same reaction. That IS off-putting and weird and more than a little bit rude. I’d be confused and annoyed and that would be the last time I planned anything more than a carpool with them. No need to limit normal interactions, and there should be no impact on the kids, but I’d be done on a purely social level.

[Anonymous]

That is super off-putting and weird. I would let the kids hang out if they want to, but probably wouldn't pursue a friendship with the adults and particularly would never travel with them again.

[Anonymous]

Your mistake was planning a trip with them. No way in hell would I ever do that!

[Anonymous]

You aren’t crazy OP, it was weird and rude. What was the nature of your discussions leading up to the trip? Were you talking about doing stuff together, where you were staying etc? It would be strange if there was no further dissuasion after your initial discussion to go together.

[Anonymous]

Were you all staying in the same house?

[Anonymous]

It is weird. I wonder if there was some miscommunication initially and the other family wasn’t specifically inviting you on their trip, as much as saying if you made a parallel trip the kids could enjoy sone time together, which they did.

Generally, I think shared vacations are a terrible idea. Even with extended family who grew up with shared experiences, there are liable to be conflicts. Traveling with friends seems a quick way yo break a friendship.

I think in this case, give them the benefit of the doubt, chalk up the vacation fiasco to a misunderstanding, and socialize casually with them, as before. In the future, if ANYONE talks about going on a trip, wish them Bon Voyage and make independent plans for your family’s vacation.

[Anonymous]

I get the impression you also are not close. You should never have agreed to vacation together.

[Anonymous]

I actually love shared vacations where you go to the same location but stay in separate housing and there’s not an expectation you will do everything together. Rather, one family might say- today we’re going to do X, interested? Gives you time to do your own thing and mix it up with friends.

[Anonymous]

This would be very weird if staying together, but it sounded more casual on their part -like why don't we go to the same place, while not intending it to be a group trip but just occasional interactions.

[Anonymous]

Weird. If your kid likes their kid l guess l would just be opportunistic and go to local stuff if they invite and your kid wants to go, but not make any effort to initiate. And of course no more trips “together”.

I would not want my kid to become really close to their kid though, since you’ve already been treated badly. It may not have been international on their part, but it still happened and they didn’t acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would be offended. I would pull back from the relationship outside of things that involve the kids and certainly never plan a vacation with them.