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[quote=Anonymous]DH retired from the military five years ago at age 43. He has a military pension, but it's not huge, and when he decided to retire, he said he was planning to get another job. Since retiring, he has done a little bit of consulting (cumulatively, a few months worth of consulting, spread over five years) but he has never applied for any jobs.  He has had various ideas for projects/businesses/career changes but hasn't followed through on any of them. But although he will briefly get very enthusiastic about researching things, he then loses interest. Mostly he just hangs around the house all day, watching TV, reading, playing video games and working out in our home gym. He does the dishes and takes out the trash, but that's it.

Recently, he told me, "I've decided I'm not interested in starting a second career. I'm just planning to kick back and relax for the rest of my life, because I've earned it, and I'm not interesting in being part of the rat race." But he sure does not seem contented. He's in a bad mood most of the time, snapping at me and the kids. I think he is seriously depressed, but when I tell him I am worried that he is unhappy, he tells me to get off his case, he's fine, and he refuses to consider seeing a therapist. ("There's nothing wrong with me! If you think there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with you!")

I've tried to be patient– transitioning out the the military can be really hard– and I have been supportive of all his ideas since he retired ("Absolutely, starting your own dog walking business sounds like a great idea!" "If you want to go back to school and get a masters in zoology, you absolutely should!" Etc.). But I do all the kid-related stuff, handle nearly all the household stuff, take care of my own sick parents, and work full time (I have always worked full time, even when he was deployed etc., and now his pension only covers about 20% of our expenses, so my salary is essential).

I love him, but I'm finding it increasingly hard not to feel resentful. I really want to tell him that this is not okay: he doesn't need to kill himself to make money, but it's not okay to just spend the rest of his life hanging around doing nothing and acting pissed off at the world.

Any advice? How would you react? Would you say, "Okay, dear, you've paid your dues, you get to do whatever you want for the next few decades, and I'll keep working to pay the bills?" Or would you tell him he needs to get his shit together, or the marriage is not going to last much longer?[/quote]

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